“Of course he did not invite her,” she reassured her friend. “Shelbourne would never do something like that. But when Mrs. Edwards received her note, she apparently found her way into some strong spirits, and then she decided to march over to Cagney House and confront Shelbourne.”
“Oh dear.”
“Precisely.” A new wave of misery crashed over Julianna. “It was plain to see the anguish beneath her rage, and I understand it all too well. Her heart was broken over him. Just as mine was.”
“You are in love with my brother.” Hellie’s voice was certain, free of question.
“I have been from the moment I met him,” Julianna conceded.
And how freeing it felt, that burden gone from her chest. The last secret she had been keeping from her friend had been revealed.
“You never said a word!” Hellie did not sound angry, but rather shocked. “I would not have even guessed until you came here to tell me about Emily.”
“I have kept the secret well. I have not told Shelbourne himself. I trust I have your confidence?”
“Always.” Hellie nodded. “I wish you had told me before. I feel so certain all this heartache the two of you have suffered could have been avoided.”
“I hardly think Shelbourne suffered heartache,” she said, unable to keep the bitterness from her tone. “He has certainly kept himself occupied in my absence.”
For so long, she had resented him, raged against him from afar. She had been destroyed by what she had supposed then to be his crushing betrayal. But if she believed him now, the kiss that had destroyed her world had not been at all what she had supposed.
“My relationship with my brother has been strained, Julianna,” Hellie was saying now. “For two years, he has not been himself. He has been callous, unfeeling, and distant. Drinking too much, sleeping too little, carrying on with the Marlborough House set. But I did not understand the significance of that time—two years—until you told me about Emily and revealed you and Shelbourne were marrying. I realized then that he has not been himself ever sinceyouleft.”
Julianna’s breath caught. She wanted to believe, and yet part of her also wanted desperately to guard her heart. Or what was left of it.
“I am sincerely sorry to hear you and Shelbourne have not been getting on. However, I cannot believe I am at fault for his actions. He has likely taken mistresses aplenty in my absence.”
That stung, and she could not deny it.
Thinking of Shelbourne being intimate with Lady Richards. With Mrs. Edwards. With countless others, faceless, nameless. She hated the notion.
“Only the one, as far as I am aware, and that quite recently,” Hellie said. “He has been different since you left. It makes perfect sense, now that I know the two of you are hopelessly in love with each other.”
Should it comfort her that Shelbourne had only recently taken Mrs. Edwards as his mistress? Julianna clutched her handkerchief tightly in her fist. The rest of what her friend had just said needed to be answered.
“Shelbourne is not in love with me, Hellie.” He had certainly never said the words. Not once.
While she…
She supposed she had never spoken them aloud to him either. She had been too fearful. That summer at Farnsworth Hall had been wonderful, frightening, too short. She had done too much. She had not said enough.
“My darling friend,” Hellie said, her gaze unwavering, “I love you, but you are wrong. So very wrong. Shelbourne has come to life these last few weeks. Having you and Emily has wrought so much change, and all for the good. How can you not see it for yourself? Surely you do. He lights up from within when he speaks of the both of you.”
Julianna thought once more of the inscription in the poetry volume he had gifted her that morning. O! let me have thee whole,—all—all—be mine!
What did it mean?
What did any of it mean?
“He… I… Surely he would have said something if that were the truth?” she countered, attempting to remain calm. To preserve her wits. To cling to the pain and the fear and the mistrust.
To keep the longing within her from taking control of the rational part of her which remained. To preserve her heart. To save herself from more pain.
“I love my husband with every part of my heart,” Hellie said then. “But he fought our love. Fought so hard against it. It will not be easy for Shelbourne either, following his heart. Our parents were not a love match. We were raised to believe in duty over romanticism. Be patient with him, Julianna. Give him the chance to show you.”
She sighed. “Oh, Hellie. I already gave him that chance. It ended with his mistress throwing my eggs and bacon against the wall.”
Her friend’s nose wrinkled. “Truly? Eggsandbacon? What a horrid mess.”
