When he spoke again, his voice sounded strangled. “The reason I’m telling you this is because the Eumadians want you back. They’ve asked the Rendol Parliament to return you to them, because they consider you to be stolen goods. There’s going to be a hearing in court. We’re going to have to prepare a formal legal case, and we’ll both have to attend the hearing. You might have to answer some questions. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
I did. But he was lying. The Eumadians would never ask for a bonded dimari back. It was a complete waste of time. He was going to send me back, and he was using the Eumadians as an excuse. “Yes, sir,” I said. “There’ll be a court case with lawyers and politicians, and they’ll debate whether to send me back, because they have to avoid starting a war with the Eumadians.”
“I’m not going to let them take you,” my master said. That made no sense. If he didn’t want me, why would he pretend that he did?
I nodded, my eyes fixed on the floor. “Yes, sir,” I said. My entire world had just been ripped out from under me. It was unfortunate that Vangravians had such a firm constitution, otherwise I might have just passed out and escaped from this nightmare for a few moments. I waited, wondering if he was going to say anything else. When he didn’t, I offered, “Would you like me to make something for dinner?” My gaze was fixed on the floor. I hadn’t been able to look at him since he’d told me I wasn’t supposed to be here.
He was silent for a long moment. “No. I’ll just…” He sighed. “I’m going to order some pizza. It’ll be easier. I don’t think either of us are in the mood to cook.”
I nodded. He didn’t even want me to cook for him anymore. I was unwanted and useless.
He took my other hand in his and tugged me around to face him. “Kade, look at me. Please.” I did, because what else could I do? “I never wanted to hurt you. I am so, so sorry for having to tell you this. I have truly loved having you here. It’s been strange and confusing, but so much fun and… you’ve saved my life twice, at least. Kade, I care about you so much. I just don’t know what to do here.” A tear trickled down his cheek, and I watched his lower lip tremble.
I felt hollow inside. My master didn’t want me. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?
◊◊◊
I ate the pizza, when it arrived, because my master expected me to. Afterwards, I told him that I was going to have a shower, a stray part of me hoping that he’d join me, like he had that first night at home. He didn’t.Afterwards, I sat on the sofa, reading a book I’d found in the military library about the history of the humans joining the Alliance. I’d been gradually expanding my knowledge about this unusual world that I lived on, and even though I now knew I wasn’t going to be here for much longer, I didn’t know what else to do with my time. So I continued pretending that I was going to be here, that this information would be useful someday, because…
Because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how else to live.
What would the Eumadians do with me, when they took me back? Would they even take me back? I wasn’t useful to them. So maybe they’d just kill me. Or maybe they’d put me to work in manual labour. It was about all a rejected dimari was good for.
I kept trying to figure out what I’d done that was so wrong. Had I been too confident? Made too many of my own decisions? Had I been too slow to learn my master’s culture? Had it been because the two Solof women had died? I wasn’t sure how I could have protected them, but if I’d known they were that important, I would certainly have tried to think of something.
My master was staring at his comm, occasionally fiddling with one of the settings, or scrolling through some file or other. But every minute or so, he’d glance my way. I didn’t know what he was looking for. Did he want me to leave already? Was I supposed to say something to try and change his mind?
Eventually, he turned his comm off. “I think it’s time we got some sleep,” he said, and the soft tone of his voice rasped over me like warm satin. Fuck, I wasn’t going to get to listen to his voice for much longer. I savoured the words, memorising the tone.
And then I nodded. I was tired of pretending to read my book anyway.
He turned off the kitchen light. I checked that the front door was locked. I kept my eyes on the floor as I followed him down the hall to the bathroom. We brushed our teeth, side by side, as we so often did. That wasn’t going to happen anymore, was it? Not if he was sending me back.
Then I followed him into his bedroom, but the instant I set foot inside the door, I wondered if I was doing the wrong thing. I stopped in my tracks, averting my eyes as he stripped off his t-shirt. Did I even have the right to look at his body anymore? Those firm muscles that had held me, and lifted me, and pinned me against a wall…
“Should I…?”
“Hm?” He paused his undressing and looked over at me.
“Should I sleep in the spare bedroom?” I offered, in a timid voice. I didn’t want him to say yes. But I knew he didn’t want me here.
But his reaction was nothing like what I had expected. “Jesus Christ, I’m not doing this,” he snarled, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “This is ridiculous.”
I froze. I hadn’t heard him sound so genuinely angry in… well,ever.
“Kade. Come here,” he snapped, waving me forward. I went immediately, trained to respond to his commands on a hair-trigger, no matter how terrified I was that I was about to be punished for… something. “Sit down,” he said next, pointing to the end of the bed. I sat.
He sat beside me, still shirtless, his jaw and fists both clenched. “I’m going to explain something to you,” he said, then added, “Look at me.”
My head snapped around almost against my will. It was so rare for him to give me such a direct order. Even in the middle of a mission, he was usually more vague, asking for opinions or giving me options. I felt like my body was being pulled about on strings. “I’m going to explain something to you,” he repeated, “and I want you to actuallylisten. Put aside whatever preconceived ideas you have. Forget about whatever expectations you were taught to have of your master. Because I am not the master you expected, and this situation is not one that you could ever have been trained to deal with. Listen to what I’m actually saying. Have you got that?”
“Yes, sir,” I said, clearing my mind and doing my best to put aside all of my expectations. I wasn’t sure how successful that would be, but I was going to give it my best shot.
“Okay. When I found you, I didn’t know you were there. I was not expecting to have a dimari bond to me. But once you did, I wanted…” He hesitated at that point, and I waited for him to continue, reminding myself over and over again to not try and fill in the end of the sentence for him. No preconceived ideas. “I wanted to be the best master to you that I could be. We both misunderstood each other a fair few times, because neither of us was ever taught how to understand the other. And I think you’re misunderstanding something I said to you today. And I’ve spent the past half an hour trying to figure out what it was, but I don’t know enough about how dimari think to know what’s going through your head. I care about you as much now as I ever did. I am as pleased with you as I ever was. If it was up to me, I would keep you, but the Eumadians want to take you back. That!” he suddenly shouted, pointing a finger at me. “What was that? What thought just went through your head, right there?”
I made a somewhat garbled noise as I tried to backtrack a moment and pinpoint the exact thought he was referring to.
“Your expression changed. I saw it. I said the Eumadians want to take you back, and you got this look of… I don’t know… annoyance, or something. Like you don’t believe me, or like there’s something you want to say about that that you can’t say.”
