"She wasn't a man."
"No, she wasn't. Afterward, I think we both felt embarrassed but relieved. Also happy that we'd been each other's firsts."
"Did she know you're gay?"
"Yes, I'd told her when we were eighteen. Of course, I'd also told her I was still going to marry her."
Tiago laughed. "What did she say?"
"She said that if by the time we were both twenty-five if we hadn't found anyone, she would marry me. That day at the beach was the last happy day I remember from my old life."
"What do you mean?"
"I turned twenty-one a month later. I guess what happened at the beach got to me and I felt this need to explore my sexuality. Pride bar had been in the news as the new place for the gay community in Lisbon. I was curious and went there on my birthday." I let out a choked laugh as I remembered the moment I'd been approached by another guy. I hadn't been able to string two sentences together. Now I was sure that had been part of my appeal to him.
"My first kiss ever with a guy was caught by someone who knew my father. To this day, I still don't know who it is, not that it matters."
"What happened?"
"My father was waiting for me when I got home. I'd been on such a high from my experience that I didn't even find it strange that my dad was awake in the middle of the night. He took me out into the back garden and beat me with one of the wood planks he was saving to cut up for the fireplace. At some point, I must have blacked out because the next time I woke up, I was in the hospital.
"He was sitting next to the hospital bed. The look in his eyes scared me like nothing else had in my life. When the nurse came to see me, she mentioned something about the attackers, and I realized he'd lied to them. He'd said he found me on the street and that I'd been attacked.
"When she was gone, he turned to me and gave me a choice. He said he'd rather have a dead son than a gay one, but he drew the line at killing me himself.
"He told me to think about my mom, my brother, and his wife and baby, and then he was gone. I'd been so badly injured I'd had to stay in hospital for a few days. All the time I was hoping my brother would come to see me. He'd been my protector, my big brother who was always there for me. When he didn't come, I left the hospital. I never went back and haven't seen anyone for nearly thirty years."
Remembering the past churned back all the hurt. If it wasn't for Tiago's weight on me keeping me grounded, I was sure I'd be retching in the bathroom already. I felt wetness on my hands and realized Tiago was crying silent tears.
I turned him to me and held him tight. "Don't cry for me. It's all in the past, and I've had a happy life since. I wouldn't have met Dri otherwise, and I can't imagine what my life would have been like without him."
"When did you draw the picture?"
"Dri asked me to draw a good memory from my old life so I wouldn't forget where I came from and the people I loved."
"Vítor?"
"Yes, baby?"
"Will you come to bed with me?"
"Absolutely."
