CHAPTER FIVE
GRACIE-MAY
Kaden was asleep by the time I returned to him. Sweat beaded on his brow, pain etched his face. What he did today - hindering his recovery to save me, no one had ever done anything like that. He’s crazy and he’s beautiful. His hair is stuck to the side of his face, neck wet with sweat.
Padding quietly over to the side of the bed, I bent forward, my lips brushed his forehead before I dropped my sore and aching body into the armchair nearby. I wrapped myself in the blanket which was laid over the arm. My eye caught sight of his notebook laying open on the floor, the pen nowhere to be seen. The book must have fallen when he pulled his broken body from the bed and dragged it out to save me, to make sure we were all okay. I wondered why no one had seen it and picked it up.
I reached for the book and before I closed it, the date caught my eye.
Today.
April the 25th2018.
I'm torn to pieces, Ari - lost and so broken. My empty heart is struggling to beat in this place where reality hurts more than the nightmares which tear at my mind. How can I bury my past? I don’t want to forget, I need not to have everything remind me of you. How do I move forward with someone new when you are always on my mind?
Everything about Gracie-May brings you back to life. The way she moves, the way her hair falls in waves down her back, the silky touch of her hands on my rough skin.
How can I go forward without the brutal punishment of war licking at my body? How can I live without consuming my every hour with training my soul for the battle of death? How do I free myself from the chaos of what happened to you?
We had so many dreams, baby, but they faded to black in front of us. Killed with each drink you swallowed and every pill bottle you found.
Your face haunts me - your smile, your laugh still so clearly in my mind., I remember how you felt under me, your scent. I still scream inside my head - why?
When I close my eyes and see you lying before me, blood pooling from your wrists. The bright life within is gone from your face, the peach colour of your skin turns to a pale shade of white.
I had danced this very dance with you so many times before and each time I had brought you back. But this time I was too late, you had drifted away to a place I couldn’t reach.
Was it because I wasn’t good enough? Time passing hasn’t helped, I’m still so damn shattered that it scares me, reminds me I’m human. I am constantly slapped with the cold realisation that you're not coming back.
You're not coming back....
I’m looking out at the sky from a hospital room, one I put myself in. Caused by a death wish, a wish to be back with you. I have spent all my time searching for the end on pain filled battlefields. Where my hands have inflicted pain on others, I sought death, knowing it would take me back to you. Because baby, I have needed you so badly, needed to hold you in my arms again.
I float through the walls of my mind, memories of us slapping me in the face at every turn. I'm having trouble breathing today, baby. The screaming inside my head is loud. You should be with me today.
It's our wedding day…..
The day we first met…..
The day we had our first kiss…..
The day that we built so many memories…
It was also the day you chose to leave me…..
The day you chose to kill all that I was, taking the light from my eyes and replacing it with a dull hate…..
The day was April 25th
I wasn’t ready to lose your touch.
I wasn’t ready, baby, for it to hurt this much.
I could feel you slipping away.
I watched you fall further from me and still I loved you.
In the end, I paid the price and now I own the scars
