Before all this, I think IthoughtI was in love with her. I was obsessed, feral just to have her look at me.
However, nothing that I felt then comes close to what I feel for her now.
She’s my entire existence, and I know that’s a shit feeling to put on someone. But she is. I’m nothing more than a hit woman without her, a person wading through life one job at a time.
I never realized I might be so fucking far gone in love with her that telling her who I really am would rip me to shreds. That the reaction my body currently has to losing her would be more powerful than preserving it.
There’s a quick knock at the door before it opens, and I can’t scramble to my feet fast enough to beat Zeb bounding through the threshold.
“Oh yeah, you are still here. You good?” he asks upon seeing me on the ground.
“Yeah,” I say, getting to my feet. “All good.” I swipe the emotion off my face and give him a forced smile that he smirks at.
“You don’t have to lie,” he says. “I can’t imagine this is easy. Especially after…”
His voice trails, and I feel my eyes narrow. “After what?”
“Ah… Bonnie told me,” he says. “About you two, I mean.”
“Oh,” I manage.
“Oh,” he says, teasing me.
I stare at the ground as I grab the pillow I previously hurled across the room. “I don’t know how long she’ll be out. And Idon’t want you or anyone to think that just because I’m here that you can’t… that I’m keeping her from you. I’m not. I’m—”
“Gem, if you were anywhere else and she was alone, I’d be on your fucking ass right now,” Zeb says, cutting me off. “I know it’s hard. But if you want to go shower, eat something, go on your morning run that I know you like to do, go. I got her.”
I glance back at Bonnie over my shoulder, heart constricting. “I don’t want her to think I left her.”
“Look, whatever this is—” he gestures to Bonnie and I with his hand “—it isn’t going to disappear because you went on a run. It’s Bon. She’d tell you to go fuck yourself and have a normal day rather than sitting around and waiting on her to get it together. She might even tell me to piss off, even if I know she shouldn’t be alone.”
“Yeah, no, she shouldn’t,” I say, agreeing with him. A heavy exhale leaves me, and I hang my head. “Okay. Um. Are you sure—”
“Yes. Get the fuck out of here. Go for a run, check in with Kade, get something to eat. Bring me back a meatball sub.”
I snort, and he grins.
“Go.”
“Yeah, okay. Alright, I’m going,” I say, making my way to the door. “Text me when she’s up?”
“No,” he says with a shake of his head. “No, I’m not doing that. If she’s up when you get back, great. But do what you need to do.”
I nod, finally surrendering entirely to his suggestion. “Meatball sub, huh?” I ask.
“Make sure they put onions, mushrooms, and jalapeños on it,” he says. “Orange soda.”
A quiet laugh leaves me. “Okay, Havoc,” I say, opening the door.
“Hey, Gem—”
I pause, one foot on the steps. His joking expression is softened as he glances at her sleeping figure, then back at me.
“Do you have any idea who did this?” he asks.
I’d tell him, except he doesn’t need to get mixed up in it.
“Yeah,” I admit, swallowing. “Yeah. I do. And I need you to trust me when I say I’m handling it. Me. No one else.”
