“And don’t you see the problem with that?” Allan asked, his head jerking up. He felt as though a fire was coursing through his veins. “Don’t you see what I might do to her?”
“You’ve never done anything to harm a lady or her reputation,” Seth protested.
“There’s a reason her brother didn’t want her anywhere near me. He could see what a terrible idea it would be. If you had a sister, you would feel just the same, Seth. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t. Nobody would wish to see me involved with someone they cared about. And they’d be right to feel that way because I have never taken a lady seriously in all my life.”
“That doesn’t mean you neverwill, Allan,” Seth insisted. “Don’t you see that it would beworseif you had gone around making false promises to ladies, treating every affair as if it were something to be relied upon? You have never pretended that you were offering anybody anything more than what you truly were, and if some ladies have been disappointed, you can’t be blamed for that.”
“I don’t think you would be saying this if it was your sister we were talking about.”
“I’m one of your oldest friends, Allan. I’ve known you longer than almost anyone. I know you better than almost anyone. You fear becoming the scoundrel and the rake society has painted you as, but that has never been who you truly are. See yourself through my eyes, if you can, and you will know.”
Allan shook his head and took another long sip of his drink. He would have liked to believe his friend’s words, but that was the trouble. He wanted to believe what Seth was saying too much to allow himself to think that it was actually true. It was simply too convenient.
He hadn’t realized the extent to which—after all this time—he had truly come to believe the things people said about him. But he did believe them. He knew how much time he spent in pursuit of fun. He hadn’t neglected his responsibilities, but he had certainly told himself that there was no reason to hold back from a good time until the day for marriage came.
“Do you love her?” Seth pressed him.
“Matthew would never accept it if I did.”
“Forget about that for a moment. You’re only answering me. Do you love her?”
Allan shook his head. “I don’t know the answer to that question.”
“You need to figure it out. Particularly if she’s thinking of leaving London. You need to answer this before she goes because if she leaves and you haven’t said everything you need to say, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. What if she goes and only then do you realize your true feelings for her?
“I’ll go after her,” Allan said at once. It struck him as a foolish question. “It’s not as if she would be impossible to reach in the country.”
“That’s true. But time might make her impossible for you to reach. She might realize that she doesn’t want to wait any longer for you. She might decide she’s waited long enough. Allan, you need to think carefully about what you’re doing because the way you handle the next few days will impact the rest of your life,” Seth said. “I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you, but I know that there isn’t. The best thing I can do is to tell you what I think. And what I think is that you need to find out what your true feelings are and share them with Lady Edwina as soon as you possibly can before the chance is gone forever.”
Allan looked up at his friend, wondering if there was anything he could do that would make this easier—anything that would make it even feel possible. Right now, he felt as though he was facing the most daunting task in the world. Confiding his feelings to Lady Edwina would be difficult enough even if he had mastered an understanding of how he felt, and he hadn’t.
And Seth was right. He could see that. These were questions he was going to have to answer, and he was going to have to do it quickly. If he couldn’t manage it, the chance to get what he wanted from this situation would elude him forever.
He would lose her.
And though he hadn’t expected it in the least, that thought suddenly seemed unbearable to Allan.
CHAPTER 35
Allan didn’t sleep at all that night. He couldn’t.
He paced back and forth in his room, thinking about everything Lady Edwina had said and everything Seth had said. Thinking about his own feelings and how he was going to try to manage them.
From the moment his parents had died, Allan had known his responsibility. And from that moment, he had taken that responsibility very seriously. He had to step into his father’s shoes. He had to find someone to marry who would make the right impression on society. He had to have a son of his own, an heir to the dukedom, and continue the family line. These were not options; they were things that were required of him. He had to do all of this.
And yet, he had lived with his feet in two different worlds, for he had been unwilling to sacrifice the carefree days of his youth. He had spent time at gentlemen’s clubs. He had associated withladies he had no intention of marrying. He had poured his young life into enjoying himself, always with the promise at the back of his mind that when the right lady came along—when his duchess appeared—he would let go of his old ways and marry her.
He had always been sure that was true, but now, suddenly, he didn’t know.
What Seth had said simply made too much sense. His friend was right. He had created an idea for himself of a perfect lady—a lady who didn’t exist in the real world. When he thought of the perfect duchess in his mind and compared her to Lady Edwina, for instance—what were the differences?
His perfect duchess would never challenge him. Lady Edwina challenged him all the time. She rarely did anything else.
But he had found that he liked that. He liked the way she spoke to him as if he were the most foolish man alive sometimes. He liked the way she questioned everything he said. He would never have guessed that he would enjoy such a thing. He couldn’t have planned for this in his mind. It had taken knowing her for him to realize the way he felt, and now that he did, he understood that there was no way back for him. There was no way he would ever be able to meet an uncomplicated lady and think her better for him than Lady Edwina was. He had come too far with her now.
What, then, was he going to do?
She had ordered him away so many times.
