Allan felt a chasm opening up within him. What if it was already too late? What if he had waited too long?
His grandmother was right about everything. No matter what Lady Edwina had said to him, and no matter what he thought about it, he had to go. He could not allow her to get away without telling her the truth about how he felt. She deserved to know, and he wanted her to.
His grandmother must have seen a change in the expression on his face. “Go,” she told him. “Take one of the horses. I’ll cover for you. I’ll make an excuse. You go to her and bring her back. Let her know the truth of how you feel. And Allan—good luck to you. I know that you can do this.”
Allan wished he felt anywhere near as confident. But at least he no longer doubted that he was making the correct choice.
He ran out of the house and down to the stables to ready a horse without looking back.
CHAPTER 37
Edwina rode along with her eyes closed, trying not to think about everything she had left behind.
The carriage jostled slightly on the uneven road, and she was glad for the discomfort because it served to take her mind off her worries. It was better to think about the fact that she was physically uncomfortable than it would have been to ponder what had happened between the Duke and herself.
And yet, she couldn’t get him off her mind. She couldn’t forget their last conversation. How upset he had been at the thought of Lord Kentrow’s proposal. She’d seen it all over him in the tense way he had held himself when he had heard about it. And then there was the way he had acted when she had told him she was planning on coming to the country. It was as if she had betrayed him personally somehow when she knew perfectly well that she had done nothing of the sort. There was no reason for him to be upset with her. There was no reason for him to be upset at all.
She had gone so far as to finally demand the answer to the question she had feared to ask him. Did he love her?
And he had given her nothing at all in response. Even a no would have been better than the silence with which he had met her.
Of course, the answer was no. That was why he hadn’t given it. He had been too cowardly to simply tell her, after all the time they had spent together, that she didn’t matter to him and never had. He had been faced with his own bad behavior, and he hadn’t liked it very much. He had found it impossible to say anything in response to her.
Edwina was glad she had made him suffer, but now she was the one suffering.
At least, it would be quiet in the country. At least, she would finally be alone with these thoughts, and she wouldn’t have to worry any longer about errant dukes and their opinions of her. Her chosen life—that of spinsterhood—could truly begin, and she could stop imagining what it might be like to be married.
To be married to the Duke.
She let out a sigh and leaned her head back against the carriage wall. The thoughts seemed to pursue her. She wondered how long it would be before she was able to outrun them.
Suddenly, the carriage came to a stop. Edwina’s eyes flew open, and she sat up straight, wondering what was going on. Could this mean danger?
The carriage door opened.
It was the Duke.
For a long moment, she just stared at him, wondering whether she had slipped into a dream. She must have. It didn’t make sense for him to be here. She had left him behind on purpose. She had told him not to follow her—again, deliberately.
And yet, this didn’t feel like a dream.
“Lady Edwina,” he said. He was rather breathless, and she thought he must have been riding hard in an attempt to catch up with her. “May I come in?”
She couldn’t very well deny him now. “I suppose you can,” she said.
She couldn’t help staring at him as he climbed up into the carriage. She was so shocked by his presence that she wasn’t sure how to respond—she couldn’t think of anything to say to him. He took a seat opposite her, and for a moment, the two of them just sat that way, regarding one another.
“You really left,” he said at last.
“I told you that I was going to.”
“I didn’t know that it was your intention to go so soon.”
“I couldn’t see the point in waiting,” she told him. “After all, what would I have been waiting for?”
“I suppose that makes sense,” he said. “But…I asked you not to go.”
“And I can’t stay just because you ask me to, Your Grace. You understand that, surely. I can’t build a life around the requests that you make of me when you and I have no future together. There was nothing for me in London. Ihadto go. It was the only thing that made sense for me anymore. I’m not going to marry, so I don’t want to go on living as if I’m torn between two worlds. I can’t attend balls every other week and spend long periods of time at house parties, acting as if I’m looking for a match when we know that I am not. I want to live the life I’ve chosen.”
