“I would very much like that, but your recovery is more important than anything else.” I feel a quick sting of rejection and start to pull away, but he holds on tight. “I’m not saying no, but I think your focus needs to be on that for now. That’s more important than anything else if we want to have a relationship because I don’t come on my own. I’m a two-for-one package, so you need to decide if you want Spencer in your life, because I am about to become his main parent, and he will always and forever come first for me. Like Riku said, the addiction trigger might be situational, but I can’t start a relationship with you until you have it under control. My son can’t have the unpredictability of an addict in his life.”
My shoulders relax again as I mull over his words. He makes a good point, and I admire how he’s putting Spencer first. That’s all I ever wanted my mom to do for me and Jax. “Don’t worry about me. I am fully aware how much Spencer means to you, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.” His arms drop, and I step away from him. There’s a worried crease between his eyes.
“So we’re good?” he asks.
“Yeah, we are.” My eyes drift away, looking for the last person I need to apologize to. Ash is nowhere to be seen, but I’m sure I saw him when I first came out. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the curtains across the balcony flutter and smell a hint of cigarette smoke.
“Give me a moment,” I tell everyone else in the room, and, twisting the ring on my finger, I head outside to speak to Ash, the one I probably hurt the most. What was supposed to start out as something fun, the two of us playing a part to fool his evil grandmother, turned into something just a little more serious. Alex did warn me he was very easy to fall for.
Pushing aside the curtains, I step outside into an overcast, slightly damp California day. Everything on the balcony is damp, and Ash is leaning against the wall farther down beneath the overhang so he doesn’t get wet in the slight drizzle that seems to be falling.
I make my way to him, and I know he’s seen me by the way his whole body gets tense, but he doesn’t look at me. He just continues to puff away on his cigarette, the bright orange end of it glowing with every puff. Sliding in next to him, I bump my hip against his.
“Hi,” I say to him, looking out over the LA skyline.
He grunts his greeting but doesn’t stop smoking, and I grin.
“Oh so elegant for an English lord,” I tease, and he shrugs. “Look, Ash, I’m so sorry. I fucked everything up, and I hope you can forgive me.”
He huffs and drops his cigarette, violently stomping it out with his foot before whirling around to face me. “You didn’t fuck up. This is all my fault. Please don’t hate me and please don’t make Edie pay for my mistakes.” He sounds desperate as he steps in front of me, grabbing my biceps. “Please. If I had known how much you hated appearing in public, I never would have asked you to do this. If I had known that you were using to get through it all, I would have backed off. I thought it was a hit here or there for fun. I’m so sorry, Jacinta. Will you ever forgive me?”
“Oh, Ash.” I reach up and cup his cheek with my hand. “None of this is on you. I’m a big girl, an adult, and I made these decisions. Nobody forced me to do it. I hate to admit it, but my ego got involved. When you asked me to help you, it felt good. Like for once I wasn’t a burden and I was able to help. Same with when Cole asked me to help my family. Finally, I could make a contribution to them, to the people who loved me unconditionally and looked after me when my mother threw us away like old junk. So, no, you are not to blame. How can I blame you when all you were trying to do is keep your sister safe? I will continue to help you do that. I’ll have Cole draw up a press release announcing our engagement and how thrilled the Summers are that you will be joining our party, then we’ll work together to find a way to get your sister away from that dragon. I promise.” He sinks to his knees, a sob bursting from his mouth, and rests his head against my stomach.
“Thank you. God, thank you.” He hugs me tightly around my waist, and I run my hands through his hair before pulling him to his feet.
“You may need to be patient with me. Apparently, I have a problem, and I need to get that sorted, so public appearances are out for now.”
“Whatever you need, I’m all in.” We’re quiet for a moment as I stare into his beautiful brown eyes, and I take a deep breath. I swore from now on I wouldn’t hide from what I needed or wanted, so I need to ask.
“Is this still pretend? Or are we… something?” I ask him, and for the first time, he loses that haunted look. A wry smile lifts his lips.
His hands slip from my own, and he rests them on my waist as he shuffles a little closer. “I don’t know, are we? Do you want us to be?” he asks in a slightly teasing manner, but I know him well enough now. He defaults to light and playful when he doesn’t want to risk being hurt.
“Look, I know that I will never be enough for you, that your interest lies in both sexes, and I would never want to begrudge you that, but that is a conversation you need to have with other people. If this is something you are truly interested in, then you need to be monogamous within our circle.”
Ash snorts and throws his head back in laughter. “Babe, that time in the closet was the first time I tried to get laid in a good six months. You shouldn’t believe everything you read,” he scolds, and I feel my cheeks turn pink.
“Touché.” I give him that one, and his laughter stops.
“But seriously, what I feel for you is something I haven’t felt in a long time, not since Alex, and I really am interested in seeing where this takes us. I will need to have a conversation with the other three, mostly to clear the air. I have no designs on Alex. I am happy for him, and he deserves what he has with Shane and Jace. I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
I raise an eyebrow, and his smile turns sheepish.
“I mean, if they invited me to join them, I wouldn’t say no. Have you seen the three of them?”
It’s my turn to giggle now. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
He raises his eyebrows in surprise. “So the three of you haven’t…” He leaves it hanging, and I shake my head.
“No, not yet. I mean, there was that time in New Orleans with Shane and Alex in the tomb, but not all three yet.”
“Oh, you dirty bird, I want to hearallabout that.”
“Okay, so we’re good? I don’t know what the plan is yet, but whatever happens, I want you to be included, and we’ll figure out a solution for Edie. I promise.”
He leans in and gives me a gentle kiss, the first we’ve exchanged that feels genuine. This isn’t for show. It’s sweet and romantic, a promise of things to come, but with no pressure, which I appreciate.
“Let’s go back inside. And make sure you speak to the others. I want full transparency between us all now.”
