“Please. Go.”
Leaving Dee goes against my every protective instinct, but staying and pushing for answers when she’s about to fall apart would make me an insensitive bastard. I take solace in knowing her friends are here and do as she asks.
But it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I WATCH MICK GO. AND the ache feels as real and punishing as it did fifteen years before. I long to call him back; to lean on those broad shoulders and unburden myself of my secrets. But I couldn’t then and it’s too late now.
When I hear the door softly close behind him, feeling the weight of the past crushing my chest, I lower my face and sob into my hands. I don’t even notice my friends enter the room until I feel the cushions on either side of me sink and I’m circled in their arms.
When my crying jag eventually stops, Lexie gets me some Kleenex to sop up the tears. “Sorry, I’m such a mess,” I say.
“Please.” Jordyn waves away my apology. “That exchange with Mick was superintense.”
“How much did you hear?” I sniffle, wiping my eyes and nose.
“Most of it. We left the door open in case you needed us,” Lexie explains.
“Oh.” I’m sort of embarrassed to have had an audience, but I’m also relieved not to have to replay the entire conversation for my friends.
“Wanna tell us about it?” Jordyn asks, tucking her feet under her hips.
I think about what I learned in therapy.If you avoid talking about the problem that’s eating you, you’ll eat to avoid the problem.But retreating is my go-to response. My safety zone. “There’s nothing more to tell than what you heard.”
“We heard what was said, Dee. Not how you feel.”
I blow out a breath and slump back against the pillows. “I feel like crap, Jord. How else am I supposed to feel about abandoning my family without ever looking back?”
“You were eighteen, Dee, and heartbroken.”
“I was selfish and thoughtless. Papa T died without me being there…without me ever telling him how sorry I am.”
“You can’t do anything about that,” Lexie says gently. “But Mama T is still alive, and Mick gave you a bridge back to her and your foster sisters.”
A bridge I can’t cross without revealing why I left. And I’m not ready to do that. I may never be.
“I was all set to hate the man,” Jordyn grumbles. “But then he apologizes and tells you how much you still mean to your foster family. I’m not the romantic kind and you know I think, once a dog, always a dog. But holy shit, Dee, it’s hard to hold onto that principle when a guy’s pouring out his heart. Mick is still totally in love with you, girl.”
“He’s not in love with me, Jord.” I reject that outright, not letting my head go where my heart could all too easily take me.
“Then why would he be harboring anger for fifteen years?”
“I hurt the family he loves. The only reason he was here today apologizing is because Mick wears his guilt like a coat of shame. He worries about letting down anyone he cares about. He feels indebted to Cayo Torres. You heard him say Papa T would have had his ass for the way he spoke to me.”
“That’s not the only reason Mick was here,” Jordyn argues. “Do you honestly think Mick would confess his deepest emotions unless he still had strong feelings for you?”
“We both were grieving for Papa T, and that bonded us for that moment.”
“Then what about Mick telling you that he’s never stopped wanting you?”
“That’s sexual, Jord.”
“Mick can get sex anywhere.”
How well I know. “He betrayed me and broke me into a million pieces. It’s been fifteen years and I still haven’t completely put myself back together. I don’t want to fight with Mick anymore—it’s exhausting. But neither can I ever trust him again.”
“I know he betrayed you,” Lexie says. “But why won’t you tell him what you saw? Hear what he has to say about it?”
“To what end?” I rebut. “He’ll either lie or offer excuses. Either way, it won’t make a difference.” Not when the damage is irreparable.
