I looked into Lucas’s steady brown eyes. He had been in my life for a couple of months, had been my friend for most of that. I’d shared things with him that I hadn’t with anyone else, had eaten countless meals with him and solved dozens of puzzles. He’d been there when I needed a hug and he’d become the person I wanted to share all the best and shittiest bits of life with.
I wanted to believe him when he said he wanted more from me. I wanted to trust.
I took the deepest breath I’d taken since I woke up this morning and found Lucas gone, then stood.
The realist in me screamed to run away, but I rounded the table and took Lucas’s hand.
Prior experience had taught me that everything he was offering wasn’t available to me, but the chance to be with Lucas was too much to pass by when there was even a tiny bit of hope left. Even as my fingers slipped between his, my chest tightened. He could hold out his hand a hundred times and I’d take it, no matter how many times he’d crushed me before. I was a fool for this man, too in love with him to allow for self-preservation.
I tripped as I followed him out of the kitchen-diner, his hand gripping mine. Since I’d not been able to hold onto anyone for more than a night or two before, I’d not allowed myself to develop big feelings.
But I’d fallen for Lucas without meaning to.
We parted to tug on our boots at the door, then walked across Bonnie and Joshua’s front garden and over to the seawall. Waves slammed into the thick concrete and the sun shone overhead.
I didn’t take Lucas’s hand again. I gathered my arms around my middle, held myself together despite the instinct to run and hide.
‘I thought you didn’t want me anymore.’ My willingness to wait for Lucas to kick this off was tapped out after a couple of seconds of standing opposite one another, our hair whipped about by the sea breeze.
‘No.’ Lucas shook his head, thrashing from side to side. ‘I wanted you too much.’
I closed my eyes for a second, let fear and hope do battle, then looked back at him. ‘Please explain why you left this morning.’
Lucas nodded, his wild hair falling across his forehead. ‘I woke up, then almost immediately freaked out. We’d had such a perfect day together, but I was worried I was too much for you. That I wanted too much. We’d spent hours talking and kissing and touching, and I wanted more.’ He swallowed. ‘Rather than overwhelm you, I thought it was better if I left and sorted myself out. Then I’d come home once I’d contained myself.’
Hope unfurled, tentative yet strong. ‘What things do you want?’
‘I wanted you to never get dressed again.’ Lucas’s eyes widened. ‘Sorry. That’s probably not the perfect thing to start with.’ He spread his hands. ‘I wanted so many other things too. Want them. I want to hug you every morning before I go to work. Then kiss you when I get home. I want to sit in Island Books with you while you fulfil orders and make you cups of coffee. I want to buy you pastries and scarves and different kinds of cheese. I want to do puzzles with you every night and be the person you talk to when you’re sad and I always, always want to see you smile.’
I blinked, struggling to reply around the growing lump in my throat, but Lucas wasn’t done.
‘Because I’ve never felt like this before, I didn’t know if it was normal to want so much. I didn’t want to be too demanding and scare you off.’ He shook his head. ‘I wish I hadn’t been so worried, that I’d thought about what leaving would look like, but I didn’t go because I don’t want you.’ He laughed. ‘I want you always. I adore you. But I was worried it would be too much. That you’d decide I was too much.’
Lucas and I weren’t in bed. He wasn’t saying these things as he chased his own lust. His mind wasn’t fogged by orgasm.
He wanted me in so many different ways in and out of the bedroom.
My heart swelled to twice its normal size, no longer solely occupied with pumping blood around my body. It had a new purpose now, one it had been secretly working away at for weeks but could now complete out in the open: loving Lucas.
He’d made enough declarations for me to be sure. No more of this conversation needed to happen with him so far away.
I stepped forward and looped my arms around his neck. Lucas sank into me instantly, his arms tight around my waist and his face nuzzling into my scarf. His chest butted with mine as I laughed.
‘You could never be too much for me,’ I said into his hair. He’d washed it last night, but not thoroughly. Under the smells of the loch and grass and Aster and dog was him. And me. Us. ‘I told you before that I want touch more than other people do. For you, it’s insatiable. You said everything you want, and it’s like you’re plucking thoughts directly from my brain.’ I squeezed him. ‘I want everything with you. Everything I thought I could never have because no one seemed to want me like this.’
‘They were idiots,’ Lucas muttered into my scarf.
I laughed again. ‘Maybe. Or maybe I just needed someone like you to choose me.’ I edged back to look at him, his nose an inch from mine. ‘I want to be yours. To be your person.’
Lucas nodded, and our foreheads bumped. ‘I meant what I said last night.’ His breath was warm on my face. ‘You’re it for me.’
So many times before, I’d longed for partners to reconsider. To rush back to my side and declare that everything they’d said in the throes of passion was true in the light of day. I’d always been left disappointed.
I wished I could tell those versions of myself that it would turn out perfectly in the end. I’d meet a guy called Lucas, and he wouldn’t let me go once he had me, not really. He mightsometimes say odd things, but at his core he was good and steady. And mine.
‘I love you.’ It was impossible to contain the words when they rang so loud in my head.
Lucas’s smile crashed across his face. He closed the distance between us and beamed against my lips.
