Dropping the bottle, it shatters, and I step over the broken glass. It reminds me of my broken life, the part of me that shattered long ago, shatters all over again as I realize just how hollow I am.
Walking inside I fall onto my bed. It’s slightly dark the light from the main room splinters small rays through the door.
“Laying in my bed now, baby, and I can’t get outta my head just how much I’m a Rockstar. I am a fucking rap devil in ways that would sink you faster than it sunk me. I'm staring at the ceiling and you know what, Tru? I need you to be that Tru with me tell me coz I wanna know if you feel what I'm feeling. If you feel me, want me, need this - us. I have to know if I can fix this or if I walk.” Taking a shattering breath, I hold it. I’m so tired of feeling like a failure and a nobody she should be receiving the flowers today and I hope that will show her that I wanna change for her. Because to be honest right now I’m getting nowhere. “I'm a man of my word, Tru, you know that. I will leave. Just say the word. You tell me to back off and quit this, and I will. I was a closed book but somehow you learned to read me. You told me I should relax, told me you hated the way I would react to shit, the way I carried myself. I knew with you I was a better man.” Gripping at the sheets I clench my fists the crack of my knuckles a welcome feeling to the hurt pulsating through my body.
“I came to you with a broken faith in all things, Jayden. With you I fell further down. I was broken, so broken, that on the surface it was easier to fake being ok. I hid behind saving you and lost so much more thinking that I was good. But you know what? I wasn’t. I relapsed. All I wanted was to call, to talk to you before I hit the ground and lost control, but you weren’t there to guide me and help fix my soul.”
Biting my bottom lip till the flesh pops and blood trickles into my mouth, I scream inside my head all the words I can’t say to her knowing that I am losing all my self-control. She needed me and I was too fucking self-absorbed to even fucking see it.
“My heart, it burns, fuck it burns, my mind it screams.
We're oceans away Jayden. I’ll be asleep by the time you're awake.”
“You tell me to stay, oh but, baby, I am already gone.”
With that the line goes dead. Dropping the phone to the mattress, for the first time in a long time I am afraid. I am alone and I’m afraid. Tears fall freely and I don’t try and stop them. I don’t wanna numb the feeling they bring. I don’t wipe them away, I just curl up on my side looking at her photo on my nightstand and let them fall.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Tru
Waking up to the sun being extra loud inside my bedroom I am still completely out of my mind.
Cracking my eyes open slightly and instantly regretting such an action, I slam them fuckers back shut reaching to pull my blanket over my body to burry myself down into the darkness. My thick ass all season duvet provides padding around its totally not there feeling. The vicinity around me it’s not soft, it’s not feathery and cozy. It’s rough, harsh and hard. Fuck it all. I have to really open my damn eyes. Cracking one I grimace as pain ricochets behind my eyeball around my eye socket and hits the back of my head. I quickly assess the area. It’s the lounge, I am in the lounge on the floor like a homeless hobo. Fuck, Tru. You are really Stella, girlfriend. I reach around seeking anything to drink. Water, water will be the ideal thing to stuff down my throat to wash away the you-have-smoked-20-smokes=and-swallowed-cotton-balls feel. Not a bottle or a glass of water in sight. Cider though, there is some cider. Downing what is left in the can, it’s warm, feral and just sickening, but hey, it wet my mouth. That right now was all that counts. As I make my way, crawling through the mess that is my apartment, to my bed. That is my end game right there. My dark, warm, soft and soul consuming bed, where I can hide under the duvet and be still. So, then my face, head, legs, feet, arms, hands, even my fucking hair can stop hurting and the light will not burn my retina.
Pulling my sore, shaking body up, my legs are like jelly. I wobble and fall forward and sink under the blankets falling down deep into the dark as warmth wraps around me and my mind chills out. The voices calm and the noise dims. We are happy, we are ok, we are safe, and we will survive today. I say as the vortex grips me and I shiver out in relief. This is my happy place, this dark and empty part of my soul where I don’t have to do anything but be me. Alone and cold.
