25
SNOW
I thought there’d be no living down the insane shame that overcame me when Thea looked at me like I was dirt on the bottom of her shoe.
She didn’t even say anything after her initial shock, she just stared while I gathered my stuff and left the apartment so fast, I left my socks behind.
I’ve spent the past two hours sobbing on the couch, thinking the best thing I ever had was over.
I convinced myself that the pregnancy would be the thing to ruin whatever this was, so I was determined to forget about it, but instead, it was family.
Thea surely knows her brother better than I ever could and if her reaction to her discovery is anything to go by, then Xander and I are over.
Or so I thought.
Every word from him is unlike anything I’ve ever heard and so many emotions clash together in my chest.
Sympathy for his loss, pain at the darkness he sank into, and then warm embarrassment as he talks about me like I’m some kind of gift.
It warms me in ways I’ve only ever dreamed of as Xander pours everything out while standing on my doorstep in the dark to a backdrop of snow.
He doesn’t care about work.
An insane declaration considering everything he’s worked so hard for, but as he talks, it makes sense why.
Existence versus living.
There’s only one victor there and Xander’s chosen it.
When he finally falls silent, he’s panting slightly and my mind is blank, struggling to gather thoughts.
Xander likes me.
Really likes me.
And he wants me.
Everything that I am now.
My secret remains buried in the back of my mind, crushed under my own determination to forget and to clutch onto one good thing for the duration of Christmas.
After a few minutes of silently staring at one another, I reach for Xander’s forearm and gently drag him inside. “Not a conversation for the doorstep,” I say with a sniffle, closing the door behind him.
Inside, Xander immediately starts shivering even as he removes his coat and a soft noise of amusement rises from him. “I’m sure your neighbors loved that display.”
“Maybe,” I reply, wiping my nose with the tissue balled up in my hand. “I can’t believe you came. I don’t even know what to say.”
A lie.
I know what I want to say, but saying those words out loud will make the heartbreak down the line even more painful.
Maybe that’s the point.
Live in the moment, forget the past, and ignore the future.
In the living room, I sit on the couch with my elbows resting atop my knees.
Xander slowly sits next to me and rubs a hand down his face.
