“You two are good actors.” I pause. “You said it was so hot, and I thought he’s always had a thing for you.”
Alexis laughs, but it quickly turns into a cough. “No,” she says. “He’s always been a good friend to me.”
“But why lie about it? To me, and to Rainer?” It seems crazy to me that Alexis would hide anything. She’s the most self-assured person I know.
“Come on,” she says. “You know better than that.” Alexis takes her ponytail down and shakes her hair out. It falls in tumbles down her back, and I mentally kick myself for not paying more attention, for not being the kind of friend to her she’s been trying to be to me. “When you’re young, this business is hard. Sometimes faking a relationship gives you more privacy than having the relationship you want.”
Her eyes meet mine, and I notice a deep sadness there. I have to look away.
“That’s a shitty way to live,” I say under my breath.
“Yeah,” she says, her voice getting quieter. “It’s not ideal.” Her eyes dart back to the computer screen. Me and Jordan. “I hope you can be honest with me.”
“I don’t even know what the truth is,” I say.
“Well, if you don’t fill it in soon, those pictures are going to do it for you.”
I get up and close the screen. I can’t look anymore. “I have to find Rainer.”
Alexis rubs her eyes. “So he didn’t come home?”
I shake my head. “He wasn’t at his mom’s house, either. Britney was at the after-party last night,” I say. “She was with Ryan, but I think—I don’t know. I think maybe Rainer left with her.”
“No way, he’s done with that. He loves you.”
“He may not anymore.” I blow some air out of my lips and sit back down next to Alexis on the bed. “I can’t believe I was so stupid.”
Alexis puts a hand on my back. “He’ll forgive you,” she says. “You just have to make sure that’s really what you want.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t talk him into forgiving you if you’re…” She clears her throat. “If you’re not all in, too.” I look at her. Her eyes are big, comforting.
“Alexis, I really screwed up.…”
She holds out her arms to me, and despite her cold, I fold into them. “I know,” she says, her hand working to stroke my head. “Find your boyfriend, figure out what you want, make it right.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I say, dabbing at my eyes with her terry cloth.
“I’m an actress,” she says. “That’s my job.” And then she plucks me up and gives me a pointed look. “And I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, darling—but it’s yours, too.”
I try Rainer ten times from the car. No answer. I have a string of missed calls. Tawny is dialing me every minute, on the minute. I listen to a voice mail from Sandy: “We need to handle this, Paige. Call me back.” Her tone is clipped, sharp, rare from her. She means business.
Two from Cassandra, one from my mom, one from my sister. I click off the cell phone and keep driving. I don’t know where to go. I could try the Starbucks Rainer likes at the Beverly Glen, but being out in public is an idiot’s move, and I know it. I saw how quickly Alexis scrolled back up when I tried to read the comments on that Perez piece.
My phone rings again. I expect to see Tawny’s name on the screen, but instead it’s Jordan’s.
He said he’d stay away, that we needed space, but now the whole world has seen—what? Us together. If there’s a way to spin these photos as friendly, I have no idea what it is.
I feel epically, ridiculously horrible about the fact that he’s landed in this position. If I hadn’t called him last night, drunk and stupid, none of this would have happened. But if I hear his voice, I know I’ll fall apart. And I can’t afford to do that right now. I hit ignore.
I drive home. I can’t think of anything else to do. I’m just about to round the corner and pull into the gate when I see them—ten parked cars along the side of the road and just as many guys—all decked out with cameras.
They’ve found us.
My hands leave the wheel, and for a split second I think about just gunning it, plowing straight through them. I don’t see them as people now, but insects—small and insidious.
They spot me first. They start running.
