I can feel my lips daring to drag downward as I pause to take a breath, and Gemma’s arm brushes mine in an encouraging way.
“That night, she called me, and she said, ‘Hey, let’s run away,’ and of course, I was all in,” I go on. “I wassofucking in because when the girl of your teenage dreams says she wants to run away with you, you fucking do it. And so, I picked her up in that shitty old Bronco. We were only twenty minutes down the road, laughing. Singing along to the radio. And she just looks at me in that perfect way and says she thinks I love her. I didn’t know what to do. She was teasing me, joking around, so when we hit a straight stretch of road, I leaned over, and I kissed her.”
My jaw begins to tremble. I hear Gemma exhale as if she knows what happens next, and I push through to finish.
“I kissed her, and I took my eyes off the road because she kissed me back, and she was looking at me like…” My eyes meet Gemma’s. “She was looking at me the way you look at me.”
Gemma’s jaw ticks. She straightens and turns into me, and I mirror her.
“And in the few seconds I had to enjoy my first kiss with her, my life was complete,” I say. “Everything else seemed so fucking easy. I saw my future with her in the blink of an eye. Moving to LA. Loving her. Being with her. Old and wrinkled. All of it. Until those headlights showed on her face.”
I can’t stop my tears this time.
“It was my fault,” I almost sob. “I took my eyes off the road, and she… I had drifted into the other lane. I tried to swerve, but I wasn’t fast enough. The semi hit the back end, and we flipped like six times. I was thrown out. Kelsey got stuck in her seat. And by the time I regained consciousness… There was so much fire. Iswear I could see her crying, hanging upside down in that truck. I swear I heard her say my name. I tried to get to her. Itried.”
I hiccup and shove the tears off my face, frustration swelling inside of me. “Paramedics told me later that she was already dead from injuries. That she couldn’t have called my name because there was glass in her face. They said I experienced hallucinations because of the hit I took to my head. Still, it…” I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath, trying to cool my emotions.
“I’ve worked my ass off trying to push past that night. I didn’t want to be alive for so long after losing her. I think I kept hoping one day I’d drink enough that I wouldn’t have to face another sunrise. I found a way to hide my pain from my family. And when I moved to LA and found Young Decay, I thought maybe that was the way I could distance myself from the pain. Except I didn’t want them to know. I didn’t want them to see my pain. I thought if they knew I was broken, they wouldn’t want me. And then… my mom got sick. And I wasso fucking angryat her for that. I was so angry at her for getting sick right when we signed our record deal, as if she had some kind of control over it. I was so lost in my own shit that I hated her. It was like I thought her getting sick would end my dream. I didn’t go home. I avoided her phone calls. I was mean to my dad for no reason except that I didn’t want anyone to find out. I was scared of people realizing I was broken, so I stayed drunk, and I stayed high, and I forced myself to be numb because the alternative seemed too terrifying to face because what if they didn’t want someone who was different from the person they’d asked to join their band?”
I realize then that I’m sitting on a bench, and I don’t even remember moving or sitting down on it.
Gemma is turned into me, holding onto my hand.
I scoff at myself. “After a while, I realized I didn’t have to feel anything if I just stayed one foot over the edge at all times, andthat was always a better alternative than facing the real world.” I pause to take a deep breath, eyes blinking at the darkening sky.
“And now?” Gemma asks.
“And now, I’m terrified of the opposite,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m scared of going back there. I’m petrified that one little misstep is going to have the strength to make me walk out of my front door and down the street to the liquor store. I can’t go back there. Even on the days that it sounds appealing as hell, when I’m desperate to just have a little numbness, I know I can’t. And that fucking sucks.”
Gemma’s lips quirk at the corner as she pushes a strand of hair out of my face. “That’s when you call Darcy?” she asks.
“Sometimes. I feel like Darcy has heard me say the same argument over and over, and each time, they tell me the same thing: it’s one day at a time. Every day is a new chance to say that I made it one day without that vice. Sometimes I just need to hear it again.”
My chest feels so much lighter after saying it out loud.
I feel like I can breathe, and while Gemma hasn’t said anything, I’m hoping like hell I didn’t just scare her off. She curls her hand around mine and stares at our entwined fingers as if trying to find the right words to say after all of that, and when she opens her mouth to speak, I shake my head.
“No, don’t,” I say, cutting her off. “I know that’s a lot. I know I’m a lot. And I know every time we kiss, I feel like I’m leading you on or hurting you when I really don’t mean to. So, I need you to know that I’m almost there. Or… I’m there, but I have one thing I have to take care of before I can really try. And I hope that’s okay. I hope trying is okay with you because for the first time since Kelsey, while I’m scared as hell, it’s also a good scary—whatever the fuck that means.”
Gemma looks like she wants to smile. However, as a minute of quiet passes us by, I’m wondering if she’s changed her mind.
“Oh shit. Did I just scare you?” I ask, panicking.
“You could never scare me,” she says. “I was just thinking how much your happiness is worth, and how I don’t deserve it.”
I balk slightly. “Okay, we’re not going to get into that because we’ll be here all night arguing about who deserves what, and that’s just a relentless, pointless cycle.”
She smiles. “What do you propose instead?”
“We go back to my place, and youfinallysit on my face,” I suggest.
Gemma rolls her eyes and stands up, pushing me off. “Bonnie,” she says, laughing me off.
“I think it’s a really great suggestion,” I say, following her.
“Get over it,” she teases as she starts toward the bike again.
I corner her when we reach her ride, and the way she smirks at me makes my heart race. I lean in, grinning against her lips, though I hesitate to kiss her even if I’m dying to. Gemma curls her finger beneath my chin, nose nudging mine.
