I slice and I dice I cut my coke with hotel room keys and gamble with my life yeah.
So baby hear me now if I die before I wake know I tried to love, I tried to remove the dark thoughts and I tried to be more than the Rockstar you seen the real me baby and I wanted to bury you in roses. I have gambled with both our lives yeah.’
****
Sitting on the floor, dressed just in my grey track pants, my guitar across my chest, I strum out the beat to the song humming the lyrics as they fall freely from my mind. I feel the pain that spills and the realization that I am to blame for this depressed feeling we both are living with. I did this to her. This low feeling, I feel now. I placed that into her world along with my crazy life thrusting her back into a world full of pain. Where pain turns to drugs so we can silence our minds.
I’m feeling low, fuck. I am so low.
Setting up my phone to record I sit back against the wall. I need to let her know that it’s not always been this way, that I know I need to sort my shit out.
Clearing my throat, I pick up my guitar and place it over my chest. It’s my shield when shit gets real. It’s why I always have one on stage. I need to feel safe, centered, like I do belong.
I strum on the cords softly just enough to set the mood for me to pour my heart out to her.
I used to dream of the top, I had always wanted to be that one thing they all needed to fuel my own insecurities. I had nightmares at the bottom, so many nightmares, that I needed something to help deal with them. Music came to me at my lowest and soon morphed into something that made me high in more ways than one.
Till I realized at the bottom, is the top, when forgotten and the top, is the bottom, when you don’t matter no more.
I always wondered if I would find love. Like real love, more than the love I get from them, the music, the drugs. That real love you feel in your toes and the way your body hums at the mere mention of their name.
I had it, didn’t I, and I may have thrown it away. Tell me did you forget about me. I forgot about you while I allowed the top to trick me.
I sit here alone like now in the dark the light the naked moments the shattered and broken hours where I re-read our story over and over its then that I pray I don't fall, like autumn leaves and have the world stand all over smashing and crumbling them into the surface of the world in which I have allowed to fuck me so ironically.
When you feel more like a product than a person, there's a problem
Been feeling so low, I don't want no one to know
I just need something' to cope so I filled my body with something that made the memories stop from playing on repeat.
Leave me alone, told them all for I needed was quiet to kill the last part of me because I told myself that I didn’t need you because I knew deep down that you would leave just like the rest before because it hurts to much too be close to me.
Then I wondered as I sat here alone as I lost my head inside the darkness with my hands inside my pockets Where do they go?
Been here before a lot because that’s what I do, I push away people I love, I hurt them with the words my demons spit out and the way my brain chooses to ignore them I have become the things that I hate but I have allowed myself to drown in the money the way they scream for me to sing and make their lives better help quill the dark voices inside their heads sold myself out to save them at the price of not loving you the way I should.
Just so they never got close to you because I didn’t want them to tarnish you or for you to read the internet, it was safer to ignore you than allow you to see the me that I am around them on the road. I thought I had it all figured out but I didn’t. I fall to the ground and they laughed while I was down. You watched me a world away. We dated I loved I felt I was alive inside your bed wrapped in your sheets with your eyes on me and your fingers tracing my skin. I fall in love with what you told me we could be then shit got real I woke to a new day with you under me and I panicked that you would listen to the whispers and leave me.
I felt at the end of my rope it was raw and felt nice against my skin, so I wrapped it around my neck and pulled tight yet still you watched me, followed answered at two am when I was lost.
I don't think anyone has ever cared for me that way.
Maybe they will when I go when I am not here anymore I will be the legend they pray to that shines inside their homes and the tears rolling down their cheeks but for now I am here and they scream for more it’s always more taking but never giving. I am empty can’t they see my eyes are dead my soul tired.
Maybe they'll talk about me on the internet I know the papers love me. E-Online cast me on the nightly. They never care, only care when they benefit and, at the moment, they are all receiving on my benefit.
Introvert honestly fuck I am out of my element baby I need you to help me pick up the pieces before I lose anymore of me.
Still I'm afraid of becoming irrelevant and this is why I have to be this person. And I pay attention to the ones who don't clap when you win.
If they lie to you once, then they'll do it again
Knew the hurt will come back, I just didn't know when.
And the night of the crash after that OD where they all stood watched and filmed a hoe text you to fake being me that was the nail inside the Jayden built coffin, I thought it was the end.
All it takes is a moment to alter a life.
