He sat next to me on the single bed and put his hand on my shoulder.
"How are you holding up?"
I shook my head because I was afraid of what I might say if I tried to form words to explain how I was feeling.
"Is he gone for good?"
"Yes."
David put his arms around me and pulled me into a hug.
"I was stupid and selfish," I said.
"No, you weren't. He's so easy to be around, isn't he?"
I nodded into his chest. That was exactly it; Vítor had such a calming presence. He'd made it so easy to forget everything else when it was just us.
"I think you should go after him."
"He doesn't want anything to do with me. He said as much."
"He may be hurt, but he cares for you. I've seen you together over the last two months."
I was going to interrupt, but David put his hand over my mouth.
"If you're going to say what I think you are, then you can shut it. You were as good for him as he was for you. Let's take that show downstairs home so you can have a good night's sleep before you go get your man tomorrow."
Tomorrow ended up being the weekend because the fundraiser had been such a success that in the last two days, I'd only managed to go home to shower and put my head down for a few hours.
The truth was, the longer I put off going to Porto, the less likely it would be that I'd do it, and I knew it. Afonso called me on it and I tried to use him as an excuse, but he called me on that, too.
My little brother, who wasn't so little anymore, told me I didn't have to worry about him because he was going to spend the weekend hanging out with Bruno. They'd become friends after meeting at the center, and Afonso often took the train to Caparica on his own to see Bruno. If that wasn't proof that he was doing well, I wasn't sure what would be, and I was so damned proud of him.
My hands felt cold and clammy the whole drive to Porto. I'd left early enough so I could see Vítor and still be able to drive back the same day if I had to.
Managing my expectations was my only way to somehow protect myself from what could happen. I had to be prepared to knock on a door that would remain closed.
My first stop was at the cemetery. There was a fresh bunch of daisies on Rodrigo's grave, so I placed the bunch I'd brought with me next to it and sat on the grass.
Unlike the last time I was here, I didn't talk. I didn't know what to say to Rodrigo. I'd promised him that I'd tell Vítor the truth, but I'd failed to do that, so the only thing I could do was apologize. I also asked him to keep an eye on Vítor. That had been another broken promise from my part.
It took me a good thirty minutes to build myself up for ringing the bell at Vítor's house. When there was no answer, I went back to my parked car and waited. I had a clear view of the gate so I'd see when Vítor arrived.
An hour later, a car approached the gate. Vítor came out of the passenger side and went around to the driver. He said something and then the driver came out of the car. The guy was a statue, tall and built; if he were made of marble, he'd be in a museum.
My heart dropped when they embraced and then the big guy put his hands on Vítor's face and placed a small kiss on his lips. They exchanged a few more words and then the guy got in his car and drove off, leaving Vítor to go through the smaller gate into the property.
The kiss hadn't been a lover's kiss, which made it worse because now I knew there was someone in Vítor's life that could give him the comfort he hadn't been able to get from me in that moment when he was face-to-face with his brother for the first time in years.
The guy looked to be closer in age to Vítor, and from a few photos Vítor had shared of Rodrigo, this guy was a similar build. Maybe this was the person Vítor needed to be with. Someone he was close to who would never hurt him in the same way I did.
I was numb as I made my drive back to Lisbon, and my only good thoughts were that Vítor wasn't alone and I had my brother with me now.
By walking away now, I'd be keeping my promise to Rodrigo that Vítor wouldn't be alone.
I'd just have to keep reminding myself that all I'd ever wanted was my brother back. Nothing else.
As tears ran from my eyes, I knew this was just another lie, except this time, I was lying to myself.
