“Can I ask you something?”
She nods, her thumb wiping beneath my eyes.
“When did you know you loved me?”
Lana smiles. “The first time you took me to the carnival, I knew for sure. You gave me your hotdog when mine fell. And when I told you it was fine and you didn’t listen. You wiped the mustard off your hot dog and found ketchup to put on it. Then you gave it to me.”
“You hate mustard.” I smile.
“I do,” she whispers. “But you put ketchup on the hot dog and made sure I ate it.”
“You were starving, Lana. I could hear your stomach.”
She chuckles softly. “That’s when I knew I was in love with you. And that’s when I knew I wasalwaysgoing to be.”
“I’m sorry I stopped being like that.”
“You were always like that, and now, you’re even better,” Lana tells me. “You’ve always been kind and caring, and the most loving person I’ve ever met. You’ve always wiped mustard off hotdogs for me, Christian. And it’s impossible not to love you for it.”
“I’ll keep wiping off mustard for you for the rest of my life.”
She huffs a quiet laugh. “You think you’re damaged, baby, but you aren’t, not even a little bit. Addiction is a disease. And it doesn’t mean you’re damaged or broken or a horrible person. It just means you need a bit of extra care, love, and help.”
“I’m alittlebit damaged?—”
“Not to me,” Lana says. “Not to me.”
“You love me again,” I breathe, a smile curving my lips.
She shakes her head, her thumbs sweeping up my cheekbones. “Not again.Still.I still love you, Christian.”
“Did… Did you ever try not to?”
I note her hesitation and sadness by the way her shoulders drop. “Come sleep with me upstairs.”
I shake my head, sighing heavily.Damn it.“Not yet.”
“Why are you doing this?” Lana asks softly. “Come upstairs with me, baby. Sleep with me every night.”
“I can’t,” I say vaguely. “Not yet.”
“There’s something you aren’t telling me.”
I dip my chin.
“I can’t force you to tell me things you aren’t ready to talk about,” she says. “But I want you to know that whatever it is, it won’t change anything. So whatever you are holding onto that is making you feel…ashamed about yourself,Iwon’t be ashamed of you. You’ve stayed by my side at my worst, Christian. Who would I be if I did not do the same?”
“You’ve done the same, baby,” I say. “You’ve… You’ve done more than you should have.”
“I did it because I love you. And I’d do it again.For you.”
There have been days where I felt as though I could die. And I’d be okay with it. I was unimportant and insignificant to the world, so I wouldn’t have been missed. But Lana? She makes me want to fight to see new days, every day. She gives being alive a new meaning.
Tell her.
“Lana, baby,” I sigh. “I…Before… When I was…”
“It’s okay,” Lana breathes gently, lowering her face to hover her lips over mine. “Not tonight. Come to bed.”
