"What is that?"
"Something that helps patch up that pit you’re talking about."
I reach out, and Ennio slides something along the vape’s surface, I assume raising the dose, then hands it to me.
I inhale.
Bam, in a moment everything pulls away from me, like standing in a crowd and then suddenly stepping outside of it, and in a fraction of a second a quiet resignation settles in.
"Wow, what is that?" I breathe out.
"A compound I have access to."
"Is it available on the market?"
"No, but I can supply you."
"Is it a drug? A psychedelic?"
"I wouldn’t call it that, it’s more like a tranquilizer. But the best part is that it’s not addictive, at least not physically. No withdrawal symptoms."
"You’ve used it long?"
"Yes, about eight years, in different doses. You can control it, take a little less on a better day or a little more on a worse one, it doesn’t cause the numbness most sedatives do, you stay fully clearheaded, the pain just eases up, you stop caring so intensely about everything you used to care about," he explains.
I stay silent for a long moment. Then I take a few more deep breaths. And suddenly I feel it, that quiet inside me, numb, empty, but neutral.
Can I survive another day like this?
Maybe. And maybe another. Not thinking, switching off, removing the sense of loss, the pain and the rage, just… existing without thought.
"So? Is it working?" Ennio tilts his head, his cool eyes turning mocking.
"It’s working," I mutter grimly.
"What now?"
"Living."
"Wow, such a simple answer."
"There is no other, and surely no better one."
"Just peachy. Great. I’ll probably have to explain all this to my parents and go through some damn therapy for failed suicides—"
"Just tell them you reached the edge but understood it wasn’t the best solution, that life is still possible. There are so many people who romanticize suicide these days, I’m sure you’ll find plenty who understand."
I stare at him a little blankly, turning the vape between my fingers. My mind grabs onto the first topic it can find.
"How did you even end up here?"
Ennio shrugs. "Gurco told me you were supposed to drop by training tonight and didn’t show up, something told me to call, but your dad answered…"
"Oh shit, I’ll have to explain that call to him too…"
I sigh and take another deep inhale from the vape. The relief is strange, so quiet in my head. The pain becomes two-dimensional, it can’t pierce through me anymore.
Ennio shrugs again, then says, "Make up something that’s still normal but a little dangerous, like you secretly go to a shooting range and I’m your instructor."
