Another car drives by. The lights flare on her face.
And every ounce of wishful thinking evacuates my head.
I practically feel the color drain from my face. Gemma glances sideways at me, her expression surprisingly filled with as much anguish as I feel.
“You okay?” she asks, turning into me.
“Ah… yeah. Yeah, of course,” I say, swallowing.
She closes the gap between us as if she doesn’t believe me. I reach for her hand and kiss her fingers, blinking back the sentiment pressing against my chest.
“Bonnie, I….” Gemma sighs heavily. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“There’s something I need to tell you, too,” I admit, barely able to hold it back any longer. “And I’ve been avoiding talking about it because… I don’t think I was ready. I wasn’t sure if it would scare you away or—”
“There’s nothing you could do that would scare me,” she says, pressing her palm to my cheek.
I laugh nervously. “You say that… What I need to say might change your mind.”
“Try me.”
My tongue darts out over my lips. I don’t know where to begin, how to start…
Just spit it out.
“I want to be with you,” I manage, every word slow and calculated. “And I’ve been avoiding that truth because when I’m with you, sometimes, all I can think about is how much you make me feel. Because I feeleverythingwhen I’m with you. Everything that… everything and more that I once felt with Kelsey. Everything I once tried to forget with just one more drink. One more hit. And that’s a fucking hard truth to come to terms with because if that’s the case, then the end of this… of you and me… if it ever came, what might that mean?”
The last sentence is a squeak. I clear my throat and shake my head at myself, unable to stop the word vomit leaving my lips.
“I loved her,” I breathe. “I loved her so fucking…”
I have to pause and breathe through it, tears already lining my eyes. Gemma gives me a reassuring squeeze, then reaches up to wipe a tear from the corner of my lid.
“They say you never forget your first love, right? Especially when loving and losing her was the thing that broke me. All I ever wanted in those years after she died was to forget it ever happened. I debated so many times whether it was worth it to love again—I still debate it. And I hate the way that makes me feel.”
Gemma leans slightly, catching another tear with her thumb. “What happened that night?”
I hesitate as my gaze washes out to the city down below. Taking a heavy breath, I let go of her hand and face the overlook, hands pressing into the wooden railing. I open my mouth to speak, but all that comes out is a staggered breath, a hiccup that takes my words away.
“I’m such a fucking disaster,” I eventually manage.
Gemma steps up beside me. “You are,” she says, and I huff, almost amused. “But you’re a beautiful fucking disaster, and nothing about that makes me want to run away.”
“I’m not beautiful like this,” I say, eyeing her.
“Especially like this.”
I sniff back my tears and take a deep breath, eyes closing for a beat as I collect my thoughts. Gemma settles her forearms on the railing, getting more comfortable as she looks my way.
“Try again,” she encourages me.
I nod because I know I can say this. I can talk about this.
It’s Gemma.
I can talk to her.
“It was like… six months after graduation,” I start. “We were driving one night—well, no, let me back up. Kelsey got into a fight with her mom. Again. Her mom didn’t like that she and I had decided to take a year off and then move to LA in the new year. I was so fucking excited about it. She was my best friend. My crush. My world revolved around her, and at eighteen… the world was already so small that nothing else seemed to matter.I was so in love with her. I didn’t care that we were just friends, but god, that night…”
