His friend was right, and he knew it. In the aftermath of that kiss, it was simply impossible to go on denying it.
And that was terrible.
It was awful to think that he had allowed himself to be changed, that he had actually opened up to another person. He had never meant for such a thing to happen. To trust people was unsafe. The only way to protect yourself was to remain isolated and self-reliant—his upbringing had taught him that.
If it was true that he had somehow stumbled into feelings for Victoria, there was only one thing to be done. He had to distance himself from her, as quickly as he possibly could.
Perhaps allowing her to marry someone else was the best way to do that. Perhaps Lord Harbury would be his saving grace.
He rose from the table.
"I should get home," he said, hearing how stiff his voice sounded. "Thank you for the company, William."
"Oh, James, don't be that way. Stay and we'll talk about it."
But James was already on his way out the door.
CHAPTER 32
"Where have you been all day?" Victoria asked. She had been looking forward to spending the day with James, hopeful that their kiss yesterday would serve as a doorway opening to something else—something more. He had as good as confessed to having feelings for her. Surely they were going to talk about that, even if he had walked away after he had kissed her. He had needed time to process what had happened, that was all. She could understand that. She had needed the same thing herself.
"I was at the gentlemen's club," he said. "I went for a drink."
"Oh," she said. "I would have thought you would have told me, that's all."
"You never tell me when you're going out."
"That isn't true and you know it. I've done a much better job lately at communicating with you. And you made it abundantlyclear that for me to go out without telling you where I would be was unacceptable—so why is it all right for you to do the same thing?"
"The rules are different for the two of us," James said. "I can go to the gentlemen's club without your permission, Victoria."
"But it would certainly becordialof you to let me know that you weren't going to be in the house," Victoria said. "I mean, that would be the kind thing to do. If you were interested in showing me kindness, that is."
"Don't say such things. You know I've been more than kind. I've allowed you to go on living in this house. I've provided for you. You've had two years here on your own to live the life you saw fit. I have been very generous with you, and you know that."
Victoria sighed. "I don't want to argue," she said. She wasn't even sure how the argument had begun. "I can't pretend that I wouldn't prefer to be told when you're going out, but you're right, of course. You don't have to tell me anything. It's just that I wish you would."
"You won't have to worry about it for long," James said. "Soon enough, you'll be married."
Victoria's stomach dropped.
This was not what she had expected. She had assumed, now that they had shared a kiss, that at the very least there wouldbe a conversation about what it meant for their future. She had assumed that thingsmight, at least, have changed thanks to what had happened between them.
"You still mean for me to marry?" she asked him.
"Of course," he said. "You need a husband, Victoria. That hasn't changed."
"But…" She trailed off. She couldn't bring herself to tell him what had been on her mind. She couldn't admit to it. He would find it laughable, she thought. He would think she was a fool for having believed such a thing was possible, and she couldn't bear to have him mock her.
"A gentleman will be arriving tomorrow to propose to you," James said.
She couldn't have been any more shocked if he had told her that the sun was coming down from the sky. "What? What gentleman?"
"You know him. Lord Harbury. The two of you got along well, so I'm sure it won't be any problem for you."
"You told me that you would allow me to choose my own husband," she reminded him. "You said that I could make the choice. That was the agreement."
"I haven't broken that agreement," he said. "I'm merely telling you that you are going to receive a proposal tomorrow, that's all."
