Lynx sets himself up at his drum kit and Nix picks up his bass as I slide my guitar over my shoulder and nod at him. I look back at Lynx and he winks at me. “ONE, TWO, THREE.” Music breaks from our hands, our bodies, flooding the venue with rhythm and noise and everything else disappears when I open my mouth to sing.
I leave it all out there for them to feed upon.
Falling onto the couch in the dressing room backstage, it is full of women. I have no clue why Nix and Lynx, who are twins, date twins. Their high school sweethearts. Yuck, makes me sick.
I have a… well I did have a chick. Me and my dick fucked that up. Checking my phone, I see still nothing from her. Fuck, she’s really playing hard to get, isn’t she. I don’t blame her. I kinda have been a total cunt.
“She would have saved you from you, ya know,” Mike says to me, passing me a fucking bottle of water. I raise my eyebrow at him. “Water?” the question in my tone thick. “Yes, water, Jayden. It’s about time you sorted your shit out.” His tone is full of I am in charge and it pisses me off instantly. I curl my finger at the chick with tits the size of melons to come on over and join me. Picking up a bottle of champagne from the table in front of me my eyes burn into Mikes. “Don’t need a fucking babysitter and I sure as hell don’t need a daddy.” Popping the cork, I pour the drink from the bottle into my mouth. No glass needed here. The pretty average bird joins me, a shy smile on her over made up face. The fake smell of cheap perfume hits me and I feel sick, but she will do for a ride at least.
“I’m going to fuck you till you can’t see straight,” I say to her. Her cheeks burn red hot as she lowers her body down over mine on the couch and Mike looks at me while shaking his head. “You’re fucking unbelievable. She would have followed you anywhere.” His words hurt me. It’s always about Tru. Always falling back to Tru. “Well she didn’t follow me here now, did she?” I spit out, anger slamming into the pit of my stomach.
“No, she didn’t. And I wonder why?” He says as he takes his water and leaves.
Chapter Eighteen
Tru
The absolute helplessness I feel when I look at how destructive he is being. The crash, the drugs, the drinking, the women, all the messages and the phone calls. He’s trying now because I gave up, I stopped the phone calls, the texts, the DM’s and the PM’s. Now he wants it, wants me. I begged, cried, yelled, threatened and played his games and nothing but the moment his world blows up and a woman he was snorting coke off of messages me and now he cares. The moment they plaster my addiction skeletons over the web he cares. Well fuck that shit. He makes me wanna get high, take a handful of pills and play Russian roulette.
I don’t wanna do this to him, but he can’t get high and fucking disappear for weeks and party like its 1999 and he’s single. Yes, he’s fucking Jayden James and yes, he’s rock god royalty. A rap devil as he and the world call him, they chant it over and over. He is this way because they feed him. I watched the live feed of his show tonight and how much they feed off each other. The groupies were chanting, and he was feeding. They were in heaven, laced in a hell that is falling around him. I see just how high they get on each other, the fans and him. The sounds, the lights, the noise, the feeling they describe it as magic. An addictive magic and Jayden James is their dealer. They are just as bad at enabling him to be this fake, drug fused soul who is lonely and broken. He needs love and understanding not drugs, liquor and voices from people who live with just as much paranoia.
My main fear is him overdosing and not coming out of it. He has just done that we all watched it unfold and play out in the media. Not one person helped him or stopped him. Mike stood there. I am just as mad at him as I am at them. A fan, a groupie, whomever filmed the whole thing. He is placing himself into dangerous situations. After the photos he sent me today, after the phone calls and the messages, I rang Mike and he sounded as defeated as I felt. Begging me to fly out. I can’t. That would feed into his illusion that he really is a god and we all are his faithful subjects.
I rack my brain trying to figure out what I can do or say. What the magic phrase is that I can say that will make him stop. But I don’t have anything. He’s chasing something that I can’t give him, that I can’t find, that I don’t know. My addiction and battle was different from his. He’s running from ghosts deeper, louder than mine. He’s chasing something that I can’t see. His battles are just that - his.
