He reaches his arms out for me, I fall into him running from one monster and into another, this one seeming a lot least harmful than the fists of my past.
I grip onto him as he pulls me behind him.He steps from his bike, I can feel the heat roll from him, his eyes scanning the steps of the church. I peer over his shoulder, as I shake like a broken doll behind the walls of this man’s body.
I hold onto him for dear life. I thought I was fine. I thought I was stronger now. I thought I had got rid ofhimand was now just living with bad dreams, but I wasn’t, I hadn’t. He’s here, standing on the top step of the church with his hands inside the pockets of his jeans, having a stare off with a biker who could quite easily dispose of him and no one would ever find him again.
I could feel his body quaking with anger or was that mine quaking with years of torment finally spilling over.
“Got yaself a perfect little whore there, don’t ya, tough guy?”
I hear his voice seep venom down the steps towards me as 81’s body flexes under my touch. I can practically feel his body coil in rage at the words spat down to us.
“I see no whore here. I only see a boy with a fucking punch me sign hanging from his neck.” Nausea dances around my stomach as Carl’s laugh burnt my skin. That laugh always came just before his fists and straight after he had kicked me till blood splattered the walls.
“Something funny, punk?” 81 steps forward a step and I shuffle with him, far too scared to let go and be left open for Carl’s anger and fists to reach me.
“Just you, thinking she is something worth fighting for. She is only good for a fuck and a kicking. Hope ya like the scars. Oh, and Jade, I see you in the dark when you think I don’t. I do see you there,baby.” He bites out as he walks down the steps. Each stepwas a new word, another threat and another nightmare to add to the thousands that dance inside my mind, when the world goes to sleep and the demons comes out to play.
81 steps as if to follow Carl as he walks past us, I cling to him my nails biting into the worn leather of his cut. “Please don’t, please don’t leave me to follow him.” My voice is a broken shard of sound leaving me. I hate that he can still after two years he can stillmake me feel so broken.
“Jade, what the fuck?” His tone has me flinching behind him as his fury rages through him into me. His eyes follow Carl, who is looking over his shoulder at 81, taunting him and shattering me. His body fights his mind to go after him.
“I wanna break that wank stains face, Jade. Just let me break a few of his bones.” His tone is gritty and harsh like scraping your flesh over the tarmac.
“I-I-I just wanna go home.” I breath into him my body falling into his hard back. The smell of stale smoke and leather mingled with the wind and road greet me. Closing my eyes, I fall into the safety net that is 81. While my body anddemeanor screamed it from the moment, I saw him; I know I will be safe even if he isn’t mine to hold at night. Even if he could not fall for a shattered china doll like me, I know I’m still safe in his eyes at least.
His hand finds my waist as he reaches behind for me. His fingers tighten around my hip bones as he twists into me.
I can feel my body restricted of air, the burn hitting my lungs as my eyes go black. The world begins to spin like a vortex as memories, fears, the past smells and sounds all hit me like a tidal wave. 81 reaches for my face, his hands cupping both side of my cheeks, pulling my fading vision to meet his dark molteneyes.
“Stay with me, little bird. It is just you and me. Only us. I exhale you inhale.”
My body shakes under the weight of all that is flooding through me and I can hardly stand up let alone make my brain remind my lungs to inhale the much-needed air for survival.
The black dots forming at the edges made his taunt, nervous, almost violent expression become something out of a star dotted dark night.
“Stay, little bird. Don’t slip. Stay with me.” I watch in amazement as his lips move around each word shaping the syllables.
“I can’t breathe.” I push out. My body jellifies as his hands move from my face down the column of my neck, slowly to my shoulders and slipping onto my hipsagain. He pulls me into himand the stars flash like warning signs mixed with desire and my stomach rolls as my heart hammers inside my chest, I can feel it bouncing on and off my chest plate.
“Little bird, I want so bad to kiss you right now.”
“Who is the other girl I see inside your eyes looking back at me?” I whisper out to him as my eyes flutter closed before he becomes distant again.
“Please, don’t be mad with me.” I breath into him as his fingers tighten around me.
“I couldn’t handle anymore confrontation today,” I say again as he sucks in the air that surrounds the small suffocating space between us. My eyes open to watch his features harden as she dances inside the deep depths.
“I don’t want to be the other girl, and I don’t even know if I can be that girl. I am unsure if I can share your hazel eyes with her. Does she even know about me?” I question him knowing the frozen little girl filled with fear inside me is talking now and not the adult. He stares at me for a few second before his eyes slam closed. I feel his nails bite into my skin through the fabric of my sensible and bleakly boring clothing. I do not want men to see me as an object again. I do not want them to look at me and want to touch me. I do not want to ever give them a chance to hurt me like Carl did, to seek me out and groom me for destruction and self-worthlessness. I want to be me the old me before Carl’s hands stained and scarred me bone deep.
“Baby, I would kill for you. You’re my fucking church, don’t you see that?”
The husky, whiskey sound of his voice wraps around me like a shield. As his eyes open, I am meet with just a hazel stare. Just him, no woman with flowing black hair and wild eyes staring back out at me.
“Who are you talking to? Me or her?” I feel the hot burn of the tears prickle at the corners of my eyes. I don’t know why this emotion, this man, this whole thing before me has me confused.
“Little bird, it’s you. You’re who I’m talking to.” His lips are so close to mine. I swallow as his fingers unlink from my hip and shakily run through the loose strands of my hair that the cool breeze has blown across my face. His fingers touch my skin ever so lightly but wildfire dances in their wake,causing goosebumps to rise over my body.
“I wanna taste so much more than just your lips, little bird.” I quiver as flash backs hit my mind and a buzzing starts in my ears. “My body is begging me, little bird, but inside your eyes I see fear. I don’t wanna see fear when I kiss you. That wank stain from before hurt you, didn’t he?” he questions me. His voice is hard, and it has an edge of death inside it.
