Ten empty boxes sat around me on the white marble floor of my bathroom. Ten sticks all placed in a prefect line in front of me. My knees pulled up tight to my chest my arms wrapped around them. Anchoring me to this space and time where I stare down at ten perfect little sticks all screaming the impossible back at me. All saying the same thing in their own way glowing with an aura of hope and a dream that has come true a wish upon a star that I could have the chance to grow a human inside me. To nourish a miracle and something that no matter what in this world will love me for the simple reason alone that I am its momma.
I am pregnant. I am having a baby. Jade. Me. the girl with the scar that burns along a jiggered line in my abdomen is holding a life. A life that is half 81 and half me. I am the broken scared girl who is with a biker who lost a baby like I did but in an entirely different nightmare. How am I going to tell him that my broken body is now home to his baby? Does he want this baby? Will this baby take away from the son he lost? Is Timberly right when she says that this is all he’s ever wanted?
Yes, in its own right it is but it was with her. Hannah his great love. She was the one he asked to marry him inside a world that she understood and fat into. She was the one that gave him the first-time joy and pure ecstatic feeling of a new life that was half him and half her his princess inside darkness. I am just the second women the other women. The one that brings her own baggage a woman that caused is hands to kill for her.
I am still negativing this world with him his eyes and his body. His actions and his reactions. We are still finding each other feeling our way around. How do you tell a man like him that your pregnant? Like oops sorry didn’t think I could, turns out I can. Surprise! My mind keeps slipping back to when I found out I was pregnant the first time how happy I was and for it to be meet with such rage and violence that it killed the little life and nearly took me with it.
Grabbing the trash can my body throws up the small amount of water I have managed to consume today. Weak and exhausted I wrap my limbs around the trash can and stare at the tests all in a line like little soldiers ready for war.
My phone buzzes inside my handbag on the floor next to me. The door creaks under the weight of someone knocking on the outside. I ignore all these sounds and just lay folded around the trash can on the cool marble floor. My thoughts shifting in between all the possibilities of how this will play out. My hand resting on the tiny little bump that now I know was a little life. I’m growing a baby, a wee human that was going to love me and call me momma. That didn’t know the bad of my past. The pain or hate that washed over me before I met its daddy and found this love inside a chaos so violent that it gave me whiplash.
Somewhere between this and my fear I must have fallen asleep because I woke to 81’s fingers pressing back the cold clammy hair from my face. Sweat covering my body. Realization hits me like a tidal wave, nausea ripples over me, as the tell-tale signs of puking hit the back of my mouth and rise up and out into the trash can.
The thrum of adrenaline drowning inside veins with unspeakable rear and dread. For his reaction to my laying here a hot mess matted puke in my hair and ten pregnancy tests laid out. The twisted, knotting feeling strangling inside my lungs, making it difficult to breathe. His hand moves from my temple to my cheek. Our eyes meet in the middle of a stare. A weak smile crosses over my lips as he searches my eyes.
“Hey you.” My voice quiet inside the small room. His big frame takes up most of the space engulfing us both. Sending safety but also black fear. My body can’t help but feel it. Worry about it. It dances inside my veins like poison from a viper sinking in and taking over.
“What’s up here little bird?” He lowered his body to the floor and rests his head next to mine on the cold floor. “You seem a little sick?” All I can do was nod.
“I missed you.” He moves his lips to mine, placing a small kiss to my dry cracked lips.
“I missed you too.” I manage to get out through a heavy fog of tears threating to break free as my hands shook, I let go of the bin so I can touch his face road worn and tired his eyes screamed solace for home.
“How long have you been laying here on the floor for?” Another question I don’t trust myself to answer. So, I shake my head even that small movement causes nausea to attack my insides, making me move fast knocking my head on his chin, as I reach or the bin to puke in. After emptying my stomach yet again whipping my mouth, I move to look at 81.
“I’m sorry.” Embarrassment hit me. The man I wanna love forever has to witness such a disturbing sight after been away for days.
“For?” His look is of confusion. “All of this.” Waving my hands over the room and myself.
“I look like shit. I feel like shit. I smell like shit and well I have something to tell you.” A thick fog of fear chokes me and weighs me down as I struggle to meet his eyes and tell him.
He places his fingers under my chin pressing up, so I had nowhere to hide to look at him through my heavy bangs and wet lashes.
“Little bird I know.” He kisses the top of my nose.
“Know?” Shaking my head at him, as he moves his hands to cup either side of my neck. I shift so I can sit up 81 follows, his hands holding me in place. “Little bird we will get through this together.”
I'm lost, I don't know what he's talking about. My brain doesn't have time to register as another wave hit me, causing me to puke into the bin again.
White light hit me, and the nausea makes me dizzy as his words mesh into a sound that scares me.
“Your pregnant little bird. I knew this before I even went on the run.” Shaking the dizzy fog from my brain, I reach for the water bottle taking a small sip from the open top.
“You knew?” My brows knit together. “Yes, little bird.” I move my eyes to his hands as he picks up the tests from the floor looking at them, a smile cracking over his lips lighting up his face with a joy that I honestly didn’t think would graze his features.
“I’m so scared.” I open up to him.
“Why little bird?”
“Because I thought you wouldn’t want us. That I was taking away from the baby before.”
“This.” He holds up the test to my eyes his hand taking mine lifting my knuckles to his to lips. “Us, this, is fucking insane little bird. I’m scared too. I’ve never fallen from this high before. But know that it’s something I want you don’t need to ever be scared. Don’t fear little bird for I am here to keep you safe.”
Placing the test down and my hand to my side, he stands stretching out his body the bones click back into place as he lowers himself down and scoops me from the floor taking me from the bathroom to my bedroom the coolness of my blankets greets my flushed but clammy skin. “I’m going to love you forever little bird. I will die for you and this little one.” His lips travel to my belly kissing the exposed skin under my baggy t-shirt. His fingers tracing the scar the place where our little life is growing.
“I’ll keep you both safe forever. Marry me little bird.” Shock buzzes in my ears.“Marry me. stay with me let’s do life together forever. I will fuck up I know I will. It will hurt. I will be a mess and it will be hard at times. But never ever doubt the love I have for you little bird. The love I’ll have for this little one. I will keep you both safe I’ll fight the devil to keep you here both of you” He speaks in a rambled mess of words coated so thick in emotions that had hot tears rolling down my face as my fingers dug into his hair pulling his mouth towards mine.
“Yes. Forever one million times yes.”
