I know he landed. I am sitting here wrapped in his dressing gown that smells like him eating from a tub of Goody, Goody Gum Drops ice cream. Watching his Insta story that he’s posting like a mad man. I am eating my feelings away. I can’t help but torture myself with watching this. I have texted, rang, PM’d on Facebook. I have DM’d on Insta. He has seen the PM’s and the DM’s. I can see the little icon of him and I am wrapped in the sheets on his bed that we took on the last night we were together.
Running my fingers over the image as tears roll down my cheeks the dark engulfs me, and I allow it to take me away deep down into the one place that makes it all go away. Makes me know that the difference is this time it’s not drugs that have taken me there. Nope, this time it’s a boy. The one thing I didn’t wanna have happen other than a relapse.
Chapter Sixteen
My life rolled into one blur of watching Jayden from afar. Following him and the band online, in the papers, in magazines to listening to new stations and interviews that he was doing. He sounds so high each time and whenever he is asked a question about us and why I’m not on tour he answers, “You know. Life and stuff.” Then moves on quickly and I just fall apart. I am unsure how much a human body can break before it’s unrepairable. I feel like I’m getting there I have scars on scars. Mike continues to call me. Jayden has also a few times, but he’s been so high that I haven’t been able to get much from him, just a mumbled mess of words and a few hurtful statements like “I’ve been fucking hoes,Tru, and none of them have your eyes.” That hurts but not as much as, “These pills take you from my mind as the whiskey fills my veins. I’m a fucking Rockstar, baby. I want you to be the one on my dick.” He is a mess of addiction and persona. How long can he stay alive trying to be this person that he’s not. Isn’t it disgusting how the media and the world can turn you into something you’re not. He is stronger than this I know it and Mike says it when he messages or rings me. “Jayden is stronger when you’re around. Come and save him.” But, you see, I can’t save something when it will take me in the process. I’m not that strong. They were doing quite all right up till when he meets me, so why do I have to be the one doing that saving.
I knew that he couldn’t stick around. I knew that he couldn’t get sober. But the lie was good at the time because fuck me his kiss tasted so good making it hard to leave. It took him going on tour that I got to breathe but breathing without him really isn’t what I had envisioned either.
Isn’t it a shit feeling when your heart wants something that your mind knows is toxic and bad. I fell for the broken in that man and his eyes drowned me. The only other thing that has made me feel like he does was drugs. I don’t want to go back to that either, but god damn this man and his online antics make it so easy to just want to numb it all away. Not even work helps. That was my go-to, my escape and now I can barely even handle going there. Each guy I see, serve or watch holds Jayden’s face. Each laugh smile or husky tone has me stilling and my mind running through all of the feelings that this one man evoked in me. How much I wish I hadn’t allowed him to seep into my soul.
He did though, and all the work that I had done was now blown into shreds, floating on the wind of his destruction like tiny shattered pieces of promises and my soul.
Fuck him and his good looks. His killer words he said made me drop my walls and fall. Now, though, I wasn’t the only one falling for him. No, there were others. The difference is they were falling on his cock and I, well, I fell for the him he showed behind closed doors.
Sitting up high in the suite my grandfather built so he could flirt with his lady love high above the eyes of the world, it hits me, I did the same thing. But it was Jayden who chased me. I thought I was more than just his good time girl, but it seems it all was a drunken pill popping, coke snorting blur. He wasn’t sober at all with me. He claimed to be once and claimed that he would love me through it all.
Just like my grandad and his love, we were safe up here inside the walls of our suites. This was our place. This was where we, like them, really seen all of each other. The way we mapped each other’s bodies and hearts we fell in love with each other’s soul. Just like grandad’s love, though fame was what drew her away. The taste of their unhealthy love and the hungry desire to be what the media and the world craved, a hot mess.
It’s the truth and they both were and are so blind to it. Falling into the vortex of what a society wants and begs for and they fall right into the trap. It’s a PR’s nightmare and a celebrity news site’s golden ticket.
All I really wish for now as I watch him on stage, a live stream from New York, is for him to have stayed so I could have just loved him inside these walls. This place here with me we were good. We were us. I was so scared with him and he showed me that the walls I built so high he could climb and that he could get inside and see beneath what he called beautiful scars. And all my addictions and nightmares that he could kiss them away, touch them and they all crumble into a grey dust.
I asked him to not hurt me, but he is now inside the walls of his own demons. The nightmares and taunts too much for him, so he has to do this. Be what they scream at him to be.
I see beneath it all though. I see the boy screaming for help, screaming to be saved, held and loved. So why does it hurt so much? Why does me knowing what we shared in the dark time hours sting like I was an intruder in the walls of his heart? That those girls out there that throw themselves at him are more important than me, than what we did?
I am far from perfect but together we could have been perfect. Two broken souls mending on the wind of addiction.
Texting him again…
Hey, you, remember to not play roulette. Remember that I love you.
Nothing… messenger I message him there next.
Hey baby I can still feel your breathe all over me. When I close my eyes I wanna lose control and forget about it all but I wanna do it with you. Please come home.
I watch the box waiting for him to see my message. This is what I love about Facebook and Instagram, you can see when they have opened the message.
Dropping the phone on the couch I walk to the kitchen grabbing a Black Doris Plum Cider from the fridge, cracking it open and pouring it over ice. I replaced one addiction for another. I stopped the pills and lines and swapped them out after rehab for alcohol. Then I met Jayden and picked smoking back up. So now I drink and smoke because Jayden James is fucking with my mind and crushing my soul.
Picking up my phone, while swirling cider laced ice around my mouth, there is still nothing, even though he has seen it. The bubble chat head that is us, me and him, in my bed. My head on his chest. My sleeping body blind to the torment that was to come.
New message, this time to Instagram.
So tonight, I may just test the limits shall we test the limits together or is this all a riding solo mish? Let’s mix drugs with idle hands while eyes that aren’t ours investigate another’s. Shall we ravish while others feast on their fruits or shall I fall back down on my knees and beg for you? Let’s take the safety off for a minute.
Cause my love's a bullet with your name written on it.
Just load it and spin it. Russian Roulette is a game I wanna play. Game on Jayden, baby. Time to lose myself. Let’s video call and fuck each other while we are worlds apart.
Taking my pity party for one outside I scream up at the moon. When did I become this person? Where is the person that I know? I was her mere weeks ago, now I seem to be dangling above reason with a death wish for the toxic that seeps inside me from the lips of a man who see’s nothing past his coked-up cock.
Glancing at the phone in my hand the screen the only light out here lighting up this small space. Falling backwards onto the outside furniture the overstuffed cushions take my body, wrapping it inside a cocoon that is like a marshmallow.
He has seen my message my heart flips then dips and plummets. Damn, this is painful.
Then the bubbles start. The three tiny dots blinking across the screen in a sign that he is replying.