I look down at my phone. I was just about to switch it off when Mike’s name flicks over my screen. God what does he want this time? I know the show has ended and Jayden will either be high or drunk. God, both actually and no doubt with a chick on his dick.
Tapping the screen… should I, do I, can I. It runs through my head. Chewing my bottom lip, there is nothing I can do.
“Hey,” I say sounding cold because I am over this merry-go-round that is Jayden and his ridiculous behaviour. How could he destroy something so remarkable in such a small amount of time?
“He’s really good at this fucking shit up, isn’t he?” Mike says into the phone.
“Oh, hello, Mike,” I bite back.
A deep breathe in and he answers “Shit. Sorry. Hi, Tru, it’s just… shit. It’s a mess here.” I can hear the stress in his voice.
“Leave him then,” I say back, my tone cold.
“I actually don’t care right now. It’s sad, but it’s true,” I say in the next breath before he could process it. “He needs to hit rock bottom,” I say again cutting him off.
“He needs us, Tru. He needs you.” His voice cracks and my heart pinches slightly.
“He doesn’t need me, Mike.” Sadness hits the back of my throat.
“He does. And this is why he is being this way. He got caught up in them… all the hype and forgot.” I cut him off again. “Yes, he forgot Mike. He forgot me. He forgot this and that’s on him. They all want him for his fame and what he can give them. I wanted him for the guy I seen in the dark, the alone hours. It’s funny how he could just switch between people and personas so fast. He has given me whiplash and I won’t allow him to kill me anymore. It’s been 8 weeks that he’s been in my life and it’s been the most insane 8 weeks ever. I have loved, cried, laughed, screamed, fallen and flew but I have called, text and begged. It’s only when the going gets bad for him he begins to call me and want me again. He wants the safe, the feeling of comfort I give him. Maybe we need to face it, that the end is here.” Running my hands through my hair as I walk to the window and look out through the mesh curtains, it’s blurred and distorted my view now. That’s how I like it. I see nothing the same anymore. He has taken all of me including the way I see the world.
“Tru, talk to him. Ring him. He will listen. He needs you; he needs your words. He just really needs you. Don’t give up on him. Don’t say it’s over. He’d been so good while he was with you, like the old Jayden again. The Jayden we all loved before the world swallowed him and addiction stole him from more than us, but also himself.”
“Nothing we can say or do will work, Mike,” I say into the phone. “Because we didn’t cause this addiction and we can’t control it.” My words fall between us and he sucks in a deep breath as he knows I am right. “He’s running,” he says to me. “No, Mike. He’s chasing something we can’t see, nor can we help him. With pleasure there is pain, Mike, and he needs to numb it.”
I say to him, “He has shit inside his head that he needs out, but we can’t save him till he’s ready to be saved. I am an addict. Reformed, but still I think like an addict.” I say into the phone “And this dance with him will tip me over the edge back into old habits. Mike, I can already taste it on the tip of my tongue.”
“Tru, I need to save him. I can’t let this guy die on the road with so many demons on his back. This will kill me and his parents.” I can hear the sadness in his voice it cracks over tears he’s trying to hold back.
“God made him see that life isn’t all it seems. When they took his brother… he still screams at his hands at night when the demons take his dreams and replace the happy with the moment where he held his brother. Blood spilling over his hands and seeping into his soul. Jayden died that night and he realized that God was not the story his parents had told. He ran from all he knew and chose this path and it’s killing him.” Tears roll down my cheeks as Mike tells me the story. Heart-breaking and soul crushing the image alone breaks me shattering my soul into pieces.
“I don’t wanna be selfish, Mike, but this has to be the moment where everything changes. I have to draw the line because, believe it or not, I can no longer take it. Last night I held a bottle of pills in my hand and screamed and cried and begged my brain to take them to numb and forget.”
