"I don't mean to—“
"I understand, Nyssa. I really do." He sighed heavily as she knelt beside him. "I just... I don't think I realized it would hurt this much."
His broken expression nearly finished her. His hands were clenched around themselves. She could see the throb of the vein in his neck. She reached out for him, but he flinched from her touch, and the knot wrenched her heart. She didn't know what to say.
"Nad—“
"Nyssa, I want you too," he cut her off. "I wantallof you. I want everything. And I have meant all the things I've said to you. But this..." He paused to rub both his hands behind his neck, heel tapping quickly in the sand.
The decision stretched over his features, and the knot around her heart twisted.
"I understand what you're saying," he continued. "I do. I know you're right. But, I don't know that I can handle looking at you every day, surrounded by sunlight and my beach, while you throw yourself into this war with my having to guard every look upon my face. It is hard enough having to guard the pain I am in since this whole thing started... To have to guard my eyes against looking at you and smiling when you are the only thing bringing me joy right now... I don't... I don't know how to do that too."
It was her breaths that stilled this time. What he'd said rang true for her as well. But there was nothing she could do about it.
The second option.
"I suppose that's it then," she managed, the tear rolling down her cheek.
"Yeah," he whispered.
She swallowed the choke in her throat, letting the tear dry on her face in the hopes he didn't see her breaking. "I'll make myself scarce," she forced herself to say. "No more leering at you across beaches. No more... No more of whatever this last week has been. I'll train with Lex. All I ask is that you let me in the war room when it is time."
He nodded and turned towards her. "Okay."
For a moment, they didn't look away from one another. The wash of what they'd just decided poured through them both. He leaned forward, pressed his lips to her forehead, and took her hand. What was left of her heart vanished, and she was left with an open fissure where it should have been, bleeding out as a restless heat along her extremities. She squeezed his fingers as he entwined them together.
The quiet promise of a simple touch.
"Tell me this isn't forever," he whispered.
"You make it sound like we're saying goodbye."
"It feels like we are," he admitted. "It feels like another part of me is dying. Like this war has already taken more from me than I ever anticipated losing. If this is the last I can be with you--"
"It's not forever," she promised. "It's only until they trust me enough that they do not think differently of you as well."
"Even still," he rolled his head against hers, and his forehead pressed to her temple. "Curses, why does this hurt so much?" he said, more to himself than to her.
Nyssa slowly stood, still holding onto his hands. "I assume you have a bottle of nyghtfire somewhere in your shack?"
Nadir nodded as he stood, and he led her to his home.
No words were spoken at first in the quiet of the house as he grabbed the glasses and poured them both large helpings of the spiced whiskey. Nyssa pushed herself atop the counter as he did. The drink was pressed into her hand, and for a moment, they simply stared at each other, his hand grazing her knee.
"To wanting what we can't have," she finally managed with a raise of her glass.
She could see the clench in Nadir's jaw, and he breathed, "That's really not funny, Princess," in a voice so low she hardly heard him. But it quirked a smile on her lips nonetheless, and she pushed her drink against his.
"I think it's perfect."
He watched her another moment, glistening gaze reflecting back to her in the moons' light. She sipped the nyghtfire, letting its burn wash down her throat, and she watched as he did the same.
"Why is this so hard?" he whispered.
Nyssa sat her cup down. "Because whatever this is isn't something either of us thought we would have to lose."
Nadir's weight shifted before her, he set down his own cup, and he reached up to push her hair out of her eyes. "What is this?"
