He was right, as much as I wanted to deny it, there was something between me and Gracie-May. Every time I saw her my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest
“I just don’t know if I could handle having my heart ripped out of my chest again, Bro.” My voice sounded weak with grief. “The pain made me wanna blow my brains out.”
“I know, brother. I feel ya and I've seen the damage the grief caused. Not only to yourself, but to everyone around you. To anyone who even dared breathe the wrong way around you.”
His voice was low but full of inuendo. He knew me so well, better than myself at times.
He picked up his duffle bag and slung in over his shoulder. His eyes locked on mine before he leaned forward, gripped my shoulder and dropped something heavy into my lap.
“Re-read these and find a way to kill the loneliness, brother. Let Gracie-May in. Let her be your savior. You can’t exactly go home with her so there’ll be no expectations in that department.” He cracked a smile at me, the bastard.
“Ha! Not at the moment anyway.” A wave of laughter sat in the air between us. “You make a joke out of everything, Brad.”
“You know it, get your ass better and fast. I need you to stay home from war and train me some soldiers so they aren’t scared of their own fucking shadows.”
Before I could say anything more, he left my room and I heard wolf whistling as he headed down the hallway. Their giggling filtered through to my room, Brad was lucky he didn’t get thumped by one of them.
My eyes dropped to my lap as I undid the fabric binding of the parcel he’d dropped there. My fucking heart skipped a beat, cracked wide open and a piece lodged in my throat. My eyes skimmed over the pile of notebooks which held my thoughts, my secrets, everything that haunted me. It was all there between these pages.
I knew my best mate would have read them all, it was how Brad was. He always needed to be in the know, it’s how he was able to help the way he did.
Being left alone, the feeling of desertion came down heavy on my shoulders. Ari was no longer here on earth, somehow, I had to accept it. Iraq was half a world away and my best mate had left to return home. The feelings of detachment seeped into my bones.
I had spent years separating myself from feelings, giving in to the inner battles which were defining my life. I had perfected the art of desensitizing myself and now here I was – alone and unable to move without anyone’s help.
I thought about Gracie-May, the beautiful woman she was. A woman whose genuine care for me had me feeling more than I had for the past two years. She was not only alluring, but staggeringly fascinating. I relied on her in so many ways and over the past couple of weeks, she hadn’t failed me. She’d been there for me during one of the toughest times of my life.
I rolled her name over my lips, Gracie-May – it suited her perfectly.
I couldn’t wait to get the casts removed so I could begin rehab and get back on my feet, get the hell out of the place. I felt vulnerable having to be so reliant and I felt the woman did have the ability to get behind my walls as Brad had warned. I couldn’t go there again.
Ari dying would always sit high on the threshold of spine-chilling horror which my mind and soul had been forced to endure, but this situation was different. The pain was horrendous and reminded me that I was no longer strong. I was no longer the beast they groomed me to be. I am no longer the machine I worked so hard to become.
It was nauseating. I felt weak, breakable, vulnerable. I was human and I knew now, my body could be penetrated by memories and guilt.
I’d trained, run miles, lifted weights and I’d conditioned my mind to be ruthless and relentless. I was in control. Until Ari burst into my life and fucked everything up.
Memories kept invading every waking moment. They were waging war with my psyche, trying hard to bring me down and they were close to succeeding.
I peered out at the blue sky dotted with white, fluffy clouds. I felt despair at not being in control. A memory leapt into my mind, my heart clenched…..
For three days I searched, but she was nowhere to be found. Three days without any sign of her. I knew she was out of control when she left. I checked at every hotel I knew she had frequented.
Maybe this was it, maybe this time she’d finally found an escape and I’ll be left walking in circles. My mind spinning with guilt, worry and desire for her.
She’s so far into the alcohol, she hasn’t seen my pain. She can’t see this isn’t a game, there’s no winners, only losers.
Where could she be? What has she done? Desperation grips me. The searching continues, will it ever end? Will the disease which grips my wife’s soul ever release her?
There were times she was gone for days on end, drinking in back alley bars, being sucked into the vortex of the seedy part of town.
My father said Ari’s drinking was my karma for choosing love over the strict regimen of the force. I hated him. My body shook as anger flushed through my veins at the mere thought of him and his ghastly ways.
The last notebook I’d written in was the first I picked up. I read back over the pages of memories. I clung to them like life lines. Like they were the sanity my mind craved, they reinforced the reality that what I’d written down had actually happened. Ari had turned me from a man deeply in love to a man on a road of pure destruction. A man even war had failed to take out.
October 2014 2am
Every bone in my body tells me I will soon need to bury you.
