Ding…Thank fuck for that…longest two minutes of my LIFE!
-Jayden, sorry. No, she hasn’t, she hasn’t been down for a day or so now. I was worried earlier and went up there and she said she was sick, and she sounded it.
That’s all I needed to know, she’s using, and she’s struggling. She’s so high she can’t leave the house. It’s been years of sobriety that she wouldn’t risk going out looking like a unit with issues. I know just what it’s like to have a hit after a period of not and the pure paranoia and psychosis kick in. Your emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
I have to get to her and fast…FUCK! I am a day behind her and hours and hours on a plane.
Tiny terror is going to have a god damn aneurysm.
I try again to ring her. It rings and rings just as I am about to scream and hang up, she answers.
“Quit with the calls and don’t send Harry up here to check on me either.”
Her voice is weak and slightly slurred.
“Hey, you,” I breath out relived that she’s there talking and not OD’ing in a shower alone.
“Don’t hey you me, Jayden,” she bites out as I hear her shuffling around. Her movements are heavy and labored. Her body is like concrete as the drugs have taken over relaxing the muscles.
“I fell for you when I was high and then I realized that I couldn’t live without you while I was at my weakest.” The honesty in my voice won’t be heard. She has trust issues and will not believe me over the phone. She is now emotionally unavailable.
“Ha, I fell for you while I was laying with you in my arms. You lead me on, and I promised that I would never date a guy like you, but your lies pulled me in and now look. I’m broken. I took a risk and you fucked me royally. I have issues now, Jayden, that came from trusting you. Fall you said. I’ll catch you, you said. You left and didn’t even look back. Before I met you, I was doing just fine. Then you left me. No reply, no call back, no text. Just radio silence. Then it was ghosting, playing phone tag for a bit. Then you did what you do best you fucking tore my heart out and I let you coz the pretty little lies that came out of your mouth beat me. Now, look, I am playing social suicide watching you from far away on the other side of a screen. You didn’t wanna hold my heart but now you wanna hold my hand.”
Holy hell! For a chick who didn’t wanna talk to me, she sure has some shit to say now and I am speechless.
“What the hell can I do? I miss you. I fucked up. I thought they would show you the real me and I thought you would be better off without me. I chose to fuck around with someone new. Play and lose myself. I got burnt because even though I thought it was what was best for you, it turns out is wasn’t. It’s always going to be you that I want.” Lighting a smoke, I suck in a deep breath. The sting of the smoke coating the raw tissue of my throat sends a shudder through me, a reminder you’re not high. You’re sober and you fucking really fucked up.
“I had you on my mind always…..You had me thinking things that I shouldn’t while I sat here and watched you. I tortured myself with you and all you were doing as you danced through my mind. My veins itched and my mind screamed for a release, an escape because you couldn’t even ball up and tell me what the deal was. So, I relapsed because I couldn’t handle it, Jayden.”
“Fuck, Tru, like, babe… I wasn’t thinking. I just don’t even fucking know, babe,” I say to her, my voice cracks over the tears I’m holding back.
“You got me thinking things I never used to, Jayden. Worrying over shit that I shouldn’t. I was playing phone tag with a ghost while my mind ran in and out of each possible scenario, none of which was good let me tell you.”
“You know that I'm not the phone type. I don’t care about social media or what others think of me, yet here I was examining it all. Dissecting it all and piecing it all back together differently.”
I struggle to cope with what she is saying to me. She is out of it so wasted that I could get high through the phone. It makes me sad inside that I did this to her. Her voice slurs and blurs together, yet the manic in me can make out all her words laced with pain and broken with chaos.
“I’d rather be with you, baby, believe me. Right now, in this moment, I’d rather be with you.”
I hold back from saying I miss you.
But I miss you, baby. I fucking miss you. Running my hand over my face.
“I have to admit, on this road I get lonely, so fucking lonely and they, them, the shit it’s always right there. But you, Tru. You, my lady love. You make me smile every time that you called, texted, PMed, and DMed me. I smiled. Even if I was high and a mess, I still smiled. I just didn’t know how to get it back once it had gone too far. I regret it all because you know what, Tru, you let me be myself. You don't control me and inside all this madness it’s what I need and want.”
Dragging my hands through my hair, I need her to hear me past her wasted state.
“I’m not in the position to do that anymore,” her voice is a blurry whisper.
“I got you on my mind, baby, like really on my mind. Can I come home?” I say, leaning my head against the cool glass of the doors leading back into the hotel room.
“Have you finished being a rolling stone, James Dean?” Guilt creeps in over my skin as I shake her comment off. Hitting hard, she knows how to hit low that’s for sure.
“I know that you're hurt. I know I'm to blame. But I'll make it work. I'll make you stay until that day I'm one plane ride away.” My soul is fading. The more I battle with her the more I feel like I’m losing her.
“You once said to me that we were going to be legends, James Dean. Now look at us, your sitting in the dark, clutching an empty bottle of Jack Daniels while I sit alone up high above the sky loaded on pills with a cider and a room full of broken promises and no tomorrow.”
I dipped my head to my hands, she’s right. She’s always fucking right.
