He bowed before her. “Lady Penelope, forgive my calling on you.”
“It was you, after all. I thought you were here but when I woke and did not see you, I assumed I’d had a bad dream.”
He swallowed. A bad dream. That is all he was to her now. The iciness in her voice and in her eyes made him want to turn around and leave but he knew he could not. He owed her. He had to fix what he’d damaged.
“It was. And I am afraid I cannot leave until you hear me out.”
She crossed her arms in front of her chest.
“Is that so? And why, pray tell, ought I listen to you? There seems nothing left to say. We both behaved foolishly, we both will have to bear the results of our actions. Besides, it seems nothing good has come from our keeping company thus far.”
He stepped forward. “Not thus far. And I know I have caused you great hardship. Alas, it is imperative that I speak to you at once. Our future depends on it.”
She scoffed at this but stepped aside, motioning for him and Mrs. Swinson to enter the drawing room once more.
He took a deep breath to steady his nerves. Then he stepped through the arched doorway, knowing that the next few moments would alter the paths of both of their lives.
Chapter 26
Penelope sat at the edge of the chaise and crossed her legs at the ankles. Mrs. Swinson sat on a chair near the fireplace, a respectable distance from them while still giving them privacy. She glared at Daniel. She was not sure what to feel. Her head swam with lingering weakness and fatigue and her heart switched back and forth from being inexplicably happy to see him, to being angry at his actions, as well as her own.
I wonder if he called on Bridget before he came here. Certainly, that is what he has come to talk to me about. The future. What future could there be that involved both of us? He must see that it would be best for him to leave Oxfordshire entirely. And as for me…
“Penel… Lady Penelope,” his voice broke her out of her thoughts. She looked up at him and noticed how terrible he looked. There were dark circles under his eyes. She remembered them from childhood. Even when he did sleep, often he could not properly rest due to his nightmares and wound up more exhausted than if he hadn’t slept at all. His eyes had no shine to them, they were dull as was his skin. His hair appeared oily, as though he hadn’t washed it in some time.
She wondered for a moment what she looked like, not having dared to look into a mirror in days. Then she dismissed the thought. It did not matter what she looked like. Nobody was calling on her. Nobody cared. She was all but an outcast.
“I want to start by telling you that I am sorry for my part in it all.” His voice had a shake to it as if he were nervous. He held his hands in his lap, folded as if in prayer. “I do not know what came over me. Well… perhaps I do. I gave in to some foolish impulse and I made a mistake. I did not mean to hurt you or Miss Hughes, though I know I have.”
A foolish impulse. A mistake. So that, after all, was what it all came down to. She sighed, for in the dark of night when she’d replayed the events over and over, she’d sometimes fallen asleep with the faint hope that the kiss hadn’t been a mistake or an irrational action, but deliberate. That he’d kissed her because he felt what she felt. Those hopes were dashed now, as she knew they would be.
I make a cake of myself again and again. I insist on hoping that he is more than what he is when in the end, Papa was right. He is a dandy and all but a rake. I should have seen it. He was as drunk as an emperor, too drunk to know what he was doing. And thus, he made a mistake.
“I thank you for making clear your feelings on the matter. Although I fail to see why you had to call on me to tell me of your terrible mistake, for I was present on the occasion and well aware of it all. I take it you have called on Bridget to give her an apology? For if you have not, I urge you to do so, as you will surely find a more welcoming reception there.”
He swallowed and blinked before averting his eyes. A moment passed between them in which neither spoke. Only the sounds of the rain drumming against the window could be heard. Such was the day that Penelope never even realized it was raining. It certainly fit her mood.
When at last he spoke again, there was hesitation in his voice and regret.
“I have not called on Miss Hughes. I felt it more prudent to call on you, given what I have heard.”
She crossed her arms. “And what have you heard?” She did not like feeling or acting as defensively as she did. She knew he was not solely to blame for what had happened, nor was he to blame for the reaction she’d received by society. Yet, she found it was the only way to protect herself and her heart from further harm.
“I heard that you are blamed for what happened at the Festival. That your reputation is… damaged. I know well what it is like for a lady’s reputation to be harmed in such a way and what it means for your future and your prospects of marriage.”
She swallowed and looked past him at the grey sky.
“It is not my marital prospects that concern me. You and I have not been in contact for some time. I was quite serious when I said I had no intention of marrying. I was quite contented in my matchmaking activities. It may be difficult for someone like you to believe, but not all of us chase the dream of being someone’s wife.”
“Someone like me?” The edge in his voice was evident and he frowned, a spark of irritation in his eyes.
“You are a respected member of the peerage. You go to every ball, every roust, and every dinner you are invited to. You are around young ladies all the time and they all, I dare say, have one thing in common. They are in want of a husband. And thus, you are used to that being the one thing every young woman seeks. Well, not this one.”
This statement seemed to take him by surprise as he licked his lips and shifted in his seat as if to find his bearings. He was about to open his mouth when she continued with her speech.
“What I worry about is my father. You know he is in ill health. This has caused him to grow weaker still. He is in no condition to handle this damage to my reputation. I fear for him. I fear I will lose him over this. Can you imagine the two of us venturing into town together and him having to hear the whispers behind our backs? That he is father to a fallen lady? I cannot imagine what…”
She stopped speaking as her voice broke. She didn’t want him to hear her despair at the thought. He seemed determined to somehow undo what was done, not realizing that nothing he could say or do would repair her reputation or the impact it had on her father.
