I rubbed my thumb across his knuckles. ‘But you think you want it now?’
‘That’s what my scent is saying, right?’
‘Maybe,’ I hedged. I’d thought that was what was happening each time his scent had deepened when we hugged for longer than normal or he made me laugh or my feet played with his under the dining table, but I wasn’t going to barge across him like those other people had. He might have consented to sex with them, but he hadn’t enjoyed it beyond the physical sensations. It would break me if he endured that with me just because we both thought his scent meant he was interested.
Lucas huffed, the air around him sparking with annoyance. ‘I wish I knew. Like, I know I like you more than anyone else. I know I want to be around you and touch you all the time and hear everything you have to say. I know you’re brilliant and kind.’ He slumped into the bed. ‘But I don’t know if all that means I’m attracted to you.’
It sounded like that was what it meant, but I wasn’t going to tell Lucas how he felt. He needed to figure this out for himself.
‘There’s no pressure. No rush.’ I squeezed his hands. ‘I’m not going anywhere if it takes you twenty years to figure out if you want to kiss me, and I’m sticking around if you decide tomorrow that all you’ll ever want to be is friends.’
I smiled at him, relieved my heartbeat had stayed steady. I thought I would want to be around Lucas even if all we could ever have was friendship, but now I knew for sure.
His eyes flicked to my lips. My smile dipped, my mouth opening on a gasp when his scent bloomed with tingling heat.
‘I’ve never wanted to kiss someone before,’ he said slowly, his gaze skipping up to my eyes. ‘But I think I’d like to kiss you. I want to try. I can’t promise it will be good. It never has been before. But I hope that it could be better with you.’
I took a deep breath, attempting to calm myself. Part of me wanted to leap into Lucas’s arms and grab what he was offering before he could think about it too deeply, but a much larger part of me was unsure.
‘Before, you said you wished you wanted to kiss me. Your heart did a weird thing then. Not like you were lying outright, but maybe that what you had said wasn’t quite true.’
Lucas’s eyes widened. ‘Maybe I was feeling it even then. It was a half lie, because I didn’t know that wanting to be close to you like it was as important as breathing was because of more than friendship.’
The hope rising in my chest as Lucas said more wonderful things was becoming harder to ignore. Only the memory of Lucas’s rejection before stopped me from edging closer across the pillow until our breaths became shared. I’d been crushed when he’d recoiled from me, but I’d be even more so if we kissed and he told me it had been as unsatisfying as the others.
Lucas’s fingers tightening around mine pulled me from my spiralling thoughts. His eyes were wide, his scent clear and bright.
‘Please, Kit,’ he whispered. ‘Can I kiss you? Can I please try?’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
LUCAS
Ididn’t know I could want something I’d never experienced before so much.
My thoughts were still tangled. I wasn’t certain whether what I felt was deep friendship or something more, but I wanted to kiss Kit. I wanted to know. I needed to figure out if this burning longing was attraction or just a desperate desire to feel the same thing so many other people did.
I didn’t mean for my words to come out so breathy. I hadn’t meant to plead. But I’d take a pity kiss if I could finally know what all these wants meant. It felt like there was a rope tied between me and Kit. I didn’t know if that was attraction or close friendship, but I wanted to test if wanting to draw near to him and never let go was what I’d been missing out on for years.
Kit breathed shallowly for torturous seconds, his scent a wild swirl of emotions I couldn’t separate and identify, then he nodded jerkily.
He didn’t do anything else. That was fair enough, since I’d roundly rejected him the first time he’d tried to kiss me.
I steeled myself and moved closer, our blanket mountain shifting so that my stomach and thighs could align with his. Ipaused when his face was just distant enough to be in focus. His hands were still tangled in mine, his grip vice tight.
His tongue crept out and wet his lower lip. I followed the movement. I wanted to trace his shining skin with my lips, my fingers, my teeth.
‘Lucas?’ One part of Kit’s scent was crisp and stinging. Familiar. One of the first emotions I’d identified up in the mountains was worry.
‘It’s going to be okay.’ My heartbeat remained sure. Whether this kiss was amazing or a total dud like the others, I wasn’t going to let anything stand in the way of me and Kit being together. Whether that was as friends or something else, a bad kiss wouldn’t stop him being a huge part of my life.
Kit swallowed. I wanted to place my hands on his neck, nose into the soft skin.
‘It’s fine if this isn’t different to the others.’ The tiny skip to Kit’s heart was heard but ignored by both of us. It would be rubbish if this kiss was as disappointing as the others. I wanted so badly for it to be good.
‘We’ll be okay.’ Even if this kiss sucked, we would work through the horrible awkwardness together. It wasn’t like I was unused to excruciating social situations. ‘You’re too important to me for one bad kiss to make me not want to be around you.’
Kit smiled tightly. Even a shadow of his usual smile was beautiful. ‘You have to tell me if it’s not good. Straight away. Don’t worry about hurting my feelings.’
