"You would've said no," James said simply.
"I would have said no because no was the true answer," Victoria replied. "You should have asked me. Now you've wasted money on something unnecessary."
"I'm capable of deciding whether or not it's necessary," James told her. "If I had wanted your input I would've asked you."
"I thought the nature of our new agreement was that you were going to take my input under advisement."
James folded his arms across his chest. "Advise me then," he said his voice stern. "You're saying you don't want the gown?"
"I'm saying…" Victoria threw her arms up and collapsed into a chair. Suddenly, the fight seemed impossible. "I don't know what I'm saying."
"If you truly don't like it, you don't have to wear it. You can wear something else."
"It isn't the gown," Victoria confessed. "That's not what's upsetting me."
"Perhaps you should tell me what is, then." James rose to his feet, came around his desk, and sat in the chair next to Victoria. "Whatever it is, you can talk to me about it," he said.
It felt crazy to believe that that was true. And yet, a part of Victoria did believe it. Perhaps telling him part of the true story would serve her well here. "It's difficult to face the idea of going into another marriage," she admitted. "I had so many ideas once about what married life would be like. But then… Everything was ruined."
James raised his eyebrows. "I didn't realize you had been that affected by the late duke's death," he said. "I had thought there was no particular affection between the two of you."
"There wasn't," Victoria said. "That…that isn't what I was referring to."
"Then I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean," James said. "Did something go wrong for you before that?"
Victoria looked down at her hands, which were knitted together in her lap. "I don't like to talk about it."
"I can understand that," James replied. "I have things I don't like to talk about as well. But I might understand your situation better if you told me what you mean."
He certainly would understand better if she told him. That didn't make it any easier to do so. Her sister and Matthew were the only ones who knew her shameful secret. Could she really tell James now?
She looked up into his dark eyes, which were fixed on her and invited confidences. She felt safe and warm and welcome, and the words tumbled from her lips before she had time to consider what she was doing any further.
"It was years before my marriage to the duke," she began. "I fell in love with another man. He was the second son of a poor baron. He offered me nothing in terms of money or prestige, but I believed myself to be in love with him. Of course, my father would never have given his consent for us to marry — so we decided to run away together."
"You ran away?"
"We were on our way to Gretna Green. We meant to marry without my father's blessing and without my family's knowledge. It would have been a scandal, but I thought I was doing it for the man I loved."
James's eyes were wide. "What happened?"
Victoria looked away. She couldn't face him as she related the end of the story. "I was wrong," she whispered. "He never cared for me at all. We stopped at the end of the road to Gretna Green, and it was there that he tried to take advantage of me. My sister had followed me, and she found me just in time to intervene and save me. She had her husband with her. If they hadn't been there… I can't say what would've happened. All I know is that I've never been more ashamed of anything in my life."
"But there's nothing for you to be ashamed of in that," James said. "It's the man you were with who should be ashamed. He's the one who acted in nefarious ways. You're not to blame for being taken in."
"I shouldn't have trusted him."
"Perhaps not, but it's not shameful to extend trust to someone. It's not shameful to believe yourself in love."
Victoria could hardly believe what she was hearing. She had always been sure that if she shared this with anyone, they would judge her and demean her. She had been sure they would think less of her. But James seemed to truly believe that it hadn't been her fault. "I swore that I would never look for love againafter that night," she said. "I realized that believing in love is a dangerous game, and that it only leads to trouble."
"It doesn't always lead to trouble," James countered. "Your sister found love, didn't she?"
"That's just what she always says," Victoria said. "She says that if she could do it I can do it. That's what persuaded me to make myself available to the gentleman of London for a second season after my first was such a failure. But that didn't work out either."
"Did something happen?"
"Nothing so dramatic. I simply realized that I couldn't bring myself to be around any gentlemen after what had happened. It was too difficult. When it came time for my third season, and my father said that he had found me a husband, I decided to go along with it in hopes that the gentleman would leave me in relative peace. I never raised a hand against him, of course — I never would've done such a thing. But…" She closed her eyes. "I can't pretend that I didn't feel a bit of relief when he died. I can pretend that it wasn't nice to finally be free of the obligation to be around gentlemen, to think about what they might want from me. At last I was able to simply be alone."
