I shifted closer to him on the couch and put one arm over the back, holding my head in my hand. The other free hand pulled the string on his hoodie.
My mind raced with questions, doubts tangling with desire as I came to the realization that I wanted River in ways I couldn’t fully comprehend.
“I wish I knew what to say, but this is as new to me as it is to you.”
“You know, this isn’t the first time we kissed.”
It was my turn for my jaw to hit the ground.
River chuckled, and I looked at him. “Should I be hurt you don’t remember?” he asked, and I couldn’t tell if his smile was covering up hurt feelings.
I shook my head. “No, I remember it. I guess I haven’t thought about it in a long time.”
“You wanted to kiss the girl from English class you were dating, and you didn’t want to mess it up, so you asked me to kiss you for practice.”
I’d asked him for help with the kiss. My embarrassment was only slightly less than the mortification of kissing a girl and being bad at it. My dumb fourteen-year-old self hadn’t enjoyed the kiss because I’d been too preoccupied with the technicalities.
As it was, while no catastrophes happened when I kissed the girl, I’d also been disappointed at the nonevent. I couldn’t even remember the girl’s name now.
River put his hand on my chin and tilted my head so our eyes met.
“Is this some kind of experiment? Something to get back at Victoria with? Fuck, I hate that my head is going there, but, Adam, I’ve been your best friend since we were kids. You’ve never indicated that you have any interest in guys—until now.”
I lowered my gaze to his hoodie, tracing the pattern of our college logo with my eyes.
“Honestly? I don’t know when it started. Maybe it was a combination of lots of little moments between us. Maybe I’m traumatized from being jilted on my wedding day.” I let out a choked laugh, and River held my hand. “I just know that for a few weeks, all I can think about is you. At first, I thought it was because I was relieved that we could finally spend time together without me having to justify it to Victoria or be sneaky about it, but…”
Fear stopped me. Fear of losing River or, worse, hurting him with my uncertainty. Could I even call it a bi-awakening when it was only River who stirred these feelings in me? Was it fair to explore this part of myself at the risk of his heart and our friendship?
“Figuring out your sexuality takes time,” he said. “Even when you feel strongly about someone, it’s okay to step back to ensure those feelings come from the right place.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I just…can’t stop thinking about you. I must have been really blind before to not notice the curve of your ass or the way you bite your plump lip when you’re trying to figure something out or how strong and put-together you always look.”
“Adam,” he said, exasperation tinged with lust.
I drew in a shuddering breath. The intensity of our kiss lingered on my lips like a phantom sensation. I needed more of it even as my rational side begged for caution.
“River, I—” My voice cracked.
“Shh.” River’s fingertips brushed my cheek. “We don’t have to figure this out right now.”
Except I felt the weight of urgency, the need to protect what we had even as I stood on the precipice of wanting more.
My hand trembled in his. “I—God, I’m sorry, River,” I stammered.
“Sorry for what?” River asked, his voice barely above a whisper. We were seated on the edge of the couch, our knees touching and our hands still linked.
“Do you regret it?” he asked, and I didn’t miss the vulnerability in his voice.
I placed my hands on either side of his face. “No,” I breathed out without hesitation. “I don’t. Since that night at Haven—dancing, laughing, the way the lights made your eyes shine… I was blind to it at the time, but now I can tell that’s when it started. I haven’t been able to shake you from my thoughts, River.”
“But you were going to marry Victoria? What if she hadn’t left?”
“I don’t know. That morning, before you came into my room, I planned to marry her. Would these feelings have surfaced in the future and put my marriage on the line? I don’t know. There’s not much point in focusing on the what-ifs now.”
“It’s a lot to process.”
“I know.”
