"It is a problem. Because I don't trust myself. I never have. And I'm so sorry, Victoria. I'm sorry you fell in love with someone like me—someone so damaged. I'm sorry I let you get close to me. I should never have done it. I never meant to do it."
"But it happened," Victoria said. "Don't apologize now. Look at what we have, James. Look at what we could have together. We have feelings for one another—it truly is that simple."
"It isn't simple at all." James sighed. "I care about you enough to feel that you deserve the very best, Victoria. I don't want you to be stuck with someone who isn't good for you."
"And you don't think I should be able to decide for myself what's good for me?"
"What would you decide? Could you truly bring yourself to choose me, knowing all that you know?"
"James, truly, the only thing holding me back is how hard you tried to push me away," she said. "I put my trust in you. That wasn't easy for me to do, but I did it because you meant so much to me. You as good as rejected me. You see that, don't you?"
"I won't do it again," he said. "Even though I doubt my suitability for you, I will never push you away again."
"I believe you," she said quietly. "I'm sure I'm a fool, but I do believe you. Even after everything you've done. I wish I could turn you away, but I can't."
"You wish you could?" It crushed his heart to hear her say that. "I'll go if you think that's what's best. I'll leave you alone. But you'll have to order me away."
She shook her head. "The fact of the matter is that I love you," she said. "And it frightens me—but the thought of being without you now frightens me even more, and it isn't what I want."
"Then I'll stay with you," James pledged. "I'll stay with you as long as you'll have me, Victoria. That's a promise."
Victoria smiled at him, and her smile warmed him from the inside out. In that moment, he would have given her anything at all. He would have moved heaven and Earth if it had meant making her smile like that one more time.
And he knew what he needed to do.
He rose from his chair. Victoria's eyebrows furrowed and she started to rise as well.
"No," he said quickly. "Stay in your seat, Victoria, please." She'd had such an awful shock, and he worried for her health—but also, as he sank to one knee, he was very close to her. Their faces were nearly on a level with one another. He took her hands in his.
"James," she said softly, uncertainly.
"Listen to me," he said. "Let me speak."
She nodded, eyes wide.
"I have fallen in love with you," he told her. "You mean everything in the world to me, and I'll do whatever it takes to show you how important you are to me. I'll do whatever I must to make you see how loved and safe you are here—I will dedicate the rest of my life to that goal if you'll allow me to."
Her eyes filled with tears.
James could only hope they were tears of happiness—but he couldn't stop what he had begun. He had to push on. He had to ask her this question while he had the courage.
"Victoria," he said, his voice thick with emotion, "will you marry me?"
She let out a laugh through her tears. "I can't believe this is happening," she said. "I'm supposed to be getting married right now, and instead?—"
"Instead you're being proposed to," he said.
"The third proposal of my life. The only one I've actually wanted," she said.
His heart soared at her words. She had made it clear that she wanted him, and yet, even now, it was hard to shake off his doubt. "Are you saying yes?"
"Of course I am," she said. "Of course it's yes, James. You make me happier than anyone ever has before."
"I don't think I've done a very good job of making you happy," he countered.
"We've had our ups and downs," she agreed. "But when things are good between us, James, it's more than I ever dreamed of. And I don't think anyone could possibly make me feel as dismal and sad as you have at times if I didn't feel passionately for them. It's true that there has been unhappiness between the two of us. But to me, that only proves what I already know—that our feelings for one another are strong and difficult to overcome. You have an incredibly powerful effect on me, for good or for ill."
"It will be for good," he promised her. "I will always use my influence over your feelings for good if you become my wife. And I hope you know that your influence over my feelings is just as strong. It's what frightened me most about you, the more I got to know you—the discovery that you could make me feel things. I wasn't at all ready for that. It's an intimidating realization when you've gone your whole life not allowing yourself to need anyone. I thought I could resist the way I felt about you—but I can't. In the end, I suppose there was never any chance of it."
