“Robin.”
I forced my mouth shut and stared at him wide-eyed, feeling my face slowly transform into a tomato.
Skyler bit his lip. “Please let me say this.” He watched me for a bit, like he was waiting for me to calm down. Which wasnotgoing to happen. He seemed to realize that and kept going. “Just because I don’t feel physical or romantic attraction for you right now doesn’t necessarily mean I never will.”
“Huh.” My heart was pounding in my temples, in my throat, in my everywhere. I gripped the fabric of my kneepads and tried to remember to keep breathing.
He twisted his fingers in his lap. I wanted to take them. I wanted to take his hand, possibly more than anything I’d ever wanted ever. Then he reached over and took mine.
He. Took. My.Hand.
My face caught fire and I stopped breathing.
“Are you okay?” Skyler asked.
I nodded vigorously, wishing that I wasn’t such a freak. “Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I be? You’ve only ever been honest with me, and you don’t owe me anything, and I’m such an idiot—”
“I really do want to be your friend,” he said again, crushing every last sliver of my heart, “but I know you want me to be something else. And ... I’m not sure Idon’twant that too. I like you. I do. I don’t want to make any promises that I might not be able to keep. But ...” His eyes hovered on my lips. “Maybe things can be different. Maybe it would mean I’m growing up.”
What washappening?
Skyler swallowed. “Would it be okay if I kissed you?”
August 15th
“Would it be okay if youwhat?” Robin squeaked.
“Well,” I began, nervousness itching at my skin, “if my feelings changed once with Delia, that means it can happen again, right?” Maybe this was when things would click, when I would finallyknow what I was. “It couldn’t hurt to try.”
“No.” He gulped, eyes wide. “No, it could not.”
I inched forward until our foreheads were barely touching. His warm breath brushed against my cheek, which was strange but not totally off-putting. Maybe I was worrying for nothing. I closed my eyes—
“Wait!” A hand pressed against my mouth.
My eyes shot back open to see Robin leaning back, palm firmly between us. His face was scrunched up, like he’d just been punched in the stomach.
“I’m sorry,” he groaned. “I’m so sorry. This is wrong.”
I blinked back the whiplash of how this conversation had gone. “It ... is?”
“Yes.” Robin dropped his hand, moving it to twist in the hem of his shirt. “You shouldn’t have to force yourself to have feelings for me if you don’t. I don’t want that.” His face pulled into a watery smile. “I wouldloveto be your friend. A-and you’re not Peter Pan, okay? Don’t think I didn’t catch that. You’re not a kid, or stunted, or whatever, ugh, and I’m so sorry I made you feel that way. I mean,” he sputtered, seeming to struggle for a moment, “look, I-I saw your face, when you thought I was going to kiss you, and—” he swallowed. “You didn’t ... you don’twantto do this. Not really. And that’sfine. If your feelings change one day,cool. I would like to, um, be there when—ifthat happens, but if itdoesn’t happen,then that doesn’t make you a little boy. Or”—he grimaced—“you know,broken. And I shouldn’t have made you feel that way. I’m sorry. I’m just ... so sorry.”
My throat had gone tight, and I was frozen on the bench. Something like a hysterical laugh bubbled out of my chest before I could stop it, and I pressed my hands to my forehead. “Okay?”
Robin pulled my hands down and held them tight between us. “I would be so incredibly honored to be your friend. Like, obviously you shouldn’twantto be mine because I’mliterallythe worst person in the world—”
“You’re not.”
“I am, though! It’s sad. And I’m sad. And everything is sad and it’s all my fault.”
Robin had never been able to hide anything on his expressive face—it was twisted with regret now, like he was so sure I would pay him back by running away fromhimthis time, or yelling, or telling him to his face that he was awful.
All I felt was relief, the cloud of expectation lifting from my shoulders. He didn’t think I was broken or lying. He still wanted to be my friend.
“It’s not your fault,” I reassured him—the memory of the despair on his face last night briefly resurfacing before I shoved it back down. “I guess you can’t help your feelings any more than I can.”
“But I’m so sorry I made you uncomfortable,” Robin said softly, biting his lip. “I’mso sorry.” He took a deep breath. “Um. Actually. C-can I hug you?”
