Me and him dualling for air on earth when the darkness calls each one of us home. I have to remember to fight for me. Then he’s gone, and I’m left with nightmares of a haunted past seeping into my now.
It’s all just broken shards of a past that isn’t my current presence.
My current presence is 81 and his overpowering near suffocation of love. Who would have thought such a beast could love with such force that it gives butterflies, butterflies. He has shadowed my every move. Questions my every flinch and flicker. Sit and stares so deep into my eyes, like he’s trying to read my soul because he doesn’t believe the truth of my words when I wake in the middle of the night sweating and gasping for air. I am ok. I always say to him. It’s just a dream I will wake up from and they will lessen. I know over time as my new life with him slowing suffocates the past terrors with that I endured at the hands of Carl. I never not once asked him what happened and where he went, I don’t need to know. 81 and his men did what they do best removed a threat and took with it all trace of life before.
The way he treats me like glass is beautiful, but I need him to know I’m stronger than my last nightmare. If only I could shake the nauseating feeling, I’ve had that has sat inside the pit of my stomach since that night. Then he will believe me when I say I’m fine, because looking at myself now in the mirror of my bathroom at two am after puking my guts out from waking in yet another nightmare that tasted as real as the bile inside my mouth.
It’s the same in the mornings too the sun has barely kissed the moon and I find myself with my head inside the toilet bowl.
Everything has become harder.
The world.
The smells.
The noise.
Work.
The one thing that brang me joy is now bringing tears to my eyes. The smell of flowers making me gag and hurl into buckets reversed for flower stems not the bile from my empty stomach. I can’t hold anything down and I feel absolutely exhausted from trying to look better than I feel. My stomach recoils and the scar along my abdomen burns like its being cut open from the inside out. My fingers find the jiggered scar that holds a memory so painful I swear it kills me to just bring me back to life each time.
81 always runs his fingers and hands over the scar each chance he gets. He tells me out of them all he finds this one the most beautiful. All I see when I feel it and touch it is a venomous hatred for the reason it’s on my skin and the story behind it the man that did it. A constant reminder that I will always be broken and not whole. I won’t be a woman but a shell of what a woman was meant to be before the devil caved his mark.
The bell above the door to my store chimes it’s over the top hello we are happy and it’s a brilliant day sound that sends a shiver over my skin clammy from cold sweats and nauseated feeling. I roll my eyes and I wipe the back of my hand over my mouth trying to wipe away the bile and sweat from puking into a bucket for the twentieth time today.
Taking in a deep breath I plaster a fake as shit smile of my face flick my long ponytail over my shoulder and try to greet my customer. A sigh of relief leaves me when I see it’s Timberly and I don’t need to fake anything around her she sees right through the shit show anyway.
“Wow babe you look like shit.”
Blowing out a breath I look at her. "No shit." I try to fan some cool air with my hand over my face.
“You’ve been sick a while now girl, anything you wanna tell me?” Her brows raise in question as I lower myself into the stool behind the counter. She’s been over a lot more since the boys left on a run for the club. For company she says, but I know 81 has given her struct instructions to keep an eye on me.Lord guys I did fine alone right up till I meet you all.
“It’s a stomach flu. I’m sure, I was thinking it was because of that night and my body in shock but now I’m certain it’s the flu.” Picking up my bottle of water I try and take some small sips of the cool water something to wash the taste from my mouth and fill my stomach so it’s not just burning that burning bile I bring up next time.
The sound of her laugh echoes inside my shop bouncing off flower petals and back at me. I pin her with a glare.
“Something funny?”
“Or pregnant?” Her statement causes a roll of newfound nausea to cripple my insides. My hand goes to my stomach the scar a reminder of a past I have clawed, kicked, fought and screamed to forget.
“I-I-c-a-n-t,” my voice stutters over the realty of the weight of what she is implying. A dream I have dreamt for what feels like an eternity with a hard realty that he not only took my spirit but stole the one thing that makes me like Timberly like them all— a woman.
Hot tears prick at the corner of my eyes as her eyes sad find mine.
“Even if it was possible 81 and I we haven’t even spoken about anything like that. We are still trying to settle inside each other’s darkness and soothe the demons that rage war on a daily.” It true this is our realty. His past meets mine we struggle we push and pull its hard. We both were hurt beyond repair yet, it’s our bodies that seek the healing inside each other’s darkness that is fast becoming a magical yet crazy love story.
“He’s only ever wanted to be a dad ya know. He lost his boy the same night as he lost Hannah, she took so much from him in one callus action that set the course of destruction that you see before you.” Her words sting like fire ants biting at the edges of your skin working their way in. I nod slowly my head buzzing as wave after wave of nausea grips at the edges of my mind.
“I know Timberly. I know.” My voice broken. She shuffles as I close my eyes under the palms of my hands needing darkness and silence.
“He would be happy you know jade. Like for real happy if there is even the slightest possibility don’t be afraid to find out or at least try.” Moving my hands away from my face slowly opening my eyes, I look at the women who has become my friend. Who knows him so well, better than me and that stings. They all know him and his demons I am still on the outside looking in. Each step in is closer to him but yet they are in the center. All I can offer her is a weak smile and a half assed “Ok Tim. But right now, I’m going back to bed.” I’ll see you later.” Pressing myself up to my feet a slight wobbled as I try to gain composure it’s hard when I have nothing inside me and I am absolutely exhausted.
She leans over and kisses my cheek. “It will be ok Jade he’s a monster, but that monster loves you.” I wait until she's left before I move and then paced my shop. Picked things up and put them down. Moved things from one side of the shop to the other. Tied balloons to shelves and then made a few arrangements in the hopes that her words with flutter away with them but they don’t they sit heavy like the bile inside my stomach that aches for food and a baby. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to be a mom and a wife.
I move my hand to my stomach, to the small to the small, rounded bump that I’ve put down to a bloated belly waiting for a period to come that hasn’t so I then placed that down to stress and anxious few weeks of death and nightmares where living in normal seemed to be so far from me that this was my new life. I haven’t eaten in days and feel delirious I can’t be pregnant. He made sure that would never happen again. The doctor even stated it would be very unlikely with the amount of damage laid by such savage hands. Even then no one chose to help me or care. When the abuse was right there in front of them. The damage, the scars. Marks and bruises the tears that streaked my cheeks, yet they sent me back with him to a home that was filled with hate and broken dreams wrapped inside violent hands.
How could one now settle inside a womb that was sliced open and healed inside a jiggered line of ripped skin and scar tissue. Could it even be possible? Could I have a miracle be granted this one true happiness inside a world of dark coldness? Could my body love me enough to grant me the gift of a baby? The questions sit like a flickering neon sign in the frontal cortex of my brain. Grabbing my bag from under the counter, I lock the front door and escape out the back and head straight to the drug store only one way to find out for sure.
