And just like that, everything comes crashing down on me in full force. Without warning, a sob escapes me and my knees give out. Blue and I collapse onto the floor in a heap, her arms still wrapped tightly around me as she holds on for dear life. I roughly fist her sweatshirt in my hands as I let out a scream, the tears pouring down my face with no sign of stopping.
It seems like an hour has passed before Blue gets me off the ground and back onto the couch. She refuses to let me go, one arm around my shoulders and the other holding my hand.
Blue is my lifeline, my best friend, and now the only person I have left besides my daughter.
Oh, god,I think, my eyes closing tightly as a fresh round of tears surface.What am I going to tell Claire?
“I’m very sorry for your loss, Ms. Reyes,” the officer says softly, breaking the silence and putting a brief pause on the mess that is running through my head. “I’m going to leave you my card for whenever you’re ready to come to the station and collect their things. We’re also going to need you to come down to the coroner’s office and identify their bodies.”
“Are you kidding me?” Blue snaps as I close my eyes tightly, covering my face with my hands as more tears escape and a sob shudders through me. She rubs small circles on my back before running her hand down my hair. “You couldn’t have waited and told me that on your way out the door?”
I can hear the police officer sigh, but I refuse to look up as I try my best to hide my tears. “My condolences. You call if you need anything, okay?”
I hear footsteps retreating followed by the front door closing. Blue wraps both arms around me and brings my face to her chest, hugging me tightly as sobs tear through me once more.
I don’t know how long I cry in my friend’s arms before I fall asleep, but the sleep doesn’t last long as images of Neve and my father flash through my mind at an unbelievably painful speed. My eyes shoot open as I abruptly sit up, startling Blue out of her own slumber. I had fallen asleep with my head in her lap.
“Can’t sleep?” She asks softly, a hand resting on my thigh as I let my elbows rest on my knees and bury my hands into my knotted hair.
“What am I going to do?” I choke out in a painful whisper. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do.”
I can feel Blue staring at the side of my face before she sighs gently. “You cry. You scream and you spend a few days mourning. Take the time you need until you’re ready to tell Claire. I’ll take her in the meantime. I’ll call Kirstin and let her know what’s going on. And then you be the mother you’ve always been.”
“I can’t—” a sob forces itself out of me. “I can’t tell her, I can’t, Blue. How am I supposed to look my little girl in the eye and tell her the two most important people to her are gone? How am I supposed to destroy her entire world?”
“Hey,” Blue says sharply, tearing my hands away from my face and forcing me to look at her. “Don’t. Don’t you dare do thatto yourself. Is it going to be hell for a while? Absolutely. Is this going to crush her? Without a doubt. But she is going to realize the same way that you are that you both have a shit ton of family left. You both have so many people that love you, and we will not hesitate to step in picking up what Neve and your father left behind. You and Claire have a lot of world left, and we won’t let you go through this alone.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
A THURSDAY IN APRIL
The funeral went the way I expected it would; at least, I think it did. If I’m being honest with myself, I wasn’t mentally present for any of it. Blue did most of the legwork, getting everyone where they needed to go so I could focus solely on Claire.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, to say the least. Telling her what had happened was one of the worst experiences in my life. It was three days after I received the news that I finally sat her down. She cried for a few hours before she could ask some questions, most of which I answered as honestly as I could. And then I pulled her out of school for the next few days and took her upstate.
Everyone told me to take her away for a few days to help the grieving process, that being in the apartment with a room across from Neve’s might be too hard for her initially. So, that’s what I did.
We rented a cute little Airbnb and spent the first night watching movies. A mother-daughter spa day, a trip to the zoo, a visit to the movie theater, and several walks around the local parks occupied the next few days.
She was still having a difficult time crying when she thought of them or saw Neve’s things around the apartment. But each day she was slowly coming back into herself.
I wish I could say the same for myself.
Since the accident, it feels like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Every day is like wading through mud, just trying to be a semblance of myself for my daughter’s sake. But I know she can see just how much I’m struggling, and that is harder for me than anything else.
I’m supposed to be strong for her. Be her rock so she can come to terms with losing them and learn how to cope and understand the things she’s feeling. It is my job to be the one helping her—and I can’t help but feel like I’m letting her down.
One night I was out on the couch, unable to sleep, and was holding a pillow to my chest as I cried. I thought I was being quiet, but Claire had come out of her room and climbed into my lap, hugging me as I sobbed.
It was in that moment I felt like I had failed. She shouldn’t have been consoling me. But I was also so grateful to have a daughter as loving as her in that moment of grief.
I’m still standing at their burial site when Blue walks up behind me, putting a hand on my shoulder to notify me of her presence.
“Everyone is ready to head out,” she tells me gently, but my eyes never leave the slabs of rock at my feet—the placeholders until their headstones are completed. “I was thinking we could all go grab some lunch, keep you and Claire company.”
I glance behind me at that, looking at the few of my friends who had come for me. RJ missed a game so he could be here, and JJ had put someone else in charge of coordinating her next fashion show. Unfortunately, Cole couldn’t make it, but I never got around to asking why.
JJ and Blue have been alternating who stays at the apartment with us, helping me with Claire so I can have the time I need to grieve. They keep telling me it doesn’t make me a terrible mother to need help during such a difficult time, but it still nags at me. No matter how grateful I am for their love and support.
