Waiting with bated breath I light a cigarette and watch and wait. It seems like forever for him to reply. The dots dance tormenting me, laughing at me. Keeping me transfixed on my phone screen. Me, Tru, the only human I once knew that hated phones and social media more than anyone. Now look at me. Broken and in need of saving from myself more than anything. Hanging onto social media profiles like they are the lifeline in a dark tunnel.
Play with whatever you want sweetheart for I just fucked this babe on the dark side of the VIP in this gateway to heaven club. Her tits were delish and her ass tight as I sucked her nipple and did lines on her tits.
Are you fucking for real!!!! After all the messages… days… pain… sleepless nights and tears… this… this is what I get! Oh, hell no… how is this the Jayden that left me? I don’t even know the person that is writing such filth to me… he isn’t this. I want the Jayden he was inside these walls… inside my legs sucking on my nipples… without the lines of coke. This world is killing us both as I lie to myself that I could have saved him. He’s going to drown me in his quest to not feel love.
Shaking my head, he has done more than just let me down, he has shown me that I don’t mean a thing inside his fucked-up, Rockstar lifestyle. Shattered by the last piece of him I was holding onto and come tomorrow he will play the victim. Oh, shit not tomorrow when he finally comes down from this epic bender. Well that is if it doesn’t kill him first.
Typing back, I write Enjoy the gateway to hell for I will no longer be there to bring you back. I hope you treat the whores better than you treated me. I thought I was more than that to you. Bout time you grew up isn’t it Jayden? Before you really do some damage. I have now given you up. I hope that you can be set free.
With that I downed my drink and threw my smoke over the side of the glass balcony that kept me safe from them all down there. But it doesn’t save me from my thoughts up here.
Walking back inside I flicked off the lights, tears falling from my eyes staining my cheeks. I fall into bed with his scent still clinging to my pillows, tearing at my heart, and I fall into a painful sleep.
Chapter Seventeen
I know that I'll regret this when I'm sober but it’s hard to even see what sober looks like here in this place. I thought they said that Vegas was the city of sin? I’m starting to think all of America is. I haven’t even touched down I am so high. Tru is going to be 7 fucking hundred shades of pissed at me. I have broken all of the promises. I haven’t even messaged her, what a cunt. I’m fucking peaking that she will hear how high I am even through a text message, so I have done what Jayden does best, avoid and get fucked up baby and tonight is just like last night. Difference is new club, new bitches wanting Rockstar dick and different drugs.
I look at the boys with the women that they have been with since high school on their laps. Those chicks are my boys ride and dies. They keep the boys here on this side of the earth. I want that. Fuck! I had that, and I left it behind for this. Yanking at the bottle blonde to my left I say, “Jack on the rocks. Babes, with ya lips on my cock.” I slur out as my phone vibrates in my pocket. Rolling my hips up to grab my phone as she steps over me, she thinks that I’m baiting her pussy to ride me. Oh sweetheart, I’m not.
The screen lights up with her. She’s laying on my chest asleep. Her hair fanned out around her. She’s happy. We were fucking happy and I’m on a one-way ticket to royally fucking it.
Grabbing a shot glass from the table I fill it with Vodka. I down it hard and fast then fill another, and another, and another till my throat is burning and I relish in the fact that I am feeling something.
Every damn shot though, each and every single one, I'm getting closer to the hell I deserve. Fake bitches sucking on my cock with my fingers linked in their over dyed hair. But this here, rolling the glass in my fingertips, this 80 proof is the only reason that I am with them. Here, living this lie.
I know that I'll regret this in the morning. I will regret this when I finally wake up and when it's over
These drunk and drug filled nights though, are way more fun than the sober ones. I can kill the pain and numb out her face if I take another line of coke, another shot of liquor. The feeling though of fading her out doesn’t stay long for each time I close my eyes all the bitches before look like her.
With every shot, they look like her and with every line I can forget what I have become. But I got this bad bitch trying to throw me her ass while I am trying to read what she sent me. It hurts that I’m so high I can’t even read what she is saying. Sliding my phone back into my pocket I pick up the blond and slap her down over my groin as I take a line from her shoulder.
I hear my mother in the back of my head saying that she’s praying for me and Mike is yelling karma is going to come. He’s always there waiting to pull me from who I am with and back to the hotel room. They all talk and talk. I see their mouths moving but it’s her hips I feel grinding. So, I live by the nanosecond because, baby, life’s short. Enjoy it while you're young
I’ve spent half of what’s in my bank on tonight’s mission to erase her scent from my skin.
It all started with a light glass of fun, a burn on a pipe and I came undone.
Now I'm asking myself as this blonde lays down on her back. "How long could tonight last?"
She had that eehface looking up at me from under her fake lashes. Her ass is tight as I try to slip a finger in. If I had one shot less, then I would have passed. But, fuck me, I am so damn faded, and I got a little too sedated.
