‘I want to touch Kit all the time,’ I almost shouted, so much pent-up need and confusion bursting free. ‘I want him here, right now. If he could be sitting beside me, I’d love that. I wanthis head on my shoulder and I want him to hear all of this and I want him to hold my hand too.’ I licked my lips. ‘I don’t want to have even come here. I woke up with him this morning and all I wanted to do was stay with him and hold him. We had sex yesterday, way more sex than I’ve ever had in my life, and still I wanted more. I wanted to wake Kit up by kissing him and I never want him to wear clothes again and–’ I drew in a harsh breath and glared out over the loch. ‘Don’t you see? This isn’t normal. I shouldn’t want him this intensely. All the attraction I’ve not been feeling for years has been waiting to be let out and now it’s too much. I want too much. It’s not right.’
Aster’s thumbs smoothed over my knuckles as my breathing gradually slowed.
‘I don’t know how to want him like I should,’ I mumbled, my lower lip wobbling. I blinked down at our clasped hands. ‘Please help me. I don’t want to scare him off.’
‘Oh, Lukey.’
That was all the warning I got before Aster launched himself at me. Even if my feelings about becoming a werewolf were decidedly iffy now that I’d realised it had turned my animal friends against me, I would always be grateful that the change had gifted me additional strength and healing. Where before the force of Aster’s affection would have slammed my back into the ground, I caught him and would barely have to suffer bruises from his chest slamming into mine.
‘You need the biggest hug,’ Aster mumbled into my hair. ‘You’ve maybe needed one about this stuff for a while, yeah?’
I turned my head into his neck and let the tears come. It seemed impossible that I’d have any more, since I’d spent practically all my time by the loch crying, but Aster’s skin was soon tacky with drying salt.
Last night, telling Kit about my difficulties around attraction had felt embarrassing but I’d been far more focused on kissing him than I had on how it felt to finally unburden myself.
I didn’t want to kiss Aster. Not even a little bit. That meant the loneliness and worry I’d felt about this part of myself came rushing to the surface. For years, I’d wondered if I would ever be able to feel for someone what so many others did so effortlessly. I felt within myself that it was possible, but it never happened no matter what I tried.
I’d resigned myself to being alone. Then when everything I’d been dreaming of came true, I’d messed it up.
‘I’ve been waiting for so long to find someone I like this way.’ I sobbed into Aster’s embrace. ‘I don’t want to lose Kit because I’m not doing any of this right.’
‘Lukey, Lukey.’ Aster swept his hands up and down my back, the movement reminiscent of all the times he’d comforted me through the years. ‘I have three things to say. They are going to make you feel one hundred percent better and I can promise that you’re not going to lose Kit.’
I sniffed and pulled back. I didn’t see how Aster could guarantee that but if he had any ideas, I was all ears.
‘Firstly.’ He wiggled awkwardly off my legs until he was cross-legged opposite me again, but this time he leant forward to grab the sides of my face. He brought us nose to nose, close enough that I could pick out the different shades of brown in his irises. ‘You are a glorious human being. Or werewolf. Whatever. You’re a glorious thing. I love you now and forever and always and that will never change. No matter what. Got it?’
I nodded, and he released my head. He sat back and clasped my knees.
‘Secondly, did you by any chance listen to the whole of my interesting and informative lecture about the different flavours of asexuality?’
I wrinkled my nose. ‘I was too distracted by worrying that something could describe me but also kind of not that I didn’t listen to anything else.’ Not to mention that Aster’s voice formed the background of most of my childhood and teen years. He’d given a thousand monologues I’d vaguely listened to while playing video games or struggling with homework.
‘Lucky for you, my noggin isn’t just a repository for flower knowledge and mental images of Callum’s wonderous body.’ He tapped his temple. ‘Have you heard of demisexuality?’
I searched my mind and came back with nothing. ‘Nope.’
‘It’s a type of asexuality. Comes under the umbrella, if you will.’ Aster danced his fingers on my knees. ‘It’s a term for people who don’t feel sexual or romantic attraction unless they have a deep emotional bond with someone.’
My eyes widened. Not for the first time, I wished I’d listened to more of Aster’s ramblings. A lot of important information was lost in to the sheer amount of words he threw at me.
I didn’t know if finding out about demisexuality would have been such a light bulb moment years ago. I probably I would have felt more of an inkling, rather thanbloody hell, that’s me.
‘Bloody hell,’ I breathed. ‘That’s me.’
Aster beamed. ‘That’s why you’ve not been interested in sex before. You didn’t have the right kind of connection with those people.’
‘Yeah.’ Clouds that had fogged my mind for years were clearing. ‘I didn’t really know them at all.’
Aster managed to frown while also bouncing with unsuppressed joy. ‘Frankly, I’m outraged that you didn’t fall in love with me. You know me inside and out, quite literally when we did that check of my wisdom teeth that we should do again because I’m sure they’re on their way this time, and you’ve never wanted to bang me.’
I cringed. ‘It would be like wanting to hump my brother. Maybe it can swing into a realm of knowing someone too well to be attracted to them?’
I didn’t actually think that was true. I wanted to know everything about Kit, to hear his every thought at every moment of the day. I wouldn’t care if he wanted me to check if his wisdom teeth had finally appeared.
My joy at figuring out why I’d not felt this way for anyone else dimmed. It was good to know that I developed attraction in a different way to a lot of other people. Who could apparently look at someone and want to bang them, which made no sense because how would they know if they were kind? But anyway, this knowledge didn’t mean that what I wanted from Kit was any less weird.
‘You said you had three things to tell me?’ The third had to be a plan to keep me from scaring Kit away.
