“Your being there was what mattered.”
I shake my head. “No, it wasn’t enough. After all he’d given me, the only thing he ever asked me for I couldn’t give to him.”
“What was that?”
“To stop fighting and accept what was. He said he’d had a happy, fulfilling life and needed me to make peace with this. But I didn’t know how. I was selfish…only thinking about what I wanted. He died in March, knowing that I’d let him down.”
“You didn’t let him down,” she says softly, her words a light caress to my heavy heart. “Papa T wanted you to make peace with his dying for yourself, not for him.”
The roles have somehow gotten reversed. I started off with every intention of comforting her, and somehow Dee has ended up comforting me. I didn’t make a conscious choice to bare my soul, but she’s always had that truth-serum effect on me. Talking to her just feels right. And yet I know she’s hurting too. I long to pull her into my arms and soothe us both. But I doubt she’d let me. Instead, our eyes lock in mutual grief.
“I’m so sorry you lost him, Mick.”
“I’m sorry you lost him, too, Dee.”
Tears trickle down her cheeks. I have to bunch my hands to keep from wiping them away. But I have one more thing that needs to be said. “Over the years, Cayo kept telling me that life was a precious gift and that I was wasting mine. I took it to mean basketball. But after this week, I think even more than that, he meant the anger I was harboring toward you.”
I watch surprise, even confusion, flicker across her beautiful face as if what I’m saying doesn’t make sense. “I’m tired of being angry, Dee. I don’t want to fight with you anymore.”
“I don’t want to fight anymore either,” she says. “I’m sorry for hitting you. That was terrible.”
I take a chance and reach for her. She stiffens but doesn’t pull away. I slide my hands up her jaw to cradle her face, absorbing the softness of her skin and the dampness of her tears. “My words hurt you a lot more than your slap hurt me. You accused me of seducing you, and I’d like to explain that.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Yes, I do.” My hands move into her hair, my fingers sifting through the curls. “I did set out to seduce you. Partly for my ego. But mainly because I thought it was the only way I could get you out of my system.”
“Mick—”
“Let me finish, Dee. A coldhearted seduction was what I planned. What a joke. I couldn’t pull it off. Once I started kissing you and touching you, I wasn’t thinking about my ego or about the conquest. I was only thinking about how sweet you still tasted…and how incredible you still felt.”
She shivers and her breaths hit my face like warm puffs of cotton.
“I was the one who got seduced, Dee. I still want you. I’ve never stopped.” I kiss her. Not with the urgent hunger of last night. This is a soft joining of lips, a slow dance of tongues and quiet sighs.
Then her fingers grasp my wrists. Squeezing. Gently at first. Then not so gently. It takes my addled brain a moment longer than it should to register that this isn’t an encouraging touch. It’s a signal for me to stop.
“I can’t, Mick,” she whispers, pulling back. “I can’t do this with you. Not again.”
The alarm in her voice has me looking into her eyes, and I’m jolted to the core by the haunting pain I see behind the tears.
“Dee?” I flounder to understand as she attempts to free herself from my hold. Because she’s shaking, I drop my hands.
“I’d…I’d like you to leave now.”
Leave? I thought we landed in a good place, the anger behind us. That kiss wasn’t one-sided. She was with me until…until what?
“Dee, talk to me.” I force my voice to stay level in spite of my confusion and rising concern.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she says and wraps her arms around her waist as if she were holding herself together.
“How can you say that when you’re looking at me as though I’ve broken your heart?”
She hugs herself tighter, the tears trickling into the corners of her mouth. “Does it have to do with the reason you left?” I ask, desperate to put the pieces together.
“If you ever had any regard for me at all, Mick, you’ll just go.”
“Dee. Don’t ask me to do that.”
