People are telling me to cut you loose, throw you away. Leave you to the mercy of the bars, the dark alleys where I continually find you on your knees, bottle in hand, lipstick smeared. To walk away once and for all, but Ari baby, I don’t know what would hurt the most.
The pain of remembering you, or the pain of forgetting you. The pain of trying to rip you from my DNA. I’m not sure if I could withstand remembering all the love we had and knowing we would never have it again.
I could never forget our first kiss, when you started my heart beating for the first time. We’re only human and we need to accept each other’s faults, but I would give anything to have one more day with my Ari. The woman I fell in love with. The woman who loved to smile, to sing.
One more day to have you wrapped in my arms, sober.
“What are you day dreaming about, soldier?”
The delicate voice of Gracie-May hits me like a tidal wave, pulling me from my thoughts. My body hums in response to her appearance.
I pushed the notebook under the sheet, out of sight and hurriedly wrapped the others in the black fabric. Reaching over, I placed them into the open drawer of my bedside cupboard. The sudden movement hurt like a sonofabitch, hot searing pain ripped through me.
When I glanced up, Gracie-May’s eyes were lowered, her long lashes were fanned out across her cheeks. Her hands were filled with files, medical supplies and a vase of flowers.
“You were away with the fairies.”
I watched her move around the room, dropping the file at the foot of my bed and the supplies on an across bed table which sits under the tv hanging from the wall.
“What's the saddest thing you've ever felt, Ari?”
She cleared her throat, her eyes burned into mine and her hand rested on my arm.
“Being called Ari, when that’s not who I am.”
Heat burned me as dread set in and tears welled in her eyes.
“Fuck no, what am I doing? I'm so sorry Gracie-May, I didn’t mean to…” My voice trailed off as my fingers curled and dug into my palms, sending a surge of welcome pain.
“It’s okay, Kaden.” Her voice was tender, but laced with a slight twinge of pain.
I won’t lie, it hurt seeing her upset. I didn’t mean to use her to remember Ari, but I saw so much of my wife in Gracie.
“What's the saddest thing you have ever felt?” Gracie turned the question around on me as she pulled the sheet back and started to rub cream into the exposed skin of my feet.
She applied cream to my entire body three times a day, and it was one of the most fucking erotic actions I had felt. Her touch was mind-altering and heavenly.
“Losing someone I never really had a hold of and hurting you.”
Her fingers rolled over my calves causing my body to quiver.
“This is where the healing begins. Here. Now. You were so broken when you came in, I’m going to fix you. Put you back together.”
A smile pinched at her lips and my heart lurched at the promise in her words.
“I’m scared. Loving her was the greatest thing that ever happened to me and now she’s gone. I feel this thing between us, Gracie, but I’m afraid if I let the walls down, you will see just how broken I am and run from me. I’m not sure I could deal with it.”
She stopped rubbing, locked her eyes with mine and pulled an object from her pocket. The moment I saw the cover, I knew it was one of my notebooks. Rage rose in me as she stepped around the side of the bed and lowered herself beside me. She was so close, her scent wafted up my nose.
“What hurts the most is knowing someone you love is lost. It’s painful, the most painful emotion you will ever feel. But, Kaden, living with regrets will poison you against life. So, ask yourself if the pain you have suffered is worth throwing your life away, or if you open yourself up to loving again, will it be what will save you?”
Confusion washed over me. My body sparked with a need to take her in my arms, kiss the lips which had just spoken with so much emotion and knowledge.
My body felt stiff as I pulled myself upright. I cupped her face between my palms. “What happened to make you so wise? You’re beautiful, a shining light in the dark. I woke up to the sound of your voice and I'm lulled back to sleep with the same melodic sound.”
Not waiting for her to answer, I pulled her down into me. My lips caressed hers softly and I watched as her eyes fluttered shut. Her lips parted, as did mine, our breath danced between us. My body was on fire, I felt her coming alive under my touch.
“I want to feel something good, it’s been so long.” The soft whisper floated between us as she spoke.
