I looked away from her distressed gaze and wiped under my eyes. “Everyone is pushing me to decide more for myself—say no and tell people what I want. Exceptthis. This I cannot just say I do not want sex or—why is this something Ihaveto want or like? Why—it’s so—it’s beyond confusing. You want me to say no, but I cannot here? You hear the insanity of that, yes?”
She was quiet several moments, and while I found that frustrating, I was also used to it and actually appreciated it from my doctor. Especially my therapist who was clearly listening to me then and careful to consider my feelings and her approach.
“This—I do not want to demean the situation, but I’m going to give you a very bland analogy to take the pain and pressure out of how I see the situation, okay?” she finally told me, waiting until I nodded. “No one likes the taste of coffee when they first have it. Plain coffee or espresso is horrid their first taste, yes?”
I nodded, thinking back to how I’d first tried it and gagged. Especially back so long ago when it was extra horrid before fancy machines made the process easy and consistent.
“It took time for you to try different milks or creams—the right sweeteners and syrups that made it the wayyoulike it.” She snickered. “I only want it with whipped cream or this new cold foam fun as a treat for myself. But it was a process to find my drink, and it’sfunto try something new now and again.”
I wiped my eyes again and thought over what she was trying to tell me. “You’re saying I need to trust the process and get used to the taste?” I huffed when she started to nod. “But some people just don’t drink coffee, Marie, and there’s nothing wrong with that! I should be allowed to say that, and I feel trapped that I cannot or will be judged if I do!”
She swallowed loudly, feeling deeply my pain which was why she was such a good doctor. “You are absolutely allowed to say that. Always. Alwaysalways, Aurora. Full stop.”
She set down her notepad and picked up a box of tissues when I started crying more. She moved onto the couch with me and handed me a few, giving me a half hug.
“The problem is you’ve only known coffee as being thrown on you scalding hot and it burns you, leaving deep scars, Aurora,” she said gently. “That’s not what coffee is meant for—how it’s supposed to be. We all push this because we know in our souls you will love coffee. I know as a medical professional that…”
“What?” I asked when I got my crying better under control.
She sighed and turned to face me. “You aren’t the only one who has felt this way, child.” She reached out and wiped an errant tear. “And many have simply done as you said and never had sex, completely written it off.”
I swallowed loudly, seeing the deep grief in her eyes. “It ends badly, doesn’t it?”
The sad smile on her face was like a punch to the gut. “You will never fully heal from your traumas. Some traumas are too great to ever fully heal from.” She seemed to consider that. “Scratch that. You will heal, but the scars will never fade.” She waited until I nodded, having heard her say that a lot and having accepted it.
I looked forward to the phase of only scars instead of open wounds.
“But you can’t heal when you don’t tend to the wound,” she whispered. “Ignoring it and leaving alone some part of life that we’re meant to have is letting the trauma win. Now, that’s not to say sex is for everyone. There are people who are completely fine without a partner. They value their peace and—they’re fine.”
“But that’s their choice, not secluding themselves?” It was a question. I meant it more as a statement, but… It was really a question.
And we both knew it.
“Yes.” She tucked my hair behind my ear. “And that wound gets infected since it never healed. They lose themselves in loneliness because they can’t find balance or accept their choice to be single. They feel different because of what wastakenfrom them. That normalcy was taken from them and it can’t ever come back unless work is put in.”
“It’s not fair,” I rasped, shocked I finally said it.
And so was she from what flashed in her eyes. “It is, but I see hope so hang on a bit more. You bringing this up is such progress. Hearing me out and working through it is amazing.” She nodded to my coffee on the table. “And aren’t you glad you stuck it out and found what you like? Wasn’t it worth some bad-tasting drinks you tossed?”
I opened my mouth but then closed it. “Is Creed the drink in this scenario? You’re not suggesting I leave him because I didn’t enjoy sex with him, right?”
Her eyes went too wide and then she laughed. She shook her head and patted my hand before moving back to her seat. “No, not at all, child. Oh, I’m sorry to laugh, but you’re still so earnest after all you’ve been through and it heals my old,oldheart some days. It truly does.”
“I lost the analogy then,” I admitted.
“I meant the types of intimacy,” she explained. She cleared her throat. “I’m not this type of doctor and I would recommend speaking to one once it’s time for maintenance, but there are positions I still don’t like or have issues doing with my partner. That’s fine. Same with him. That’s the drink analogy.”
I mulled that over. “So like my chia latte is oral sex since not even coffee? Yes, I very much like that.”
She snorted. “We all do, Aurora.” She turned serious. “But you can’t be a selfish partner. You’re not, but you know one day he’ll need his attention too. It’s about give and take. So some days I give my partner a position I don’t really enjoy because he does and vice versa.Collectively, it’s all worth it. Very worth it.”
I let out a shaky breath and dabbed my eyes. “What if it never is?”
“Then that’s a different conversation and maybe something medically to check out,” she answered honestly. “Then you work with Creed—who loves you and would—about how to still make it work.” She pressed her lips together. “Was there truly no part of it that you enjoyed? Nothing?”
I went to tell her no but then froze, realizing I had to be honest if this was going to heal me even if it was mortifying. “There was a moment. It wasn’t physical enjoyment but…”
“Yes, I know what you mean,” she accepted, not making me elaborate. “And that’s—you will have so many more of those moments, Aurora. Trust us. Please. And the physical ones will come. Even women who didn’t go through horrors you did don’t like intercourse right from the first time. That’s fiction. A lot have to learn what they like too and it’s difficult on their bodies.”
