I nod. “Well, sorta. I want me for India.”
“You gotta do it.”
“Trust me, I know. Sandy doesn’t seem that psyched about it. And they’re not into me for the part.” I take another cheesy bite.
Jordan looks like he’s heard me wrong. He sits back and squints. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Nope,” I say. “I’m too blockbuster or something.” I shrug. “I asked to meet with the writers and director—we’ll see if it happens.”
“We’ll see?” Jordan shakes his head. “Paige, this isyourcareer. Not Sandy’s, not your agent’s, not Tawny’s. If you want this, you need to go after it.”
I swallow. Rainer says the reason I have reps is so that they can make these decisions for me, but I don’t say that. It feels stupid to parrot Rainer, especially to Jordan.
He looks at me. Hard. “Do you want this?”
I study his jaw. The curve of his face. “More than anything,” I say.
“So fight,” Jordan says. “Show them you can do it. Don’t take no for an answer.” He leans forward, close, and instinctively I put my hands on the table, right by his elbows. I want to curl my fingers around his wrists, grab on to his arms. I feel the need to touch him—like it’s another limb all its own.
Jordan eyes my hands and then sits up. “We should head back,” he says.
The subtle rejection stings. I want to protest—just ten more minutes—but I know it wouldn’t make a difference. There is so much I want to say to him, none of which he should hear.
“Alexis waiting for you?” I ask. It comes out accusatory, and I mentally kick myself.
“We’re going to a premiere tonight. The new Scorsese,” he says, sidestepping the question.
“Cool.”
We look at each other. We both know I’m lying.
He looks at me another beat—long enough for me to want to ask him how we ended up here. Barely scraping the surface. I remember once being closer to him than anyone. And now—
Jordan hardly talks on the way home, and when he drops me off, he doesn’t get out.
“Nice to see you,” he says.
“I’ll see you at the Awards, I guess?”
Jordan nods. It seems sad, slightly. “Best Kiss,” he says. “Right.” We glance at each other. “At least we won’t win,” he says. And then he’s gone.
CHAPTER 6
The MTV Movie Awardsare upon us. We’re up for six: Best Female Performance, Best Male Performance for Rainer and Jordan, Movie of the Year, Best Kiss—twice, in case anyone has forgotten. And I haven’t. The idea of having to banter with Rainer on that stage in front of Jordan and the world is making me scan this limo for a possible exit strategy.
I’m sitting in the back, in a silver dress and leopard-print heels I have zero idea how I’m going to walk in. I tried to get the stylist to let me wear flats, but the conversation pretty much just went like:no.
Tawny is chattering on her cell, and Sandy is deep in conversation with Rainer. He’s sitting next to me, his hand in mine. I know I’m gripping a little too tightly. Half because of the nerves, and half because this is the most I’ve seen him all week.
He’s been sleeping at his mom’s a lot. It freaks me out how freaked out I am to be without him. It used to be that on the rare occasion I got the house to myself it was absolute heaven. In Portland, I would have spent all my savings for one night alone in the Townsen house. And now? Now I think about paparazzi finding me. I think about the millions of fans on the Internet whose happiness seem to be dependent on our staying together. Being alone makes me feel like I’m being pulled under by them.
“She told him he should resign, but he won’t,” Rainer is saying to Sandy. They’re discussing Greg.
I look out the window at the approaching theater. The fans are gathered outside—throngs of them. Lights and noise and somewhere—Jordan.
Alexis and I went to Georgina’s beach house a few days ago. Georgina wasn’t there; she’s in Atlanta filming. We hung by the pool and took a walk on the beach. I told her a little about Rainer, and she listened. I was surprised, unnerved, actually, at how easy it was to talk to her. I’m still not sure how much I can trust her, but she also happens to be my only friend here. As much as my daily phone calls with Cassandra keep me sane, there are things that no matter how hard I try to explain, she just can’t understand.
“Just remember you’re gonna get a lot of camera time. So don’t mess with your dress, and make sure to keep your face neutral.”
