“Every time I have to say goodbye it hurts. You hurt me more than anyone ever had. Yet, when the sun goes down, I find myself here seeking out the comfort of your ghost… memories that cut. You make me feel pain, even when you’re gone. How can I escape your memory when you scarred me so deep?” I breathe into her headstone as I lay down between the two.
“I can’t get you out of my head. You were more than my dark side, you fed me light when things where good. What the fuck do I do? I wanna fall for her, take away all her pain and replace it, but I know I’ll push her past the edge, and she will come out more fucked up than she was when she stepped inside my dark.
Hannah, what do I do?” I ask her knowing I won’t get an answer.
Kissing the headstones, I slip away from this cold, sad place, and head for my bike. There is another place I need to go, and I wish it were Jades. It is not… It is the alley where all bad decisions are made.
Chapter Fifteen
Jade
I paced my small apartment waiting for the sound of his bike, but it hasn’t come. The only thing that has rolled up ishisfucking car. His beady eyes staring up at my blackened windows. Sitting in the dark night after night has me on edge… watching, waiting, ready for his attack.
I have packed a duffle bag to escape if he were to break through the walls of my fortress. I will run again. I must admit lately my thoughts have been on murder more than running. I will kill him before I run again. I like it here.
I like my shop.
I've been running so long I have forgotten to live and breathe.
Here I can live.
Here I’m me.
Here I’m not the broken church mouse that he made. Church, that’s it. I need to go back to church. Repent for my sins and the murderous thoughts walking inside my mind.
***
“You know you made an angel cry?” I whisper to the alter that I kneel before. Locking eyes with a god who left me when I needed him the most. My prayers went unheard as I lay bleeding, broken, bent on the floor. Tears streaming down my bloodied and red face. Hands shaking as I pulled them up in front of me to ask the all mighty above to protect me, give me the strength to leave. Save me.
“Please, father in heaven, help me.” Never did he come. “Alone, I was with empty devotions inside my head floating around like the shards of broken bones under my skin.” I whisper, on my knees and hands clasped together.
“I'm getting hotter as the devil breathes deeper. While the ice cold of mortal sins wash though me,lord.Demons and angels on my shoulders. Fire upon my skin as the devil calls darker than the halo of your brightest light.
“Every open door requires closure.I have to try and remember which doors had been opened, which ones have cracks, what lies have been told and what ones I have yet to tell. Ikeep going and going, while I pray soon it will all be over. The highs and lows, lord, it is all getting so damn exhausting. Every option has its cost.Please do not judge me for my faults.
“Through my wins and all my losses, don’t lose your conscience like he did with the way he treated me while I was on my knees screaming for it to be over. He said he would love me - he lied. He said he did not want to hurt me - he lied. He said it would be him and I, that scared me more than the fists, the kicks, the slaps, lord.”
“He broke me while I screamed for you to save me. See, lord, oh father who art in heaven, hallowed be your name,pay attention to your subjects, to your people, lord, because I swore you said you would be our savior. Where were you in my darkest nights and most tormented days?”
“You think repenting all your sins to a lighted candle and a statue will take me from your thoughts Jade? Will he help erase me from your nightmares? Will the father you’re praying to take away the scars I gave you?”
A slight but heavy chill ran down my spine as the hair lifts on the back of my neck. A quiver in the pit of my stomach leapt up to my now raging heart. I’m unsure of where to go. Should I run? Or should I turn and face the demented human that stood behind me?
I press my palms harder together as sweat beads on my forehead and neck. I can feel the racing pulse now inside my ear as my body moves into a hyperventilated state. His cackle sounds out behind me causing me to tremble inside myself. How is he here? This can’t be real, it cannot be? Surely, he won’t try and take me in a church, a place of god, on a Sunday.
Blinking slowly, I try to timestamp the day and the last time his hands were on me to allow my body to determine if this was reality or a post-traumatic stress scenario.
Glancing around at the sound of shuffling, I realize that the church has slowly begun to fill for morning service. The shuffling of footsteps eases me slightly as my eyes fellon the gleamy, evil ones of a man I once thought I loved. His smile placed high on his face as he sat in the front pew with his long, jean clad legs stretched out and folded in front of him. His arms folded over his chest.
“Hello, Jade,” was all he says as bile rose burning the untouched skin inside of me from his pure brutal hate.
A sense of vertigo ignites around me. All I can see is a weak and bleeding woman at my feet, clawing her way up my legs, begging me to save her all while his laughter at my pleading fueled him to hurt me more. Tears well in my eyes and emotional numbness swirls from the top of my pricklingscalpall the way down to my curled toes.
I look from the broken bleeding women I once was to the man who has caused so many broken bones, bruises, bloodied noses and spilt lips all while proclaiming he loved me. But it was my fault. I made him this way. He watches me with a sick smirk placed high on his devilish face. I find my feet, then as he winks at me I start to bolt from the one place I go to seek solace while asking for answers.
“Did you actually fucking think that you could leave me? How the fuck did you think you could leave me?” His bittervoice wraps around me as I flee from the one place that is meant to be sacred and safe. My hands find the heavy wooden doors,thenas theoutside air whips around me, hitting my skin like cold daggers. My flesh burning with fear, a rage filling my belly as my legs shake.
“Whoa, little bird.” I hear 81’s voice. It pulls me from my darkness and into a light as I run down the steps. He’s leaning against his bike, dressed in his jeans, boots and leather cut,which screams safety but dangerous liaison all in one sinful-smelling beast.
