***
Today I sit here in misery, wishing I could have been the man you needed me to be. It’s tearing me to pieces because now there is someone new.
She sees me the way you did – strong, but really, I’m broken.
You’re gone and she's here. She needs a man who can love without fear. I loved you and the dark took you away, I couldn't save you even though God knows I tried. Days and nights, I tried to chase your demons from you. I know now, I didn’t lose the fight to save you. I never bowed out when the road became long and bumpy or the dark became dense.
How many times did I pick you up from the floor with pills in your mouth and liquor in your veins?
When I found you wandering in the fields at night, I held you and didn’t let go. I pulled you back with promises of a better tomorrow. I kept you close even and battled the empty walls of my mind while you slipped further away from me.
I need to find a way to live with the footsteps of you inside my mind. I couldn't save you and it haunts me, taunts me, calls me to join you.
In Gracie-May I see you reflected. She has so much of you in her – her walk, the way she speaks, a deep sadness. I know she isn’t you, but in her, I see the woman I loved to death – you, Ari.
Is this a second chance at love? I’m terrified, Ari, I sometimes wonder if I loved you too much and it killed us both. Can I open my heart to another woman?
***
He’d loved Ari with so much of him, he gave up who he was to save her, to find her, to keep her.
I saw a part of his soul in the lines of those pages. A part I had not seen before. My face became wet with silent tears, his world was blacker than I had ever imagined. My lungs struggled for breath against my ribs. I looked up from the page, sweeping the tears away as they fell. He was so beautiful, so raw, so real. My heart cried for him as my fingers caressed the hot flesh of his forearm. He held so many stories, so many nightmares within. His skin wore the lines and marks, scars and dents. All told a story, all held a piece of his life. Moments forever traced into his flesh.
Pain is etched on his face as his chest rises and falls. Haunting him. Sucking him into the beast’s vortex, he aches to be set free. I could see it all so clearly, how much he missed her and today of all days, he fought for me.
My world spun out of control, so many emotions roared through me as I watched Kaden sleep. He was restless, the nightmares knocked on his door. He was fighting to do so much more than just recover.
I slipped my fingers into his sweating hand and linked us together, hoping to bring a sense of calm to his raging mind.
Closing my eyes, I allowed the loneliness I always have walking beside me to creep in and seep through my bones. I was always so lonely, unless I was here. Tonight, as much as I want to fall into him and feel his skin on mine as he wraps me in a feeling of love, the loneliness was winning out over other emotions raging inside me. I was almost above the surface and wished it was shallow, but it’s getting deeper with each breath.
He loved her, I felt it as I read his notes. The way he talks about her bleeds into the pages, his love attempting to win out over the dark pain. How could I ever compete?
I loved Ben that way once. Loved him so much that sometimes I felt it was my love which killed him like Kaden thought his killed Ari. Difference was, Ben was still here killing us both with rage and drinking. Yet I struggled to let go. I woke up each day hoping today would be different, that my Ben, the man I fell in love with would be back and the Ben I didn’t know would be gone forever. But it wasn’t to be, he’d been gone for years now and it was over. I knew in my heart it was over.
I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. I have tried so hard to love him, to get past his disease, but I can’t do it anymore. I hated the me I was when I was with Ben, scared and broken. The Gracie I am here at the hospital is strong and happy. Then there is the Gracie I am with Kaden, a whole new me I never knew was there. I felt desired.
“Your thinking is kinda really loud there, babe.” His sleepy tone pulled me from my thoughts. “Man, I can’t sleep with the war you’re waging inside that beautiful head of yours.”
I blinked and Kaden sucked in a breath as my eyelids fluttered open to be met by his stormy grey ones. He took my breath away. As I smiled down at him, his hand reached to touch my face. I leaned into his touch so he didn’t strain his already hurt shoulder.
“What’s going on inside there, baby? What’s worrying you?” His index finger tapped against my temple gently.
“It’s painful and frightening to be reminded that no one cares nor loves me the way you loved her.”
My hand flew to my mouth, slapping the words back. I couldn’t believe I uttered them out loud. The look on his face told me I had.
“Fear and love need each other to survive, babe. There will always be traces of her inside me, in my heart and my mind. But you? You bring me to my knees. You have changed my world, so if you’re ready and willing to be swept up by the storm within me, hang on. My mind hasn’t been the same since I met you but you need to find a way to love the fireball which is me.”
I shook my head, his words slicing through the walls I’d spent years erecting. I had spent so long locked away with war raging inside me, I’d forgotten to open my eyes to see what was around me.
“Look at me Gracie-May.’ His tone was assertive, sensing my unease.
“We’re two tormented souls fighting our inner demons to be stronger than their taunts. We can win these battles together.”
Tears slid down my face, his thumb wiped them away.
“Don’t let him hold you captive, babe. Don’t give him that kind of power over you.” He pulled me forward, into him. His fingers linked behind my neck.
