The song he sung to me on that last night will now stay as my favourite as it was what would have been the goodbye we needed.
Love is a wicked game and Jayden James wasn’t ready to love he was still a boy living with ghosts rolling around inside of addiction.
I knew this was too good to be true and life got in the way.
***
Jayden
I know I have problems. I have like 99 of them right now and Tru is like 97 of them.
I have fucked up one true and pure thing. She has given up on me. What the fuck happened to us? We were perfect before I left and then I cast her aside for this rock and roll, let’s fuck ‘em and leave ‘em lifestyle. It was hard to stay true when they all party like they are single.
It’s no excuse, I know, but partying till 3am, in a club after a gig, and having all the fucking women you could wish for wanting to suck your dick really fucks with your mind. God damn the lines of coke laced with speed don’t help, nor does the bottles of whiskey and pills. I don’t even like pills as the hangover that comes with a night of pills is horrid. The chalky feeling inside your mouth feels like you are swallowing cotton balls instead of saliva.
I vaguely remember Mike screaming at me, then her sweet voice washing out the anger in his. The voices in my head calm when they hear her. I remember falling and waking up on the floor. A song maybe thrown in and her asking me to remember us… remember what… surely there is still an us. I know I have been a cunt but surely, she hasn’t left me. I love this woman, even though I am a drugged mess and a hurricane inside a world tour. I know I need her, and I know I need to get to her to fix all I have broken.
Me- I’m sorry I was fading last night. We…are we good?
I flick her the text pulling myself from the bed and heading to the shower. I hit play on the sound dock as I walk past it.
MGK, baby. My main man, the guy who is partying with us on stage tonight in Brooklyn, sings out the haunted sound of 53666 sounds around me as I step into the hot stream of water. My head falls to the wall as the water pelts down over my back rolling down my spine. It’s all smoke and fucking mirrors and I am losing my fucking sight inside this haze. This song hits home hard. I spent weeks locked with her away from the world. High above them all in my apartment and hers and now I’m throwing it all away.
Tears fall, twisting with the water and falling down the drain as I sit inside the back of my mind.
“God, if you’re there I need a prayer. I need something to smash away these demons that the world placed inside my soul. I lose more of who I am with each line, each flash of a camera and each news article. I have death in my pocket, God, and bones in my closet. She was a flare in the air leading me back home, but the drugs are in my blood. I can’t even think of leaving this high on the chance that my bad will seep into her good and she will get high on my skeleton,” I whisper out. As the music blurs from one song to another and another my body falls down the wall and I pull my knees up around my body.
“I have death in my pocket and her love in my eyes. Lord help me for fFather I have done more than sinned.”
The water runs cold and I just sit, shaking. I’m thinking and crying, how did I get to this?
A song came to me while I was shivering and scratching at my skin digging my nails into my flesh to feel something other than fear,
‘The way we used to be still walks inside the walls of my mind baby but now you’re gone, gone, gone. I’m slowly killing us it tears me up as I sit under the now cold stream of water from this shower stall. You’re gone, gone, gone and I miss you. I am ripping at my skin trying to escape the high that has become my norm.
I’m gambling with my life as I fuck hoes for nothing, they don’t bring what you did, do. Still your sweet face, your smell brings me back from the edge.
Yet you’re gone, gone, gone,
So, I slice, and I dice. I cut my coke with hotel room keys and I gamble with my life, yeah.
I get high, I fuck with ya mind and create more lies to live with this rock star life. I can’t stop. I can’t stop, the labels need me to sell my soul to the devil so baby even though you stepped I have to stay with a blunt behind my ear as I slice, and dice, I cut my coke with hotel room keys and I gamble with my life yeah.
There are voices in my head yeah telling me to come home but baby can’t you see I’m a fucking rolling stone. All we have is right now all I have is right now for I live inside the bubble of addiction and life on the road.
I am cold baby tell me why am I so cold as exhaustion washes over me yet still baby I slice and I dice yeah I cut my coke with hotel room keys as I gamble with my life yeah you’re gone baby you’re gone, gone, gone.
Dreams are fire a luxury a sinner like me doesn’t have because all we have is right now and I have death in my back pocket. I lost the alter to where I used to pray, replaced that with the devil 3 tours and 4 albums ago.
Tell me my lady love why is it I act so wild when I am alone the second, you’re not by my side I am someone I don’t wanna be yet I behave this way day after day it’s like I’m fucking with me.
So I slice and I dice yeah I cut my coke with hotel room keys yeah I gamble with my life and wake up from my sleep covered in a cold sweat cutting more coke with my room key trying to find a place inside my mind to call home and run into to escape this thing called my life. I gamble with it I am falling, fading I am lost gone baby I thought it was you but now I see it’s me I faded and I am so far gone that I look the devil in the face and say wanna another.
A ghost I am baby wrapped up in wet bed sheets because I still haven’t found a cure for loneliness or a cure for the sickness that comes with being this far gone this high.
I don’t know if I could ever give you the love you need for, I don’t know if I know how to love past my selfish soul. I know when I am up at dawn looking out over the world inside my glass house that I wanna set the world on fire and take this thing higher.
I know your untrusting of me and after all I have done, I don’t blame you I have written this inside a shower stall while the voices inside my head scream to be released as the demon feeds on more than my soul.
