“Oh dear, I didn’t expect that was what had you looking so glum. What are you here for exactly?” she asked him.
Benedict stared at her curiously, unable to understand what she meant by that.
“Are you trying to lose such a great woman? The both of you are perfectly suited for each other. There’s no one I’ve seen who would be such a great match for you as she is.”
Benedict raised a brow and she did same. “Don’t raise your brows at me, son. I have seen the two of you together. I’ve seen how you laugh and banter, how your eyes don’t stray from each other and how you seek each other out when you first enter a room. I’m your mother, I notice these things. Of course, I do. What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t care for my child well enough to know certain information about him?”
“Mother, I am a man. I don’t need you to worry yourself over my courtship,” he said with a chuckle.
“Ah but you’re my son as Letitia is my daughter. I care not only for her future. I mean I’d want for her to marry someone she’ll be happy with and that will treat her right. But I also a woman who will love you and care for you no matter what happens. She has all the qualities that make a good wife and a good marriage, so what has caused this fight between the two of you?”
“I know that she’s perfect, Mother. It’s the reason why I’m scared.”
Her brows furrowed as she stared at him in shock, eyes wide. “You’re scared?”
He nodded. “I haven’t been quite forthcoming with how much I was truly affected by Juliet’s betrayal. With her, although I was affected, I didn’t love her but I love Augusta, Mother. If anything were to happen with her, I don’t believe I would ever be able to survive it.”
Her expression turned sad, her eyes holding her apology. “I did tell your father that it wasn’t such a good idea. I was of the belief that you should’ve been able to grow up and find a bride for yourself but then, as you grew, you both seemed to get closer that I had no choice but to agree. If I’d known things were not as they seem, I would have chosen better and I would’ve fought harder to make sure that the betrothal forced upon you by your father and hers did not work out or get to the point where it truly bothered you.
“It’s all right, Mother. I didn’t mention it as a way to blame you for whatever transpired between Juliet and me. We were both old enough to make our own decisions and the choices we made is what has impacted our lives.”
His mother bit her lips as he continued. “I only wish to tell you how exactly it is that I have been feeling and why I am finding it difficult to be fully into this courtship. I love her but I don’t know if I’m ready to have someone upend my life in a way that gives them total control over me.”
“I understand, Benedict. You have no need to explain to me or try to lessen the situation past the way it was. I understand completely what you’ve said. I do wish still that I had been firmer in standing my ground against your father’s choices and be more careful also.”
Benedict glanced at his mother in appreciation. “What should I do now?” he asked, unsure how to find the balance he needed where he didn’t allow his fear to take complete control of him and also didn’t lose her without fully changing everything about himself.
“The only thing you can do is to go after Augusta because she’s clearly the woman for you. You’ve seen the marriages in the ton. Majority of them are merely business partners. Not everyone in the ton is lucky enough to find a true-life partner, but you have found that. It would be a shame to let her go.”
“What do you know of my relationship with her, Mother?” he snapped. His fists clenched as she withdrew slightly staring at him in shock. He wished he could take it back. It was the first time he had ever snapped at her and he didn’t like the look on her face
He steeled himself as he continued. “Lady Augusta is a wonderful lady. There is not much fault to be found in her but that doesn’t mean that we would be perfect for one another. Perhaps it would be good for me to marry so I can have an heir, but I don’t believe it will be to her.”
“Oh, but why? If she is without fault as you say, what stops you from being with her?” his mother asked, recovering from her shock.
Benedict sighed. There’d be nothing stopping her if it was simply her he was thinking of. Augusta was a very lovely young lady. He’d thoroughly enjoyed getting to know her and had forgotten all about the bet, getting lost in the new things he found about her every time they were together.
If only I’d met her first. Maybe things would’ve been different.
Now, he was damaged and not right for someone like her.
But what if everyone else is right and there’s a way to make things work with her?
He shook his head, ridding himself of the little shred of hope that threatened to bloom into something more. Something bigger. He couldn’t change anything about the past so there was no point overthinking it.
He had to protect her and also himself. Now that he had fallen in love with her, if she ever broke his trust like Juliet did, he would never survive it. Benedict was not ready to take that risk. It would always hang over him, dimming whatever chances of happiness he might’ve had with her if he indeed married her.
“There is more to a marriage than just a perfect woman. I’m afraid I cannot be the man she wants or needs,” he answered gravely, the finality of it settling deeply in the pit of his stomach.
“No,” The Dowager snapped. She took his hands in hers, sidling over. “I know you do not wish to talk about what happened and so far, I have respected your wishes, but I cannot continue to sit by and watch as you let this ruin your life.”
Her eyes were pools of unshed tears, her voice shaky as she stared defiantly into his eyes.
“Listen, Mother,” Benedict began angrily. Why did she wish so much to talk about this now? Wasn’t it enough that he’d already lost her now that she thought he chased after her only for the thrill of it? “I appreciate that you have stayed out of my romantic affairs all this tie. I know you mean well but I would prefer if you continue to do as you have. I will take care of it.”
“No, you listen, Benedict. Lady Augusta is the perfect woman for you and you would do well to recognize that. You have no handle on things and I can see the road that you’re headed. It’ll be too late before you recognize that you’ve lost everything.”
“What do you want from me, Mother?” he asked suddenly. “Do you want me to admit that I love her and the past few weeks with her have been the best parts of what I thought would have been a dreadful season? Because it’s the truth. But there’s so much holding me back. I don’t know how to let go of this distrust that I’ve carried my whole life.”