Waking to the constant kicking sound that’s thumping through my whole apartment my brain and my body are like what the actual fuck is that. Dragging the pillow, that for some dick reason feels like it is filled with lead and weighs a tone, over my head I try to block out the constant sound of banging, kicking and thumping.
It continues and gets louder, more persistent and panicked. I almost wish I had neighbors and that the kicking sound was for them at their door and not mine. It’s so mine though. I have no fucking neighbors because I live above the world in a home my granddaddy, my hero, built so he and the love of his life could see each other. Fuck that! Fuck love and fuck all it stands for. You’re a fool, granddaddy, a fool. I say love hurts. It kills your soul and breaks your heart. Flicking my legs over the side of my bed, the banging is still going on like a fucking jackhammer outside. I drag my body on concrete limbs to the door tripping and stumbling on debris scattered all over the place. Bags, shoes, clothes, the couch that has been moved further out and a chair is overturned. My pictures hang lopsided on the wall. The balcony door is open. The wind billowing in. It’s a grey, dark day or is that night setting in? I’m unsure. I have no clue what the time is or what that rank smell is. My apartment looks like I have had a home invasion and I have no reason nor an excuse for that. I do know I want whomever is kicking my damn door to shut the fuck up. I have a killer headache. I am strung the fuck out and I need to go find a dealer fast.
That is at the top of the list of shit needing to be done.
I lift my arm to look through the peep hole. Fuck, scratch the dealer off the list and move that to second place. First is a shower. Hell, Tru. You stink.
Looking through the tiny circle glass peep-hole that is creepy as sinning on a Sunday, I spot the preacher. Fuck me sideways, Father, let me sin with your man of God. Laughing at my own fucked up thoughts I sigh. I can’t open the door. I can’t let him in. Fuck, look at me and this place.
“Blair, please stop kicking the damn door,” I shout over his kicking. My head screams in pain at the harsh tone of my voice. It was complete and utter silence for at least a moment.
“Tru, open this god damn door now,” He spits out, his eyes wild. I stifled a laugh.
“Oh, preacher, you cussed andusedGods name in vain. All in the same breath and sentence. Tisk, tisk. Hell is warm and will be waiting.” I say, laughter rolling from me like a child.
“Don’t even fuck around, Tru. Open and NOW!” This time his eyes bleed anger and fire shoots from his nostrils.
“Ooooo, touched a nerve, did I?” I question him, playing with his mind just like my mind gets played with. Oh, fuck me. Sliding down the door, I have a moment as some of the night or day fuck knows what before hits me. Jayden, he rang me. I talked, well no, I threw a fuck ton of random bullshit. You did this. You made me do this. This is us and tough luck shit at him. God, I hope he’s ok. Shit did I tell him I was high? Scanning back over what I had said it’s all messy and muddy as I try to piece it together. Not finding the answer in my mind, I know the answer is on the other side of the door. Of course, I did coz why else would preacher man be here, know where I live and be kicking the door down. He’s here to what? Check on me? Save me? Repent my sins? Make me whole again? Please, I am a dark devil and I can’t be saved by no one. Not even him, the holy man himself.
“Blair, I’m sick so you can’t come in,” I say, breathing out on jelly like legs, fuck me I feel like shit.
“That’s bullshit, Tru. Let me in.” Blowing out a rather tired, annoyed breath while looking at him through the peep hole. Why does he have to look so good, so put together and in damn control. While I am here looking like death warmed up, with last night’s benzo bender fading all over my tired and insanely shitty looks.
“You want what?” I’m bitchy and I’m over being checked on.
“Did Jayden fucking call you?” Looking through the peep hole so I can see his face. If he lies, I’ll know. He covers the hole with the pad of his finger. Kicking the door hard, in my no shoed foot, I yelp as pain hits the nerves and rolls up my body.
“God damn it!” I cry out. “Just piss off both of you. And Harry too. Tell him on ya way out to quit coming up. I’m fine.”
I rub my toe trying to balance on my one foot.
