“Because wankstain Bray is losing his shit over that scene the other day. Plus, there has been some fuck-up with some gun deal. You and Hawk gotta meet up and sort it out. The said whispering is because Bray has us all on lockdown until your and Ghost’s asses walk back in the doors,” he whispers. Wow, a grown-ass man whispering because he is scared that the big, bad grumpy wolf will snap.
“I’m a bit busy on other business right now,” I answer the douche.
“Oh, fucking really brother? Last time I checked you were wearing my patch so best you and ya side kick get ya asses back here now!” The angry voice of Bray screams down through the phone, startling Jade and making me laugh.
“Calm the fuck down, brother. You will wake the dead with that shit.”
“81, I mean it. This isn’t funny.” His voice is panicked. He’s tripping over shit that can be sorted just like that. Explained and sorted.
“Calm ya tits, brother. It will all be ok.” I hit end on the call, slide it back on the bedside table and sink down into the sheets with my little love. Fuck Bray. He can wait.
I watch her sleep. She is the most precious and fragile stone there is in this fucked-up world. Hannah dances inside my mind like a dead woman’s touch only can. As I try hard to push her back, she leaps forward, like a whisper on my broken heart strings. She tries to reel me back in. It’s different this time. Normally I would be all for it. All for dancing with the dead. Bleeding for her while crying on a cold headstone.
But today, today is different. I feel lighter. She’s not drowning me in the sobering pain of death and grief. I miss her and I miss that I could have been a father, a husband, but as I push back tiny tendrils of hair from my little bird’s face, I realize I can have all that soppy shit with her. She’s saving me from the dead and that’s okay with me.
I will always love you Hannah and I will always hold what we had. The chaos, the love, the broken shards of each other and the laughter were ours. But I gotta figure out how to do this different type of love that I have right here with this beauty laying in my bed.
Hannah’s eyes pool with tears as her hands wrapped around her body breaking her heart again hurts just like it did the first time. I watched her circle the drain high on coke. I couldn’t stick around then to watch her go down and I can’t now. I want different. I want this the feeling that Jade gives me. It’s quiet with her. Her touch fixes all the broken in me. Her kiss mends the hurt. Her words calm the storm and her pussy… fuck, her sweet pussy quells the rage from a leashed demon ready to pounce at someone’s jugular.
I want more than emptiness and cold sheets. I want her tears to fix my scars as mine will erase hers. We both need the fucked up to make something beautiful. Hannah will always be the one woman I loved first, but Jade has been written in the stars. She’s my soul mate. I feel it. Just by looking at her, I know she’s written in the scars on my heart. She will be the women that teaches me to love again.
Jade twists in my arms, her body stretching out as her arms pull me deeper into her.
“Stop overthinking shit. It’s way too early for it.” Her voice laced with sleep; it’s fucking beautiful.
“I wasn’t,” I mouth into her lips. I can’t help it. I need to taste her, and her lips ground me when I feel like I am falling back down into old patterns. I’ve only been kissing them for mere hours, but she grounds me. Who would have thought that a woman with this quiet beauty could tame the beast?
Fuck me she has.
“You so were, and it was loud. Did you know, Mister that lust can be fun - I'm not saying it isn't – but where does it lead? What is its purpose? Everyone I know who prefers lust to love was damaged by someone. They won't trust anymore and without trust you can't have love; it just isn't possible. So yeah, you can hit the whores in a biker club and you'll still be lonely inside. Nothing can touch that but a true lover – trustworthy and kind. So, don't give up on love, the real deal, not the beauty and the beast biker version. Coz let’s face it, that didn’t really go to plan for you, did it? Your love is your best friend, your confidant, your eternal refuge.
“For if we have a moral compass, and I believe we do, then what else could be true north but true love? I'm no prude, heck no, it's just that you're too precious to waste yourself in these shallow ways and dead ends, when what you need is a haven for your soul. So, stop fighting with the dead and just let go. Yes, it will hurt but hurting is good because hurting is alive. Stop worrying about what could have been, and worry about loving something a little different than what the cliché biker-boy story is. Try a little mellow love with skeletons of a different type of past.”
