It’s Tru. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I can. Fuck it! I thought just maybe she would wanna listen, no such luck rocker. You fucked-up this time. Breathing out I leave her a message that has all I can pour into it in my state right now.
Baby, I’m sorry that I seem to like all that is bad for me. Why do we as people, as humans do things that are bad for us?
Say we are done with these things, then we ask for them.
When the sun comes down, that’s when I transform and I think I need to be what they scream at me to be. The big city’s lights confuse me. The women taste too good and the coke and drinking, baby, I can’t seem to see straight. I have the safety off when you’re not here and I’m dangerous like a bullet in a bonfire. I sit here with my head in my hands regretting this. Just like Tetris it’s all falling down around me. I was really going to try this time. You were the exception, baby, and I wanted to re-write my addiction.
Hanging up, I shower and climb back into bed to bury myself in all the shit that I have just caused. Mike’s on my ass and the PR team aren’t fixing the Tru problem. They’re spending all the time, resources and money on my royal drug fuck up last night.
Logging into social media under my fake name and profile I watch as the shit storm unfolds.
Jayden James living too high. Radar online reports with a rather sick looking image of me snorting coke from that same chicks tits and shoulder and ass.
“How can you be so calm about this?” I hear Mike scream.
“Because this is just what we do, fix his fuck-ups,” my PR assistant screams back at him. She may be tiny, but don’t let that fool you.
“Why did the boys even let this happen?” he yelled at her like it’s their responsibility to watch me. I’m spiraling. I know they know, and Mike sees it. “But you were there so why didn’t you stop it!” tiny terror yells back and then there is stomped boots and doors slamming. My eyes fall back to the news sites.
Jayden James having another drug filled bender results in OD in a nightclub while touring. Hollywood Gossip states with an image of me passed out in the VIP area and that said bitch with my phone.
Its laughable what the Daily Gossip reports next.
Jayden needs to find God again before it’s too late. Obviously, the real world is too much for him. But what hurts the most about that is the image of my mother, Father and I dressed in black walking from my brother’s funeral at my parent’s church.
How much can one human take before the damage is unfixable? Someone save him before he loses himself. I don’t think his girlfriend and reformed addict will be stepping up to help him anytime soon. TMZ reports with a photo of me and Tru. Next to it, the women from before this time with her tits in my mouth. Fuck! This is even worse than the last time. This time I can hurt more than myself. Tru has been brought into it and now I have to save her from them. How the fuck did they find out about her past? Not even I know the whole story surrounding that.
“MIKE!!” I scream, my brain shakes inside my head and it nearly blinds me.
“MIKE!!” Again, nothing...
Opening my messages, I text Tru.
Babe…..Please stay inside today and don’t go on social media.
She doesn’t even do social media. Fuck. OMG opening my Instagram I scroll through the sick pictures that graze it. The images that I am tagged in. The women, partying, drugs, drinking, late night bullshit, and off-stage highjacks. Next is my DM’s. Messages upon messages from Tru, all left unanswered bar the one from three am this morning.
My body stills as my heart beats a million miles a minute. Next, I look at my Facebook. Fuck me she has messaged me there too.
If I wasn’t going to hell, I am now. She got social media so she could see me. When I promised her, I wouldn’t forget her, I did it in a matter of weeks. I left her to watch me in a downward spiral over the internet for the world to see.
I knew the moment that I looked into her eyes that loving her would end up saving me. She just didn’t know that loving me would be madness. But to be saved you have to lose it all first, don’t you? Fuck, I’m too sober for this.
I pull my body from the bed and slip into last night’s jeans, a t-shirt and black hoodie. Phone, smokes, lighter, drugs, wallet and hungover as hell shades? Check. All things I need to fuck off and try to forget the shit storm that I have created. I knew I would taint her, break her and yet I chased her. I should have canceled the tour, but the boys needed it more than me and look I’m fucking it for them. We all are battling our own demons and theirs are just as sinister as mine.
Quietly I slip from my room, tiny terror is over by the window her face in her laptop while the lawyer screams at her. My lawyer is a dick. “After the assault we had to clean up and pay for in New Zealand and now this! He bellows at her. Her eyes are scrolling the gossip sites like mine minutes before. “ Mmm-hummm, yeah,” she says blankly and quite dismissively. I like her. I always have. “Are you even listening to me,” he barks as I open the hotel room door.
“Yes, I’m just choosing to not comment,” her voice is snappy, and her finger ends the call as I shut the door.
Driving outta town, my arm out the window, all I can do is think of her. She’s always running through my mind, yet I hurt her.
Why do I do this? Why am I so bad at love, life, being human? Fuck it all. Therefore, this is why I get high. The bag of coke burns a hole in my pocket as the music bounces around me inside this car. MGK Waste Love hits me right between the eyes
I take my hands from the wheel, raise my eyes to the sky and then shut them as I speak to him again for the second time in one day.
Take the wheel Father for I am so haunted. The bible says that you can heal. Where is your healing? They said that time will make it better and will heal but I’m still feeling just like I did the day he died in my arms. Father, I can still feel the sticky warmth of his blood on my hands and I can still see his soul leave his body as you took him home to you. So, Father, tell me what part of this can you heal. I wanna take a gun and hold it to my head and count to three, Father. See if you will save me or deliver me to my brother because I can’t live here without him. I’ve tried and look where it has gotten me. Pain, drugs and breaking her heart.
I whisper out as my car rolls down the road. I feel it drift off the road. The wheel is going its own way and over the center line no doubt. My foot presses down on the gas pedal. I pick up speed as I mouth out to the heavens, ‘Take me, I am ready.’ I feel the change in terrain, it’s bumpy and the sound’s different as things hit the side of the car. I hear a twang of what could be fencing wire snap as I speed through it, then a sudden jolt followed by my body flying forward fast and stopping just as quick with a shattering sound. Extreme, fast burning pain is shooting over my face and down my spine. The sound of windows smashing makes me open my eyes slowly. I watch my car roll and twist, its contents flying around me. My limbs move out in front of my vision all in slow motion. The smell of dirt and grass whips inside as glass falls over me.