I live like MGK. There is no telling where I'll take it, baby, or how high I’ll push it till I OD on the floor of my bathroom. But for right now, for tonight at least, I’ll take her ass up to my room and tell her, "Get naked and be ready to take it in the ass like the good little bitch that you are." Oh, fuck yes, the more that she’s on my mind the more I will regret this when I am sober. My phone vibrates again as I slip her nipple into my mouth, the room staring at the rap devil like he’s a god and they wanna piece. “Free drinks for all you bitches,” I scream out falling back into the seat after I sucked and fingered the nameless chick fixing up her shit next to me. The phone says a message from Tru. That is message number three tonight. I know I have to answer it. She needs me to answer it. I hate that I’m not there and that she’s not here. Maybe if she was, I wouldn’t be this fucked up. She makes me wanna be sober because its more beautiful to love her that way. It’s heightened, more insane than the numbness of a comedown or the edge of an itch to get high.
She tastes so good, does my Tru, that it has me craving her. As I bite my bottom lip, all the naked memories of her flood my mind and my cock rises inside my jeans, the cool zipper pressing against the soft flesh. Fuck, I want her bad. I want to hear her. I need to hear her voice. I can barely see my phone, but I try to dial her. I try to press the little phone button video thing. Failing like the fucktard that I am. I can’t even hold it as my phone slips. I began to fade. I know what’s coming and I try to scream out for help, but I can’t even open my mouth.
My head rolls back my eyes close and all I can do is feel the drugs mix with the liquor and take me away down into the vortex of near overdosing. The music a faint hum inside my head matching the feeling of my heart slowing to a near non beat.
****
Waking up I ache. As I look around, I’m thinking where the fuck am I? My eyes fall to the open window as a breeze floats in carrying a scent that isn’t her. My Tru ran through my dreams as she always does, and I felt the pang of guilt hit me. As I groaned out, I wanted to spit out the bile rising up my throat. Turning in the bed I see used rubbers in the trash can and hoop earrings on my nightstand. ‘Oh, fuck no! Not again,’ I mouth out to myself but its Mike’s voice that answers me. “Fuck, yes. Look at the fuckling state of you, Jayden.” His voice bounces inside my brain shattering the headache into a damn migraine. “Fuck off,” I whisper yell back pulling the pillow over myself. “I had to give you a hit of Narcan last night another near fatal opioid overdose. Oh, and Jayden,” He says walking, I hear the heavy stomps of his feet, “in a club too, I may add, and now it’s all over the fucking internet. And this right here, these bitches you bring back with you, are now texting the girl that loved you more than you loved the drugs. You just lost her. She won’t be coming back after that text. She is torn to pieces. I know so because she won’t even answer my calls.” He is saying what now? Pulling the pillow from my face as said bitch walks inside with a smoke in her long-painted nails and a grin lacing her fake lips like a fucking Cheshire cat, wearing my shirt and nothing much else. “Oh my god, bitch! What the fuck?” I holler as Mike drops my phone down next to me and I read what is said with semi sober eyes. “If she has fucking left me…” I jump from the bed, my fingers snaking around her neck. As her eyes bug out, my blood rages inside my veins, that even I think they will burst. I will just bleed out. It’s one thing for me to ghost her and be a cunt. It’s another for a side piece of dirty ass to message her. “What fucking makes you think that you can use my fucking phone!” I scream squeezing tighter.
“Like who do you think you are? I am Jayden James, you bitch. You’re a nobody and she’s, well, she’s stunning.” My voice trails off as anger and rage ripple like nothing before. I’m about eight different shades of fucked right now.
“She doesn’t get you like we do, baby,” her fucking voice gasps out and causes actual pain to me. Pulling her in real close to my face so she really gets the message, “Bitch, there is no us. No getting me and no knowing me. You’re paid to help elevate the ball bags and boost the ego. That is all. A woman like Tru? She is wife material and, sweetheart, you’re nothing but trailer trash.” Dropping her skanky ass down on the floor I step over her. “Mike! PR fix it team now,” I scream as I head to the bathroom with the world’s worst hangover and the effects of the opiate overdose and Narcan.
Little ‘miss just fucked-it-up-a-lot’, cussed me out and stormed off. "Alright then," she says, thinking that she will be back when tomorrow comes. Like fuck you will. Maybe another from the long line of girls that wanna taste of the rap devil’s dick. But today… oh today is fucking fix it day.
Turning on the shower I look at myself in the mirror. Look at me thinking I’m so fucking rock and roll. All rap devil, but really? I am just a joke. Taking the phone with shaking hands she wanted to save me, and I choked. With semi-sober eyes I dial her number. Spiting into the drain as bile rises again, I watch it circle the drain and all I wanna do is join it. It rings, and rings. Rings and rings. Then picks up. My heart stops.
