He curled closer into my chest, almost like he expected a blow and was cowering before it. ‘Yeah?’
‘What did you smell on me before you asked to kiss me?’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
KIT
That was not the question I was expecting. I’d thought Lucas’s next words would have beenWhat’s going on with your scent?orDo you think you’ll be able to stop that?Answering either of those would have been mortifying, but no more so than attempting to navigate the question he’d actually asked.
His scent was tinged with desire again, only I knew now it wasn’t. He’d made it clear the scent I associated with the casual interest of others didn’t mean he was feeling anything romantic.
‘Um.’ I cringed into his jumper, glad he wasn’t forcing me to have this conversation face-to-face. As wonderful was it was to see him well after he’d been so ill in the mountains, I’d much rather talk into his warm chest. ‘I thought it was attraction, but I must have gotten it wrong. I’m not as new to being a wolf as you, but I’m still figuring out lots of things.’
I thought I’d nailed down how people’s scent changed when they wanted me. From most people it was more like a cracking whip rather than the gentle regard that flowed from Lucas, but the essential components were the same.
Lucas breathed deep, the heat in his scent taunting me. ‘I’m not sure you were wrong.’
I frowned at his jumper. ‘What?’
He’d made it clear before that I had been very wrong. I might have imagined the desire in his scent, but I couldn’t have mistaken the panic and fear that flooded the space between us after I’d asked to kiss him. His heartbeat had been confusing when he’d said he wished he wanted to kiss me, but he certainly hadn’t desired me in the way I thought he did.
‘I don’t know if I’m attracted to you.’
I scrunched my nose. ‘How can you not know?’
Where Lucas’s scent since he crashed into his bedroom and startled me from a crying induced nap had been earthy and warm, at my question it soured. Shame, cloying and sharp, filled the air.
I shuffled upwards, resuming my spot opposite him on the pillow. I might want to hide away until we moved on to less cringe-inducing topics, but it felt important to look at Lucas right now. I didn’t want to embarrass him, but I wanted to be able to reassure him about whatever was causing him shame while looking him straight in the eye. Then he’d know without a shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t lying.
‘Lucas?’ I waited until his gaze met mine. ‘What do you mean, that you’re not sure if you’re attracted to me?’
The most likely scenario was that he was fighting internalised homophobia. I couldn’t see how that had snuck into his brain while growing up alongside Aster. He would root out and destroy any such self-destructive thoughts if he ever got a whiff of them, but maybe Lucas had buried it deep.
‘I’ve never felt like this before.’ His scent remained unpleasantly curdled.
‘For a man?’
Lucas’s mouth pulled down, his forehead crinkling. ‘I haven’t talked about this with anyone before.’
I reached for his hands. They’d fallen into the space between us. At my touch, he gripped my fingers.
‘I promise I won’t be judgemental about anything you say.’ I kept my voice low and even. ‘And I promise I won’t share it with anyone else.’
Lucas twisted his lips to one side, like he was forcibly holding back the words threatening to spill off his tongue. I loved it when he let loose. I hoped he wouldn’t let his swirling fear stop him.
He took a deep breath. ‘I’ve never been attracted to anyone before.’
I couldn’t help the frown that sprung to my face. ‘But you’ve had sex?’
‘Yeah. A few times.’ Lucas wrinkled his nose. ‘I guess I thought that was what people did, so I should do it too. It was only when it didn’t feel amazing that I realised there was something missing, something special everyone else seemed to be feeling.’
I squeezed his hands. I had no idea how Lucas had managed to keep this secret from Aster, when they seemed to tell each other every thought that popped into their heads. He’d carried this lonely shame around for years. It must have been so confusing as a teen to realise there was something missing from his interactions with people who showed an interest in him. It didn’t seem to have become any less confusing as he’d gotten older.
My heart clutched in my chest. ‘You did consent to having sex with those people, right? You didn’t just do it because they wanted to?’
Lucas was truly horrendous at saying no. Others might not have been as perceptive as I was, might have been so overcome by their own lust that they didn’t register his disinterest.
‘No. Yes. I mean.’ Lucas frowned. ‘I absolutely consented. I just maybe didn’t want to have sex for the same reasons other people do. I didn’t feel this huge urge to touch those women or feel much of anything when we got naked.’ His cheeks burned red. ‘I mainly orgasmed because of the stimulation, not because of who I was with.’ Despite his embarrassment, he looked me in the eye. ‘But I wasn’t forced to do anything I didn’t want to do. I guess I didn’t want sex like other people do.’