My fingers grip the pillow tight behind her head as I search her eyes. She is out of this world insane and she’s right. This little woman laying naked in my bed is right. She’s the one that can give me the good tasting love, not the bad love Hannah gave. That type was a drug for my soul, in the same way Hannah used drugs to be free from her dark thoughts. Channeling mental health where she made horrible choices that had us both sleeping with the devil at night, walking with secrets and demons during the day that we tried to sweep under the rug.
“She’s always there, Jade. Running through my dreams. It’s like it’s always on repeat. Even in waking moments it’s there - the pain, she’s there. It feels like it’s been nothing but an eternity of constant pain, when all I wanna do is leave the light on to try and keep the dark moments at bay. She bled me out on the floor, only to drag me back up to be left alone. because she chose to bow out and leave me to burn to the ground with her… but I didn’t get to leave, she did. I’m alone, been so alone with nothing but her running through my veins,” I say through clenched teeth. This whole emotion and talking hurts a beast like me. I’m great at many things, this shit though, this shit is a lot harder for a man like me to get out.
“Truth be told, 81, I can’t even begin to understand what that was like for you. The pain of realizing that she was gone and never coming back. “I get that it’s easier to live inside the wrapped walls of a dream because that’s safer than reality and the pain that it brings. Life’s not fair but I’ll sit with you in the dark with the light on.” She moves her hands to cup my face, her thumbs lightly rubbing my cheeks. “Tell me about her and what she was like, so i know just what type of ghost I'm up against." Her smile is sweet on her lips. My forehead moves to hers, resting there for a moment just to breathe her in. “Tell me about the scars, the ink. What do all these mean to you? what make you 81?" I know she wants more. This was coming, I know it and I want nothing but to show her just what I am I want nothing but to show her just what I am. Can she handle it? Now, that is the question.
“I am vengeance. I am rage. I am death, little bird. I am the monster your mother warned you about,” I speak the truth into her amber eyes that didn’t blink or even flinch away.
“Lucky for you my mother didn’t warn me of shit, and even better luck I’m not scared of monsters,” she sasses. It’s in that moment that I know this little bird will ride on the back of my bike through the flames of hell and ask if that is it. If that is the worst part of this sick twisted story.
“It’s the same old shit, little bird. Guy meets girl. Girl is epic as shit, sinful and takes the dark and feeds on the demons. Girl got hooked on drugs, so did the boy. They were a lethal combo fueled with fire and fuck-all water. Crazed and paranoid. Boy had to do shit on the road. Spent a lot of time away, working for a club that meant more to him, and still does, than the blood running through his skin.
“But you see, little bird, club life is hard. Lots of blood covers my hands. Lots of lives' taken. My eyes are the last a lot see. She used that as power over me, to get that high that she would be gone for weeks on end. She cheated, lied, begged, and stole, but that boy still loved the fuck outta her crazy ass and asked her to marry him.
“All was good. Her and her twin sister were club girls. It worked, it did. She was happy. She promised me she was getting clean, she was done. No more dealer, no more drugs. No more taking off and fucking him for a bag. She lied. I was a fool as I believed her. She would turn up beaten black and blue beg me to stay, beg me to take the pain away, beg me to fuck away her demons. But I wasn’t to lay my hands on the men that placed them inside her.
“It killed me each and every fucking time, but I did it. I would do anything for her. I did. I lied, I cheated, and I made excuses. I thought I could change her— save her. She thought she could save me, change me. I fought. She fought. But in the end, she set us on fire. I lived, her and my little boy died in a bed of flames inside a house of horrors and now I live with ghosts and sleep with the dead.”
Scrubbing my hands through the rough side of my shaven head, I know I need to shower and shave. I need to escape before she can freak the fuck out and run. It’s like she senses the war I am having with myself. Her body moves and she pulls herself up.
Placing her knees on either side of me, her tiny frame straddles my massive frame and I think, as I look at her looking down at me, how I could ruin her pussy from this vantage point. I think how much I want to, with my hand wrapped around her throat and the other holding her hip, pushing her deeper over my cock till my name is screamed from that sweet mouth.
“I’m not even going to pretend like I even know how much that would have hurt. Or how much that shit would fuck you up. But I will tell you that I kinda really fucking like you and I will stay. It will be something different, but I will fucking love you with that insane, crazy, type of love.” Her hands cup my face while her hair encases us inside a waterfall of tendrils.
“I don’t know how to love someone else, little bird. I don’t know how I get her face outta my head.”
