Her hands falter. “Test?”
“I ordered the drink,” I admit. “I sat there with it in front of me and… I don’t know.”
“You didn’t do it.”
I shake my head.
“Then why are you upset? Be proud.I’mproud,” she says. “Areyou proud?”
I nod, swallowing. “It just…feels weird.”
“I think it’s supposed to for a bit, no?”
“Maybe. I didn’t want to but there was a part of me that needed to. It was a fight against myself,” I murmur.
“And you won,” Lana whispers, kissing my temple. “The part of yourself that needed to win, won.”
“Yeah.”
“Christian?”
I sniffle, wrinkling my nose around, and look up at her through my blurry vision. Her thumbs sweep across under my eyes, and when I blink, she catches the tears before they can fall. “I’m fine,” I say. “I’m okay. I’m just going to…go to bed.”
She gives me a pointed look. “Christian.”
“I promise, I’m fine,” I lie. “Go to bed. Sleep. You work in the morning.”
“I don’t care,” she whispers.
“I do. Go ahead, I’ll be fine,” I tell her, knowing damn well I need her beyond comprehension right now. “It’s okay, I’m okay.”
“I don’t believe you,” Lana frowns.
The corner of my mouth quirks. “Believe me, okay? I’m just tired.”
Her mouth opens like she is about to speak but I don’t let her. I surprise her by standing and say, “Go back to bed.” I kiss her forehead. “I’m okay.”
“But—”
I kiss her head again then walk around her toward the bathroom across the guest room. I turn on the shower and let the room steam as I strip out of my clothes, feeling my arms and legs grow weaker with each movement.
As if somehow my body is weaker for not drinking. As if ordering the drink alone had a crippling effect in my progress, including my bodily functions.
You didn’t drink it,I tell myself.You didn’t drink it.
Naked, I step under the hot spray and wash the shame off my skin. I shouldn’t have ordered it.
You didn’t drink it. You didn’t drink it.
I didn’t drink it, and I have room to be proud of that. But now, today, I only feel…empty about it. Like sitting in the bar and ordering was crossing the line. I passed my test but for what? At what cost?
I wanted to drink it—I really did. Maybe if I drank it I could have learned to live with a few sips. Maybe I would have learned self control. But maybe if I drank it, I wouldn’t be able to live without sips ever again. Either way, I’d lose myself and I’d lose her.Again.That is a loss I can’t afford.
After my hot shower, I put on my underwear, pajama pants, and t-shirt with shaky hands. I’m still trying to control my breathing when I step out of the bathroom, trying not to cry again.
I was so close to breaking tonight. To lose everything I worked for. The more I think about it…
I pace the guest room for a bit, and by the time minute three passes, I know I won’t settle down. I can’t be alone tonight. I need her and to tell her I was fine was a mistake. She knew that, but would she be angry with me if I went to her now?
