But I didn’t really believe any of that. I was just shoving the lies down my throat to keep it together while I bought milk and bread and eggs and all the other essentials.
Like always, I ran into several people I knew at the store. One was a high school friend of mine who was back in town to visit her folks. She held me hostage for several long minutes in aisle seven as she caughtme up on all the latest drama of her big city life. I nodded along, impatiently, praying for her to just shut up.
I hightailed it out of there afterward, flat-out ignoring whoever it was that called my name in the parking lot.
Hani helped me unload the groceries when I got back to Ben’s, his movements slow and lethargic like he was sleepwalking. I was putting the bread in a cupboard when I saw him pause out of the corner of my eye. He stood in front of the fridge, holding the milk, staring at a photo of Ben and Zach stuck to its door. The fingers of his free hand shook as he placed it over the picture. He bowed his head, shoulders heaving as he started to cry.
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. This was what full-blown grief looked like.
I stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder, remaining quite but present, letting him know that at least he wasn’t alone.
He straightened back up after a few minutes, wiping at his face. “I’m sorry.”
“There is absolutely no need to apologize to me.”
“Thank you for coming.”
“I can stay as long as you need. My schedule is clear.”
He hesitated. “I don’t want to impose.”
“You wouldn’t be. Really. I’d rather be here doing something to help you than freaking out by myself at home.”
Hani’s face crumpled. “It’s bad, Ella.”
Oh, God. Deep breaths.
“I thought it might be.”
“Did he tell you about the tests?”
I nodded.
“They found tau tangles in his brain. Enough that they think it was complicating his depression and anxiety.”
I managed to get myself to one of the kitchen barstools before my knees gave out. I was still nodding. Why couldn’t I stop nodding?
“And maybe his memory and emotions,” Hani added.
I leaned forward, elbows on the island, and squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears in.
Ben.
It was Hani’s turn to place a hand on my shoulder. “He and Klara…they’re not doing too well right now.”
I took a shuddering breath and pushed it down. All my grief, my rage, my fear. I bundled them together and dropped them into the same deep, dark hole I used to hide my crush monster in. Later, I could let them out, but right now, Hani needed me. Ben and Klara needed me.
My emotions safely stowed away, I sat up, scrubbed at my eyes, and looked over at Hani. “Has Ben been talking to Brian?”
“Every day. I make sure of it.” He paused for a few heartbeats, voice softening. “I took his phone from him when the Timespublished their story.”
“My sister feels terrible about that,” I said. “They pushed it up, and she didn’t think she could delay it again without making people suspicious.”
“It’s not her fault. Ben doesn’t regret helping out. But, even without knowing Ben was their source, the media has been brutal, and people on social media have been…” He clenched his jaw, fists braced on the countertop as his face darkened with anger.
“I know,” I said. “I’ve been watching it all unfold, checking up on his Twitter mentions to stay aware of public opinion.”
“His publicist thinks it’s time to hire people to manage his accounts for him.”
